failing marriage?

needhelpandadvice

nzmegs - i have just been reading up on passive agressive - only a few articles but i think you really may have hit the nail on the head here as a lot of traits i do seem to have when it comes to not confronting situations.
I will of course keep reading and this is really concerning to me because if this is true then i have some serious issues to overcome

HeadAboveWater

needhelpandadvice wrote: »

We both love each other very much

There's your starting point! Remember when you first met? Remember getting to know each other? Remember when you fell in love? Go back to basics. Go on a 'first date' again

needhelpandadvice wrote: »

I like the idea of writing a letter because i am the first to admit about how unbelievable unarticulate i am when trying to express emotion and i think this may help a lot.

It will help. For me it was the only way I could tell my parents about how I was feeling recently. It will be a very hard letter to write, and I can almost guarantee it will hurt you both. But if she doesn't know how you feel (and vice-versa), she won't know what needs 'fixed'.

Good for you for staying positive

HeadAboveWater

Hi needhelpandadvice. How are things today?

needhelpandadvice

hi Kathy

firstly, let me say a big thank you to everyone who responded yesterday.
I wrote a letter before leaving work last night which summarised how i felt and that i wanted things to be better etc...
She really appreciated that and also that it was direct and succinct.
I also then made her a wordsearch called 'the 20 reasons why i love you wordsearch'. bit cheesy i know but i think she really liked that too.

We then had a chat and we both agreed to go to counselling together and then after some couples work, i may stay on for some individual counselling to tackle my particular problems.

All in all though, we both want to stay together very much and i know i need to turn things around mentally to stop the marriage from failing.

It;s all positive and i really couldnt have done it without the advice here so big thankyou.

I'll keep you all updated with how things progress if you are interested to hear.

Thanks again all of you.

Bangton

Bless you...

My partner and I had a similiar issue (I think) a while back. Any argument went way too far because he would not drop it, I'd feel like I was walking on egg shells because frankly I couldn't deal with the arguments and the silent/cross spells. Then, when he did something wrong I'd deliberately drag it out as 'punishment' that he had done it to me on another occasion...and so it went on. God knows we loved each other but it was hard work and I distinctly remember arriving home from work one day and pausing outside the door to take a deep breath, anxious what was to come (anxious because I hate arguments).
If I could compare our relationship now to what it was like then I'd say we are the model couple..we seldom fight and we laugh together everyday. I am smitten with my partner and would rather spend my time with him than anyone.

The point is relationships do go through rough patches. When you live together everyday, stresses and upsets get pushed onto the other person and you don't always behave rationally when you get het up.

Like you are feeling now...we hit a point where enough was enough. It hurt my partner to hear that he was making me anxious and feel like I was !!!!! footing around him. It hurt me that I wasn't making him happy enough to forget whatever other stresses he had.

It turned out my partner had depression. He did take tablets for a short time but it turned out talking was the best medication for him. He was never offered counselling but something in him made him realise we were close to the end and he opened up to me loads. This meant I could tell him how I feel without us being embroiled in an argument and saying things we didn't necessarily mean. I'm sure your other half does say cruel things but she is probably trying to tell you she is suffering because of your behaviour - if your only communicating when your het up though it will come out in a frustrated, harsh way.

The fact your so aware of the issue would suggest your willingness to change. No one is perfect...not you and not your partner. Don't be so hard on her when she tells you she has to walk on eggshells...and don't be so hard on yourself. We all get stressed. Try to do more things together that are exciting and fun...and talk calmly. Things will get better...because you so clearly want them to

(ETA - we crossed posts...things sound so much more positive anyway...well done you)

HeadAboveWater

Aw that is absolutely fantastic!! I'm so, so pleased for you both

Things are out in the open now, so it's just a matter of working on it. It's great that you can both go together to counselling, and I think it's fab that you're going to deal with your own issues too. It will take a lot of courage but you'll never look back, I promise

Please do keep us all posted. Would be great to hear how things are going

belfastgirl23

It is really important to find some kind of way of communicating that works for both of you. In the early days DH and I really struggled - he has a fiery temper combined with huffiness, I'm very repressed and don't do so well expressing my emotions. It was a tricky combination, he'd explode about something minor then huff for a while and I'd take it all really seriously and escalate it to a point where it felt that we were splitting up. Over time I realised that his family have huge explosive arguments often and it doesn't mean anything, whereas for us even a relatively small argument was a big big deal. So we were both at a bit of a loss with how we ended up where we did because from both of our points of view it was how we had been trained to respond.

So we have sort of found a halfway house, he tries to be a bit more rational about things and when he's feeling angry he is much better at thinking through what is really going on with him, and I try not to take it as seriously when he does explode. Similarly if he's under pressure or not in a good mood I tend to now let him alone rather than trying to 'help' or understand, which is what he needs. I also try to articulate what it is I'm feeling if he's upset me rather than doing the silent treatment (which is a very unhelpful way to communicate).

What I'm trying to say here is that you sound like you're in a similar kind of bind. Maybe your wife needs to think about how to express things in a way that you can hear what she is saying. Maybe she needs to think about when to express them (eventually I realised that blurting out home truths in the heat of an argument really does not work for us, we need to talk them through afterwards). But maybe you also need to think about how you're hearing her and try to cut through some of the words to the underlying emotion, or indeed recognise if you have a role in provoking her to a point where she says things in a way to upset you. If you've kind of brushed off her saying them in a less explosive way then could you have left her feeling that this is the only way to get your attention? The best way is to start with what you can do different and try and lead by example.

But I'm here to tell you that it can be done, especially if you still love each other lots of luck trying.