failing marriage?

needhelpandadvice

Hi all

i need some advice on my marriage because the way i am feeling right now is not good and i dont think my wife is good either. I feel like i am having a nervous breakdown to be honest...
Any help, support and advice would be very much appreciated.

We have been arguing a lot over the past few years and i know that a good deal of it may be down to me because i become very withdrawn when i feel like my OH has said something to me which was hurtful. Some people may laugh at what upsets me over what has been said but even when my OH tries to say sorry or comfort me back, i dont seem to be able to snap out of how i am feeling.
Sometimes this can go on for hours and hours wasting so much time and energy.
I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like running away from everything because i feel that my inability to make up with her is making her so miserable and unhappy and it really is not my intention to do this to her. Sometimes, the only way i snap out of it is because she has got so upset that i worry she may do something to hurt herself.
Without getting too deep in to things, my parents used to fight a lot and i remember back then that i would feel 'frozen' from their arguments. The feeling i get now is not a million miles from how i used to feel then.

I really don't like confrontation and dont like it when people talk down to me or are rude to me which i think she sometimes can do - although how severe this is i dont know because i may be majorly over-reacting.

I guess I/we need counselling and all in all i think I am a good person (not violent and generally giving and thoughful) but feel that i am a curse on her life and perhaps everyone would be better off without me as i dont seem to have anything to offer anymore.
I dont want to be like this and i dont want to ruin someone else's life.

Has anyone felt like/been with someone like this? Is there a path to happiness through all of this?

BitterAndTwisted

There is a path to happiness and the most well-trod one is open communication, on both sides. If you feel that you can't articualte the hurt and resentment you are being made to feel a few sessions with Relate might be of help to you both.

Do you think you could make that suggestion to your OH without opening up all sorts of implied criticism about your relationship?

Cat501

You poor thing

Phone your doctor, get an appointment ASAP, tell him or her exactly how you're feeling, I'm sure if you are totally honest with them and tell them just what you've told us then you'll get the right sort of help and you'll be on the road to happiness

I know that's not much advice but I think it's really important - good luck

needhelpandadvice

i know i need to speak to my doctor.
I'm just worried that it wont be taken seriously, although i will call and arrange an appointment so thanks for the input.
It hasnt been easy the last three years... i have been studying for a prefessional qualification which takes up at least six months of the year (evenings and weekends as work full time) and have moved twice in that time also - the current house being renovated by me also.
I think i have burnt myself out which means even less resistance to everyday stuff. I find it hard to say no sometimes so i just let more and more pile up on top of me.

I do have a question to ask though - if the way your other half speaks to you sometimes upsets you, is it ever something you should just learn to live with?

she often reminds me that she has to 'watch her tone' around me for fear of offending me, but it isnt like that. I dont want her to feel scared of talking, just that sometimes before she says something, to think about how it may make someone else feel. When she says that she has to watch her tone to me it makes me feel like i am the one with the problem and it doesnt give me any assurance that she has listened to me and is talking to me about why or what upsets me.
I just feel that maybe we are two different people and perhaps we just dont get on day to day (we didnt live together before we were married and couldnt so we only got to know each others habits when we were already married)

Cat501

If you aren't taken seriously, find another doctor immediately - even if you have to travel. Can't emphasise that enough. If you usually find your doctor sympathetic though, it'll probably be fine Oh,and write stuff down - or even print out your opening post to show them.

Sounds like an incredibly stressful few years!!

As for how your other half speaks to you, if it upsets you no, you shouldn't learn to live with it as such, but that sounds like an issue for both any personal help you get, and couples counselling if you decide to go down that road.

I'm sure you'll get lots of good advice here, I'm saying no more because I'm the last person to try and give advice about relationships

Amanda65

I guess it depends on what she says really - without some idea it's difficult to say whether she is being unreasonable or you over-sensitive. I think most people sometimes say things they wish they hadn't in the heat of the moment. If this is the type of thing your wife does, and it's occasional, does she apologise? Equally living with someone who is completely shattered (as it sounds as though you are with everyone you have taken on) and therefore possibly doesn't have time to integrate themselves fully into married / family life due to other commitments can become very waring.

Would you wife consider Relate or similar so you can both go and get an objective opinion on the situation?

nzmegs

YOu need to do some research into passive aggression. Your feelings of anger and or fear about your childhood are being taken out on your wife. it isn't fair on her and she may be distancing herself from you to protect herself.

Getting the silent treatment is considered a form of abuse and it is wrong. But it is a habit you have learnt and it feels safer to you.

