We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.
This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
Am I a bad friend?
badfriend?
Posts: 9 Forumite
Hi all
So I'm in a situation with a friend of mine we've been friends since school basically and we drifted apart for a few years.
Then a roughly 8 years ago she got back in contact with me and we've been friends since. Now friend to me means not always being there physically for someone but being on the end of the phone if needed etc as we lived around 300 odd miles away from one another. We both travelled to see one another perhaps her more so as she still lived at home so had more freedom and it was like a little holiday when she came to see me. So for a few years our friendship was like this and it was all fine.
A couple of years ago I moved back to the area where my family are which is around 25 odd miles from where she lives. I was excited to be near her and many of my other friends again but after a couple of nights out I've found myself a bit ill and skint to go out too much. I've also became a little agrophobic and nervous about going out which is completely different to who I am. (i've only really started telling friends about this as it's got worse since the new year.)
However I've always made an effort to see my friends, yes not as much as I would like and perhaps they would like but all but her understand and don't make me feel like !!!! for not seeing them.
When I first moved into the area again I got a teary call from her saying she needed me to come round straight away etc. I used my last money for the month on petrol to go around and left the dinner me and my OH had prepared to be there for her. To get there for me to not really be needed. She also did this another time whinged that noone was there to help her so I made an effort to go around and someone else turned up who was more equipped to help with the DIY that was needed.
Since then when she's whinged etc i've not gone round etc as to be honest I thought she hasn't "needed needed me" yes maybe she wanted somone there ( I get the feeling she's quite lonely at times).
Last year she was seeing someone from my area so was around this way a lot and we used to go to a class in my area also and when we went out it was always easier to leave her car and stay at mine to go out in the nearest city.
Apart from this we try to see each other equally at our houses but as we're both pretty skint at the moment it doesn't always work. Also the fact that she's free when i'm not and vice versa.
The last few times she's been down etc she's texted me these looong messages basically trying to say what a crap friend I am and how undependable I am. That I never go to her house and see her and don't go out with her ever.
I reply saying to her it's a shame she feels this way as I see her when we both are free and that it's not just her I don't go out with (the ironic thing is i've been out with her many more times than any of my other friends in the last year and a bit!!).
I invite her to EVERY event i'm invited to really as I don't like to think of her being alone and she whinges as they're all around my way.
The only time she seems to not be whinging at me or moaning about something is when she seems to be going out with other friends etc I see the photos and status on facebook etc. For which I'm happy for her in fact a little relieved as I'm left alone for a while.
But then after being quiet for a few weeks for which I have texted saying "how's you? how's things? what ya been up to? how's work?" that sort of thing i.e mostly if not ALWAYS about her and her life never really about mine. I'll get snooty one worded texts back and then i'll know to wait for the long "You're a crap friend text and trying to make me feel guilty text"
Sorry it's so long it's nearly done now. So the last time we had one of these conversations I told her the whole truth how I don't think she's being reasonable that she's being quite selfish expecting me to drop everything for her, that i've been sick and quite agrophobic and that i'm trying to save money but i'll see her when I can but that we BOTH have to make the effort and therefore we should meet halfway. She basically wouldn't speak to me before Christmas and the new year as she had to think about our friendship. But in all honesty I felt free and had an amazing time with other friends and family without feeling guilty!!
The latest installment is she's going away on holiday for a few weeks and texted me saying how i'm such a bad friend as I didn't come and see her this one particular day to say goodbye ( this was the only day she told me she was free and i'd made plans with people for work for ages!!) She had invited me out the weekend before on the day and expected me to go out with a couple of hours of notice but I had been really ill all weekend and was actually off work until the Thursday. However she has also invited me a few weeks before to a night out which I really didn't want to go to as I hate the area it's snobby and expensive I didn't feel great either and I was so skint. But I went as I knew I wouldn't be able to see her before she went!!
This was enough for her and now she said she's going to figure out if she wants our friendship while she's away and might not bother coming on this weekend we've planned and paid for when she gets back.
She always goes on about how all her friends leave her (she's lost so many in the last few years I've known her!!) and that of all the people she wants to see i'm the one that "can't be bothered" yet she then tells me that she tells really important things to people that she tells me aren't as good friends as me.
All my other friends tell me she's a toxic friend and to just say fine don't be friends with me if i'm that bad!! But I couldn't not be friends with her as she had so much going on and makes it seem sometimes like she has noone so I couldn't ever forgive myself if she'd done anything!!
Now however with this latest installment I don't feel guilty anymore I just feel like she is selfish and all "me me me" especially when she reinforced that she was trying to manipulate me by saying that I feel guilty and I didn't even put this in my text to her!! Now I realise she can only see things her way she even accused me of having no empathy when I try to see things from all points of view and that's why i've been patient for this long.
Sorry again for the length am I in the wrong here I want all opinions good and bad to see if i'm seeing it clearly.
Thanks so much for your responses
L x
So I'm in a situation with a friend of mine we've been friends since school basically and we drifted apart for a few years.
