13 year old wants 1 more nigth with us? Can she fight it?

lepetit

Hi,

We went through the whole court process with my fiance's LO's mother in 2010 and won. We got a Shared Residence order and 3 nights per week term time, half of all school holidays.

Because we were coming from just 1 night a week we knew it would be asking a lot to flip to us having more time with LO than the mother (even that the this was what LO wanted, not by much but he wanted a little more).

We stuck to that arrangement for 18 months now but LO has grown increasingly unhappy and wants another night with us each week during term time.

We would hope, given that LO is now 13 (not such a LO!) and was very much listened to in court last time that his mother will not fight or will be advised that it is not worth fighting this small change (for us it means just picking up one more day after school which will run into contact we already have) but for LO who now wants lie-in's and to attend clubs it will make a lot of difference.

Can anyone give us some advice/ support on this?

Thanks in advance!

fluffnutter

TBH, it's not something that anyone can guess at. Who knows how your stepchild's (I've called him that just because it's easier) mother's going to feel? It's not necessarily a little change to her either, it's 25% of the time she spends with her son.

Has he spoken to her? Like you say, he's 13 now so not a baby. The best thing all round is that this could be amicably agreed without the need to go back to court. In which case, has anyone actually asked his mother what she thinks?

If she's not approachable (which I guess is very likely seeing as you had to go to court the first time) then I suppose you'll need to go back to court. No doubt his wishes will be taken into account but none of us can predict what will happen.

lepetit

Thanks for your reply!

Yep she's definitely not approachable and has never wanted what the LO has hence why LO has never totally got the time he wants and is having to fight for every inch.

Whilst I see your reasoning, we aren't asking for a whole day - it's 1 extra day after school and overnight which will then immediately run into contact we already have and don't need to change.

I can see us having to go to court too but I suppose I hope and pray her solicitor will make her see sense so she doesn't put LO through it all again. He'll do it because he really wants this but she really acts up with him so I want it to be as fast as possible for him.

kj*daisy

Will the change mean you get the child benefit and tax credits,claim CSA off her etc? As if so then she may well fight it through court again, would she be amenable to an arrangement where she doesn't lose all the money but still let's SS stay over, as if she has the child 3 days a week and half the holidays she's still going to have half the cost of raising him, does she have a new partner etc or is she alone. Difficult one, hope you can get resolution without having to go to court again.

krlyr

Would it seem more agreeable to the mother if you alternated? 3 nights one week, 4 the next? Then you're both getting 7 nights a fortnight, fairly divided, or is she likely to be awkward about that?

heretolearn_2

If the current arrangement is all working well and fairly amicably, I'd be inclined to let sleeping dogs lie and not chop and change. For three reasons:
1) This is going to be hurtful to his mum and that might effect their relationship. How would your OH feel if the boy suddenly decided he wanted to cut one of your days? You might think now 'oh we wouldn't mind' but if it really happened you couldn't help wondering 'why would he rather be with her instead of me'. I don't think it's good to encourage a child to play favourites and pick one parent over the other, especially if there is any background of power-play/politics/resentment going on.
2) I wouldn't at this point let a child start dictating minor changes to the arrangement. One day here this time. How about in 6 months if he changes his mind and wants to go back to mums for two extra days. Or have all weekends at one particular house because he likes the neighbours kid etc. Of course his feelings are important but that was all taken into account, and now there's a good arrangement. I don't think it'll be good long term to start fiddling around with it on a whim. It's only one day so it can't make that much difference to him really.
3) you aren't planning for a new long term arrangement anyway. He is 13. In another year or two he'll sooner cut off one of his own legs than have to spend time with either parent, or he'll have his own friends and activities and hardly ever be in, or be shut in his bedroom 100% of the time he is with you. Probably. And by the time things go back to normal he'll be off to college/uni/moving out.

I really wouldn't upset everything on a 13 year old boy's whim about something that isn't going to make a whole lot of difference to him.

whitewing

Teenagers can be incredibly selfish sometimes. It is a shame really that he's even in a position where any moment spent with his dad means time away from his mum. Perhaps he truly takes his mum for granted, and maybe no one is actually listening to her.

DVardysShadow

heretolearn wrote: »

2) I wouldn't at this point let a child start dictating minor changes to the arrangement. One day here this time. How about in 6 months if he changes his mind and wants to go back to mums for two extra days. Or have all weekends at one particular house because he likes the neighbours kid etc. Of course his feelings are important but that was all taken into account, and now there's a good arrangement. I don't think it'll be good long term to start fiddling around with it on a whim. It's only one day so it can't make that much difference to him really.

Against that is balanced the idea that the contact arrangements are meant to be for the benefit of the child. So why should he not have flexibility?

At this point, I would be thinking of renegotiating towards a flexible arrangement within some limits, making the point to the lad that if such an arrangement were reached, it would be in his interests if he gave everyone more than the minimum.

lepetit

Thanks for your replies!
I have to say obviously some of you have very bad experiences of teenagers! Definitely not the case here - he and his dad are incredibly close and although he is by no means an angel he certainly is not as some of you describe.
Obviously he must be allowed the flexibility of changing arrangements when he is unhappy.
Things are going on in his mother's home that make him unhappier and we are trying not to point the finger at her just simply make him happier.

DS4215

If there is a problem attending clubs and things, could you collect him and drop him off at his mums. His dad will get to spend some time with him (if only as a taxi) and his mum will not lose any nights while the LO enjoys whatever he enjoys...

daska

As he's over 12 it's likely that he would get what he wants if it went to court and CAFCASS were involved.