Friend with PCOS...Advice please

dottydee854

Just asking for advice with how to help her....
My best friend was diasgnosed with PCOS at 15, at this time she wasn't bothered, no boyfriend, school and being young.

She found a lovely partner who me and OH get on so well, We are now both 21. They have been trying for a baby for 2 and a half years now, might say its young but becuase of her condition they knew it would take a while, and they are finacally stable with a house ect.

She's been to gyn today....They've tried clomid, ovarian drilling. Nothings worked. So today they went to the appointment to be told...'nothing more we can do, when your 23 we can give you IVF'.

She is so upset and gutted. She didnt want to go through IVF yet. She's researched it and found other medicines but the Gyn just said no.

She told me all this, and being terribly upset, cant talk to partner alone as they have family staying with them at the moment, i said she could come over have a girly evening with me tomorrow.

What i'm asking is, i'm not sure what to say to her anymore. I feel i'm fobbing her off if i say 'ah it's ok it'll happen' when clearly it's not. I don't want to upset her, or how to advise her. Anyone been in a similar posistion themselves? Or any advice how to comfort her or help her through this difficult time?

Sorry it's long winded, i just feel so upset for her, i just wish i could make it al better for her as i couldn't imagine a better couple to have kids, they have so much love to give. It hurts to see her in pain.

Thank you for your time and any suggestions will be greatfully appreciated.

x

mountainofdebt

What are her reasons for not wanting to try IVF?

I know its a 'mechanical' way of making a baby and that it doesn't always work, but could you point out to her that she now has 2 years to save up so she can have as long as she wants on maternity leave ?

Also there's nothing stopping them practising in the meantime as stranger things have happened!

dottydee854

She feels, that IVF is her last chance to have a baby naturally, as she wants to have a baby of her own, flesh and blood kind of thing. Having two of my own i know what she means by that.

If that doesn't work then adoption would be the next step, but that also is a lengthy process as well. She just feels she's failing and it's getting her very depressed.

They are 'practising' lol. I think mentioning saving for a maternity would be a goal for her.
Thanks you x

dottydee854

And not to mention how invasive IVF is, she doesn't like needles either so it's something she is going to have to over come if IVF is to happen. x

Mrs_Ryan

I know that feeling. I was diagnosed at 16 but I've spent nearly 16 years battling various medical authorities who kept insisting there's absolutely nothing at all wrong with me (despite clear evidence there is) I know how heartbreaking it is to feel like you're a failure.. just be there for her, keep encouraging her on etc. It breaks my heart now to see new babies, as I'm never going to have any - but she still has that glimmer of hope and she needs to nurture that.
My sis had endometriosis and PCOS and it took her I think 5 years to conceive - she was top of the list for IVF and she conceived my eldest nephew naturally so its not impossible!

There_Goes_Trouble

dottydee854 wrote: »

What i'm asking is, i'm not sure what to say to her anymore. I feel i'm fobbing her off if i say 'ah it's ok it'll happen' when clearly it's not. I don't want to upset her, or how to advise her. Anyone been in a similar posistion themselves? Or any advice how to comfort her or help her through this difficult time?

Sorry it's long winded, i just feel so upset for her, i just wish i could make it al better for her as i couldn't imagine a better couple to have kids, they have so much love to give. It hurts to see her in pain.

x

You're right, steer clear of "it'll happen" and "I know so and so and IVF worked for them" because as you know, you can't be sure it WILL happen for them. My sister fell pregnant on her first round of IVF and now has a 3 year old boy. My friend has had 5 failed rounds of IVF and can't afford any more.

You're also right in that you can't make it better for her so don't even try. It'll sound phoney and like you don't understand (which if you have two children of your own, you can't genuinely understand, you can only imagine how she might feel). Don't say "I know how you feel" - you don't.

I would let her do most of the talking. Ask her how she's feeling and if there's anything you can help her with e.g. researching her options for her if she's finding it upsetting to do it herself. Let her know you're there if she needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to vent at, and that you'll support which ever decision they make regarding IVF/adoption.

I'm no counselor, but I know from having problems of my own in the past just how upsetting it can be when you try to explain how you feel to someone and they just say "yeah, I know how you feel. It'll be fine". I spoke to my best friend about some stuff recently, (actually I cried about some stuff!) and she was amazing! I realised later that she basically hadn't said very much at all but let me talk, and she never once tried to make me feel better because this stuff isn't going to go away and there is nothing she can do that will make me feel better, I need to do that myself.

She's the first person where I've actually felt better after speaking to her and she didn't really do anything. I didn't want her to do anything other than listen.

Mind you, she's a consultant psychiatrist, so she ought to know how to do that kind of thing!!

There_Goes_Trouble

Oh yeah, also, depending how bad her needle phobia is, I got over mine by becoming a blood donor. I wasn't badly phobic, more like I'd had a bad experience with a doctor with poor technique and I'd become anxious.

I was scared for my first donation, but the staff there are amazing! I have good veins but they are deep and not easy to find. I've done 22 donations now and the staff have NEVER missed my vein or failed to get the needle in first time.

It's probably not the way to handle a real phobia, but for an anxiety that I just needed to face head on, it was perfect.

willow_loulou

I was diagnosed at 19 after a cyst burst, it was a bit of a shock. I was fortunate enough to conceive naturally after stopping all the drugs and giving my mind and body a rest. Unlike most people it seems I have always planned on fostering later in life so I never had that *it has to be my flesh and blood*thing. Which I totally understand but not feeling that probably helped me get over the obsession that TTc is.
I guess the best advice is not to try and console her, you cannot fix it so just listen and let her wail. Have treats she likes on hand and reassure her she can escape to you when she needs too.
Good luck, she is lucky to have a friend like you, I wish I had had a friend to lean on when I was dealing with it.
I would suggest she stops ALL the drugs for a while, its a long shot but it worked for me so you never know!!The worst it will do is make her less stressed (hugs)

dottydee854

Thank you for all your advice. So at least now i know what i am doing is going in the right direction i.e i've never said i know how she feels only i can imagine. Shes very open about it, and has researched all the options and i think thats upset her that her doc has flat refused to try anything else (different meds, different dosages ect).

Hopefully a girly session will take her mind off of it for a small while and make her feel a bit better about herself with a bit of pampering. I just wish there was more i could do for her

I've suggested blood donations, she wasn't too keen on the idea lol Though i can personally say i did it, and it made me feel more comfortable when i had to have my bloods taken again at the docs
x

jenhug

I am sorry to hear about your friends fertility issues, but you sound like a lovely friend.

When you get a chance to chat perhaps you could offer to help research alternative help methods? ie, reflexology is alleged to be helpful in some cases, also, get her to look at her diet, go caffeine free, low salt etc. All the little changes she makes now can only have a positive affect later.

I hope she has success. xx

dottydee854

Willow_loulou, thank you, She is not on the drugs anymore, as she needed a break and was trying to get over a bout of depression (the result of years and docs telling her various things and TTC just not happening even with the drugs) Thank you for your experience though, and your advice from first hand. Hopefully i can make her as comfortable as possible tomorrow xx