Mobile phones, partners, not reading texts !!!!!!! Please advise

tankgirl1

Long story - sorry!
OH knows a lady with a horse - a horse that I am smitten with, but said horse has to work in the Riding school 6/7 days a week. Horse doesn't belong to school - some sort of livery arrangement - don't know the details.
Said horse obv not happy - tries to bite when being tacked up
I love this horse, asked the owner casually about a loan a week ago - said if she ever thought about getting rid, let me know! She said no, she wants to spend more time with horse, but every time she turns up said horse is busy in lessons...... She's looking to take her outta the school to a private field come the back end.. Sept or so. Owner up there pretty much daily, but never rides out the girl I love - always rides her daughter who she always owns.
So FF to Sat am, I know OH has her number on his phone (as he has looked after her dogs before), I'm up at 5.30am for work at 7am -was thinking about it all - thought that perhaps the horse owner would agree to a short term loan until her field became available - would give the horse a break from the school, and I would pay for everything. So because OH was asleep, I got Mrs horse owners number from his phone and sent her a text........
OH was furious - Said I had broken his trust because I took the number from his phone without asking........just looking for opinions.....

cte1111

My OH wouldn't mind if I used his phone to send a mutual friend / acquaitance a text. I think I would probably ask him first though.

Maybe just reassure him that you weren't snooping through his texts, just looking for a number to sort out a problem that was worrying you. Explain that it was on your mind and you weren't going to feel better until you had done something so just sent a text without thinking about the impact on him.

Think it shows you do trust him, as it didn't occur to you that he would mind you using his phone, e.g. you are both comfortable with each other and have nothing to hide.

tankgirl1

He was furious though that I had taken a number off his phone without asking. Said it made him feel embarrassed of me for 'harrasing' the owner of the horse, because he only obtained her number as he was pet sitting her dogs.
I was gobsmacked at his reaction - I'd never go thru his texts or anything! To me I was just getting the number of a person we both know (thru him admittedly!!) to send a message outlining how much I cared about said horse, and how much I was willing to give to give said horse a few weeks of my time, at my expense.
He said I'd broken his trust by taking her number from his phone without asking...... which cuts me to my heart.......

tankgirl1

I just feel like crap - did I do wrong?

coolcait

So, if I've followed you correctly, you want this horse. Even if just on loan.

You mentioned this casually to the horse's owner a week ago, and she said 'no'. She explained that she has plans of her own, to spend more time with this horse that belongs to her.

On Saturday morning, you got up at 5.30 am, looked through your boyfriend's phone to get the horse owner's phone number - without his permission - and texted the owner.

What time did you text her? If you texted her there and then, at that time of the morning you were out of order, IMO. Even if she normally gets up at stupid o'clock through choice.

You were out of order in terms of the time, and in terms of the fact that you texted her about a matter where she had already said 'no'.

You did break your OH's trust.

But that is possibly slightly less worrying than the fact that you are allowing your obsession with this horse to lead you into behaviour which is pretty 'stalkerish'.

It wouldn't surprise me if the horse's owner is pretty spooked by your behaviour - and your bf has got it in the neck for 'giving' you her phone number, allowing you to text her ridiculously early in the morning. With a proposal which she has already rejected.

I think your behaviour is a very much a breach of trust. You took his phone, when he was sleeping. You accessed his contacts, without his permission. And you texted one of his contacts in a completely inappropriate way.

How are you going to sort out this mess that you have made?

RacyRed

I agree with coolcait on this one.

This is a contact of your husband's, not yours. Does he look after dogs as a business? If so, I completely understand why he is furious with you, I would be too! If he was trusted with a phone number for business purposes then your text was a massive breach of that trust and you have put him in a potentially very difficult situation.

Even if it wasn't a business arrangement, she gave her number to him, not you and you had no right to help yourself to it. It is not only wrong, it is very bad manners.

And as for texting someone at that time of the morning to ask them to loan you a horse. Are you crazy?

You have one hell of a lot of apologising to do.

coolcait

I think Racyred's post explains the 'breach of trust' very well. Please take that on board.

And, even if it turns out that you obtained the number early in the morning, but didn't text the horse's owner till later in the day, that doesn't change the fact that you breached your OH's trust by taking the number, without his permission.

IMO, what you did is actually worse than reading his texts.

If there is no trust between a couple - to the extent that one reads the others texts without permission - then that is between the two of them to resolve.

If one member of a couple accesses their partner's personal/business contacts without permission, and then uses those that information to harass one of their partner's personal/business contacts, that is a huge breach of trust, and goes wider than just "the two of them".

Seriously, OP. what were you thinking?

DylanO

tankgirl1 wrote: »

Long story - sorry!
OH knows a lady with a horse - a horse that I am smitten with, but said horse has to work in the Riding school 6/7 days a week. Horse doesn't belong to school - some sort of livery arrangement - don't know the details.
Said horse obv not happy - tries to bite when being tacked up
I love this horse, asked the owner casually about a loan a week ago - said if she ever thought about getting rid, let me know! She said no, she wants to spend more time with horse, but every time she turns up said horse is busy in lessons...... She's looking to take her outta the school to a private field come the back end.. Sept or so. Owner up there pretty much daily, but never rides out the girl I love - always rides her daughter who she always owns.
So FF to Sat am, I know OH has her number on his phone (as he has looked after her dogs before), I'm up at 5.30am for work at 7am -was thinking about it all - thought that perhaps the horse owner would agree to a short term loan until her field became available - would give the horse a break from the school, and I would pay for everything. So because OH was asleep, I got Mrs horse owners number from his phone and sent her a text........
OH was furious - Said I had broken his trust because I took the number from his phone without asking........just looking for opinions.....

If my boyfriend did that to me, he'd be gone within minutes of my discovering it.

You seem to have a staggering sense of entitlement. First the woman tells you, repeatedly, that she is not interested in allowing you near her horse, but you refuse to listen, and then, instead of asking your OH you went behind his back and took her contact details from his phone. You didn't ask because you know you were going too far.

You broke the trust, and probably your relationship with your actions.

And speaking of someone whose family keeps horses - if someone displayed your level of obsession over one of my mother's horses - you'd be lucky if you were allowed within 100 yards of any and all stables and other horse-owners in the county. I'm sure you're aware that people in that community talk quite a lot - I suggest you moderate your behaviour and see a therapist about your issues before your reputation is permanently harmed.

DylanO

tankgirl1 wrote: »

I just feel like crap - did I do wrong?

The fact that you even have to ask that question speaks volumes.

POPPYOSCAR

My OH would have no problem with me going through his phone etc. for anything and vice versa, that is our relationship.

However, I think he would have something to say if I took a number from his phone of one of his contacts and used it without running it by him first to make sure he was ok with it.

Also I agree, I would be put off by your over-enthusiasm if I were the owner, especially if I received a text from you at 5.30AM!!!

Padstow

I seems that it wasn't the fact that you looked through his numbers, but that you used one to send a text without his permission.

You'll have to grovel I'm afraid, as well as forgetting about this particular horse who will no doubt be spoiled by being ridden by all and sundry.
This is not the only horse in the country plus it's unavailable, or is that making it more desirable, the fact that you can't have it?

What is to stop you finding another horse?

Good luck with it all.