Humans & Dogs... Mmmmmm.....

redwineguzzler

I'll firstly say 'I DO NOT WANT TO UPSET ANIMAL LOVERS'....

As some of you know my son is very ill with terminal cancer, and every day we spend with him is precious now...

BUT, my hubbys DD from a previous marriage (she's in her early 40's - with a daughter of her own) has not even bothered to get in touch with us (even though she knows all about our son), after a family row over 6 years ago, even though we have tried the 'olive branch' several times over the years especially so when we found out sons diagnosis Dec 2010.

Now all she keeps posting on FB that her dog has cancer.... this has really upset me and hubby, I know that she loves her dog, BUT it's still a dog? are we so wrong to feel so upset that she thinks more of her dog than her half brother????

marisco_2

No you are not wrong to feel very upset that your stepdaughter is being so thoughtless. I dont think many animals lovers would think so either.

Show compassion and care to a pet by all means but dont upset, offend and hurt relatives who are suffering unimagineable pain. To be blunt OP she would have to be extremely thick and hard nosed, to not be fully aware of how what she is doing would make you both feel.

Sadly she seems unable to put any past troubles between you behind her, and to be there for you now to give love and support, at a time when you undoubtedly need it most. Forget about her for now and concentrate solely on spending precious time with your son and supporting each other through this time. Sending you huge hugs, I cannot imagine facing all you must be right now.

Alikay

No, of course it's natural that you're upset. It's just typical of the stupid, unkind and hurtful things people do when they have a massive fall out with a family member.

You've tried to make things up with her, and she's aware of what her half-brother is going through, so I'd say, given her age that the ball is now in her court. If she feels bad when it's too late to spend any time with him, she'll just have to deal with her feelings.

krlyr

People's problems are relative. Would you like it if someone brushed off your feelings because they lost their son in a more traumatic way, or lost more family members, or feel that in some way their tragedy is worse than yours?
Dogs can live a long time and really integrate themselves into your lives, and I don't think it's right to suggest that they should not be upset because it's "just a dog".
I think you're comparing apples and oranges. It's not like she has suddenly fallen out with you because your son has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and she doesn't want to "compete" with your grief - she has fallen out with your family years ago and perhaps doesn't feel that family bond any more. I haven't spoken to my dad for about 8 years now and if he was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow I would feel no differently towards him than if I heard a friend of a friend of a friend had been diagnosed - indifferent to him, perhaps upset for my brothers who are still in touch. I have nothing to do with my half-siblings from his new relationship so, again, if I had heard bad news about them I would feel sad that they were so ill at a young age but I wouldn't be contacting my dad to express my condolences, I don't really consider him my dad any more.
I don't know if you feel the reason for the fallout was justified but perhaps she has "moved on" and doesn't feel like you're family? 6 years is quite a time for feelings to change.
At least she has not been two-faced and used your son's illness to gain sympathy for herself, it sounds like she is just getting on with her own life.

Person_one

Just remove her from facebook, problem solved, you can put it out of your mind.

I'm very sorry for what is happening to your son, but if your stepdaughter wasn't close to him before he was ill then I wouldn't expect her to be having the same kind of reaction as a close sister or anything like.

Its not about human vs dog, its about closeness. I would be far more upset about my dogs having cancer than several of my relatives, just because my dogs live with me and are my constant companions while I have no close relationship with the human relatives.

redwineguzzler

krlyr wrote: »

People's problems are relative. Would you like it if someone brushed off your feelings because they lost their son in a more traumatic way, or lost more family members, or feel that in some way their tragedy is worse than yours?
Dogs can live a long time and really integrate themselves into your lives, and I don't think it's right to suggest that they should not be upset because it's "just a dog".
I think you're comparing apples and oranges. It's not like she has suddenly fallen out with you because your son has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and she doesn't want to "compete" with your grief - she has fallen out with your family years ago and perhaps doesn't feel that family bond any more. I haven't spoken to my dad for about 8 years now and if he was diagnosed with cancer tomorrow I would feel no differently towards him than if I heard a friend of a friend of a friend had been diagnosed - indifferent to him, perhaps upset for my brothers who are still close. I have nothing to do with my half-siblings from his new relationship so, again, if I had heard bad news about them I would feel sad that they were so ill at a young age but I wouldn't be contacting my dad to express my condolences, I don't really consider him my dad any more.
I don't know if you feel the reason for the fallout was justified but perhaps she has "moved on" and doesn't feel like you're family? 6 years is quite a time for feelings to change.