Your wife will also need to understand the reasons behind your behaviour. Right now she feels confused, like she must be to blame for your moods, like she can't do anything right, like she is walking on eggshells all the time. She probably feels very anxious and doesn't know how to make things better.

the fact is that she is blaming herself for how you are making her feel. That is the first thing to put right.

Tell her that you are aware that you go into these moods and that you want to change. You can't possibly understand how much this will help her. it will validate how she feels and let her know that you realise it is a problem.

Hopefully this will open the lines of communication so you can tell her about how you are feeling too.

Getting counselling is ideal - but you may have to wait for this on the NHS. In the meantime work through some books together. Such as "stop walking on eggshells".

podperson

I would second the going to see your gp - it sounds like you are feeling very burnt out at the moment and your self-esteem is rather low. Whether this is making you over-sensitive to things your wife is saying or whether she does really talk to you badly it's impossible for us to say. I do think you could do with sitting down together and trying to calmly talk through what exactly bothers you both about the other that's leading to you arguing all the time - if you can't manage to do it yourselves without getting in a fight then Relate or somewhere similar is another option.

Regarding whether you should just learn to live with it if the way your partner speaks upsets you then I suppose it would depend - I'm sure most of us have times when our partners upset us or speak to us in a way we don't like. If it's infrequent, they apologise and you can move then I think it's liveable with - if it's daily and they don't seem to see it as a problem then that's a completely different story and no, I don't think someone should have to put with that long term.

kylehp04

This sounds like a mix of things as I get the impression you both have been going through this for quite some time.

*First things first I would sit down with your OH, explain that it might be you that needs help or the relationship, you can't be sure but the fact is that you want things to get better and you will need their help and support to do this.

*Second I would call the doctor you have been going through this for quite some time and you may have a form of depression from the stress of it all, which wont help improve matters if left untreated.

*Thirdly book counseling, this can be done a number of ways but I do think its important to book sessions with your partner so you can repair the relationship and sessions for yourself alone so someone can help you overcome any past issues that are affecting your relationship.

But there is happiness to be found! It's about removing all that weight off your shoulders one step at a time.

I wish you the best of luck though It's very cliche but keep calm and carry on....you will get there.

HeadAboveWater

needhelpandadvice wrote: »

I'm just worried that it wont be taken seriously

If they don't take you seriously, find a different Doctor. They are there to help

If there are issues from your past that you haven't dealt with properly, they will more than likely affect your current relationship. Anger. Hurt. Disappointment. I doubt it's your wife that you feel these emotions towards, but because you haven't dealt with the past and moved on, she's maybe getting the brunt of it now.

needhelpandadvice wrote: »

if the way your other half speaks to you sometimes upsets you, is it ever something you should just learn to live with?

I know exactly where you're coming from on this one. I'm something of an emotional person and can take things very personally. Sometimes my partner is giving off, in general, about something, but the way he gives off makes me feel like it's my fault and I'm to blame.
I have spoken to him about it because it does upset me (don't get me wrong, if I am to blame I'll hold my hands up and say so). He tries to watch his tone as he knows I'm sensitive, but he does forget himself occasionally. He is not directing the blame at me, he's just giving off. I think I'm his sounding-off board!! lol

It's something we both have to work on together - him to watch the tone of voice, and me to not take it so personally. It is getting easier

Communication is a big thing. Let her know how you feel. And listen to how she feels. Maybe even write it all down in a letter. You get what you want to say across without interruption or argument. See if there's things that you can work on together to make things easier.

It takes a strong person to admit they need help. Not everyone has the courage to go get help and lots don't bother. You both need all the support you can get.

Whatever happens, good luck

needhelpandadvice

thank you all so much for the replies.
It means a lot to hear some objective opinions on the subject.
I will be the first to say that there could be a lot to resolve on my part but you are all right about sitting down and talking and working through it together.

nzmegs - i will read in to passive agressive asap as if this is something i am doing then i need to draw a path that pulls me away from this behaviour. The last thing i want to do is to carry out behaviour that is considered abusive....

Thanks again for replies so far.
We both love each other very much and we both hate to feel like our world is being torn apart.
Believe it or not i am an optimist at heart most of the time and i think that with work anything can be overcome but sometimes you need a lift to get you there.
I like the idea of writing a letter because i am the first to admit about how unbelievable unarticulate i am when trying to express emotion and i think this may help a lot.

I'll do whatever it takes to get things back on my side and i think she will do the same, although becoming more affectionate and articulate with words may take a long time to perfect!