Problems with my Brother

Sugar_Coated_Owl

A bit of background info. I'm 28 and live at home with my Dad and brother, he's nearly 22. He's recently got a job with an agency and works full-time. I'm not working as I'm in and out of a psychiatric hospital at the moment. I don't pay rent but give my Dad money for food, pet food and petrol. When I was my brothers age I worked full-time and paid my parents £250.00 a month rent. My brother doesn't give my Dad any money at all and complains that there is no food in the fridge. He also expects my Dad to drop him off at work without paying any petrol money. I would describe my brother as quite selfish and someone who only thinks of himself and not others. Back in May it would have been my Nan's birthday. I bought a card and some flowers to take down the cremmatorium but on the day my brother borrowed my Dad's car to go to work/see friends, he promised he would be back before the cremmatorium closed but he wasn't. The card and flowers had to be taken down the following day. I received no apology from him what so ever. I'm at a loss as to what to do with him. He stresses my Dad out luckily I manage to let it go over my head and ignore him but I'm really concerned about how it affects my Dad. What can I do to help?

Mojisola

razorbladekisses wrote: »

A bit of background info. I'm 28 and live at home with my Dad and brother, he's nearly 22. He's recently got a job with an agency and works full-time.

I'm not working as I'm in and out of a psychiatric hospital at the moment. I don't pay rent but give my Dad money for food, pet food and petrol.

When I was my brothers age I worked full-time and paid my parents £250.00 a month rent. My brother doesn't give my Dad any money at all and complains that there is no food in the fridge.

He also expects my Dad to drop him off at work without paying any petrol money. I would describe my brother as quite selfish and someone who only thinks of himself and not others.

Back in May it would have been my Nan's birthday. I bought a card and some flowers to take down the cremmatorium but on the day my brother borrowed my Dad's car to go to work/see friends, he promised he would be back before the cremmatorium closed but he wasn't. The card and flowers had to be taken down the following day. I received no apology from him what so ever.

I'm at a loss as to what to do with him. He stresses my Dad out luckily I manage to let it go over my head and ignore him but I'm really concerned about how it affects my Dad. What can I do to help?

It's a fairly regular answer to posts like this - the "user" isn't forcing anyone to do things; those around him are enabling the user to continue his lifestyle.

The answer is in your father's hands - stop giving him lifts, lending the car, buying enough food for him. Suggest that your Dad sits down with your brother (with your support if he wants it as you are part of the household) and sets down some house rules about how much money he has to contribute, how much of the housework he is expected to do, etc.

azzabazza

I think a round the table family conference is required here with your Dad, brother and yourself. Perhaps discuss with your Dad first what you both think would be reasonable to expect from your brother.

thorsoak

razorbladekisses wrote: »

A bit of background info. I'm 28 and live at home with my Dad and brother, he's nearly 22. He's recently got a job with an agency and works full-time. I'm not working as I'm in and out of a psychiatric hospital at the moment. I don't pay rent but give my Dad money for food, pet food and petrol. When I was my brothers age I worked full-time and paid my parents £250.00 a month rent. My brother doesn't give my Dad any money at all and complains that there is no food in the fridge. He also expects my Dad to drop him off at work without paying any petrol money. I would describe my brother as quite selfish and someone who only thinks of himself and not others. Back in May it would have been my Nan's birthday. I bought a card and some flowers to take down the cremmatorium but on the day my brother borrowed my Dad's car to go to work/see friends, he promised he would be back before the cremmatorium closed but he wasn't. The card and flowers had to be taken down the following day. I received no apology from him what so ever. I'm at a loss as to what to do with him.

You don't have to do anything with him - your father should deal with him.

He stresses my Dad out
- not your problem - Dad has to deal with him
luckily I manage to let it go over my head
really - then why are you getting stressed here?
and ignore him but I'm really concerned about how it affects my Dad. What can I do to help?

This is not YOUR problem - it is your father's problem. If, as you say, you are in and out of hospital at the moment, I would suggest that you do not need the stress of worrying about your brother - leave that to your father.

I do hope that your father sorts this out satisfactorily for all of you.

marisco_2

Seriously a 22 year old man lives rent free, expects food to be in the fridge without contributing to the family budget and for his dad to give him lifts to work/friends :eek: Wow at his age I was married and running my own home and wouldn't have dreamed of being so reliant on my parents.

It is up to your dad to spell out to him that the free ride is over. He needs to decide what would be a reasonable amount for your brother to pay him, dependant on what he earns. It would not be out of order to point out to your brother how much it would cost him to live independantly in his own place. Factoring in rent, council tax, utilities, phones, broadband, food, commuting costs etc etc, this would all add up to far more than your dad would expect of him.

If your dad doesn't address this then your brother is never going to leave home is he. Far to well off and comfy where he is isn't he!

j.e.j.

He does sound annoying and selfish, but I don't think you can make someone be the way you'd like them to be.

If your dad wants rent money from him, he needs to put his foot down and demand it. In your dad's shoes I'd also be tempted to not lend him the car again. With all the money he must be saving from not having to pay rent, etc, he could probably get his own.

But as others have implied, it's highly unlikely your brother will have an epiphany of his own and start to change his ways. But maybe if others stop enabling him, he will be forced to.

KxMx

I feel for you, because I have been in a similar situation.

I was doing 16 hours a week college, alot of travelling and all the housework (Mum nor brother would pick up so much as a crisp packet!), while he was working and allowed to give a little bit of rent money now and then.

The situation only resolved itself when his car died and he had to move in with Grandparents so he could still get to work.

There were 3 people at fault in that situation- my Brother, my Mum for allowing him to behave in such a way (she would constantly talk of kicking him out, never came to anything as I knew- and more importantly, him either) and myself for not pressing Mum on the issue more for her to have something done.

Sugar_Coated_Owl

Well just an update. My brother gave my Dad £50 last week and said that was all he was paying because he was on holiday for a week and therefore not at home. As you can imagine I'm livid!

Wickedkitten

If your dad isn't demanding rent money off him, why are you livid?

Sugar_Coated_Owl

...Because it means I have to pay out more money for things like the electric and gas.

BitterAndTwisted

Does that mean for every penny your brother doesn't pay your Dad, you think that you have to?

Well, you don't. And as long as you feel that you must and carry on doing it nothing will ever change.