I can totally understand what you are saying, but she has 2 brothers who she complains bitterly to about how she is being left out of the family - always acting the victim in this whole 6yr scenario, so you would think she would have taken the olive branch when offered several times?? it's quite sad really that she's like this.

Person_one

redwineguzzler wrote: »

I can totally understand what you are saying, but she has 2 brothers who she complains bitterly to about how she is being left out of the family - always acting the victim in this whole 6yr scenario, so you would think she would have taken the olive branch when offered several times?? it's quite sad really that she's like this.

Whether or not she should take the olive branch really depends on the reasons and actions behind the falling out, and none of us can know what went on so we can only really comment and advise on what's happening now.

If your only contact with her is through facebook, and her statuses are upsetting you, just unfriend her so you can put her out of your mind.

krlyr

I don't know the cause of the fallout but I don't think it's unnatural for a child to feel bitter about losing a parent - in a way I feel like I have lost my dad, although he's still alive. He's not the person I grew up knowing, I don't know if he actually changed or I just became old enough to see him as the not-very-nice person he was (rather than with the unconditional love of a child) but I still feel angry that I lost the dad I thought I'd always have and ended up with this man I dislike and want nothing to do with.
I don't think I'm bitter over it but, without knowing the full situation, I think that his daughter is entitled to feel angry over the loss of her father without wanting to accept the olive branch.

redwineguzzler

krlyr wrote: »

I don't know the cause of the fallout but I don't think it's unnatural for a child to feel bitter about losing a parent - in a way I feel like I have lost my dad, although he's still alive. He's not the person I grew up knowing, I don't know if he actually changed or I just became old enough to see him as the not-very-nice person he was (rather than with the unconditional love of a child) but I still feel angry that I lost the dad I thought I'd always have and ended up with this man I dislike and want nothing to do with.
I don't think I'm bitter over it but, without knowing the full situation, I think that his daughter is entitled to feel angry over the loss of her father without wanting to accept the olive branch.

I guess that the falling out came out of her separating from her partner and needing lots of support (which we gave), but when she insisted that 'Dad' gave all his attention to her (being the only girl), almost all of the time even when my hubby had stroke which he was in intensive care for, she got upset that he/we were not at her beck and call she felt she wasn't being given enough attention to (ie looking after her daughter every weekend) etc, so she could go out with her friends/drink etc.... We acknowledged that she needed a bit of 'her time' , but physically & emotionally couldn't be there ALL of the time, we also had a family to take care of, during this time she would still arrive at our home every weekend for babysitting/meals etc.... (which she was made very welcome) and when we eventually talked to her about this, she just kicked off, saying we didn't love her enough,etc etc, and so the saga went on - and now it's been 6 yrs.... and now we are at this point..... very sad really...

Person_one

That sounds exactly like the kind of story that has two sides.

Whoever's right or wrong, just focus on your son for now. If they weren't close before he won't be suffering for not seeing her now, but I imagine he won't want to see his mum upset and angry over it.

redwineguzzler

Person_one wrote: »

That sounds exactly like the kind of story that has two sides.

Whoever's right or wrong, just focus on your son for now. If they weren't close before he won't be suffering for not seeing her now, but I imagine he won't want to see his mum upset and angry over it.

The thing is they were close before this happened, which just makes the situation more awful, we recently had a birthday party for our son to which she was invited, but she never responded to, but your'e right, we just let the whole issue look like it never bothered us (inside it did), but never the less we had a lovely day and if you look at it from another angle, it's her that missed/is missing out on....