Then a roughly 8 years ago she got back in contact with me and we've been friends since. Now friend to me means not always being there physically for someone but being on the end of the phone if needed etc as we lived around 300 odd miles away from one another. We both travelled to see one another perhaps her more so as she still lived at home so had more freedom and it was like a little holiday when she came to see me. So for a few years our friendship was like this and it was all fine.
A couple of years ago I moved back to the area where my family are which is around 25 odd miles from where she lives. I was excited to be near her and many of my other friends again but after a couple of nights out I've found myself a bit ill and skint to go out too much. I've also became a little agrophobic and nervous about going out which is completely different to who I am. (i've only really started telling friends about this as it's got worse since the new year.)
However I've always made an effort to see my friends, yes not as much as I would like and perhaps they would like but all but her understand and don't make me feel like !!!! for not seeing them.
When I first moved into the area again I got a teary call from her saying she needed me to come round straight away etc. I used my last money for the month on petrol to go around and left the dinner me and my OH had prepared to be there for her. To get there for me to not really be needed. She also did this another time whinged that noone was there to help her so I made an effort to go around and someone else turned up who was more equipped to help with the DIY that was needed.
Since then when she's whinged etc i've not gone round etc as to be honest I thought she hasn't "needed needed me" yes maybe she wanted somone there ( I get the feeling she's quite lonely at times).
Last year she was seeing someone from my area so was around this way a lot and we used to go to a class in my area also and when we went out it was always easier to leave her car and stay at mine to go out in the nearest city.
Apart from this we try to see each other equally at our houses but as we're both pretty skint at the moment it doesn't always work. Also the fact that she's free when i'm not and vice versa.
The last few times she's been down etc she's texted me these looong messages basically trying to say what a crap friend I am and how undependable I am. That I never go to her house and see her and don't go out with her ever.
I reply saying to her it's a shame she feels this way as I see her when we both are free and that it's not just her I don't go out with (the ironic thing is i've been out with her many more times than any of my other friends in the last year and a bit!!).
I invite her to EVERY event i'm invited to really as I don't like to think of her being alone and she whinges as they're all around my way.
The only time she seems to not be whinging at me or moaning about something is when she seems to be going out with other friends etc I see the photos and status on facebook etc. For which I'm happy for her in fact a little relieved as I'm left alone for a while.
But then after being quiet for a few weeks for which I have texted saying "how's you? how's things? what ya been up to? how's work?" that sort of thing i.e mostly if not ALWAYS about her and her life never really about mine. I'll get snooty one worded texts back and then i'll know to wait for the long "You're a crap friend text and trying to make me feel guilty text"
Sorry it's so long it's nearly done now. So the last time we had one of these conversations I told her the whole truth how I don't think she's being reasonable that she's being quite selfish expecting me to drop everything for her, that i've been sick and quite agrophobic and that i'm trying to save money but i'll see her when I can but that we BOTH have to make the effort and therefore we should meet halfway. She basically wouldn't speak to me before Christmas and the new year as she had to think about our friendship. But in all honesty I felt free and had an amazing time with other friends and family without feeling guilty!!
The latest installment is she's going away on holiday for a few weeks and texted me saying how i'm such a bad friend as I didn't come and see her this one particular day to say goodbye ( this was the only day she told me she was free and i'd made plans with people for work for ages!!) She had invited me out the weekend before on the day and expected me to go out with a couple of hours of notice but I had been really ill all weekend and was actually off work until the Thursday. However she has also invited me a few weeks before to a night out which I really didn't want to go to as I hate the area it's snobby and expensive I didn't feel great either and I was so skint. But I went as I knew I wouldn't be able to see her before she went!!
This was enough for her and now she said she's going to figure out if she wants our friendship while she's away and might not bother coming on this weekend we've planned and paid for when she gets back.
She always goes on about how all her friends leave her (she's lost so many in the last few years I've known her!!) and that of all the people she wants to see i'm the one that "can't be bothered" yet she then tells me that she tells really important things to people that she tells me aren't as good friends as me.
All my other friends tell me she's a toxic friend and to just say fine don't be friends with me if i'm that bad!! But I couldn't not be friends with her as she had so much going on and makes it seem sometimes like she has noone so I couldn't ever forgive myself if she'd done anything!!
Now however with this latest installment I don't feel guilty anymore I just feel like she is selfish and all "me me me" especially when she reinforced that she was trying to manipulate me by saying that I feel guilty and I didn't even put this in my text to her!! Now I realise she can only see things her way she even accused me of having no empathy when I try to see things from all points of view and that's why i've been patient for this long.
Sorry again for the length am I in the wrong here I want all opinions good and bad to see if i'm seeing it clearly.
Thanks so much for your responses
L x
"Every person is a new door to a different world."
- from movie "Six Degrees of Seperation"
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa
- from movie "Six Degrees of Seperation"
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa
0
Comments
-
I couldn't be friends with someone like that, I just couldn't. Friends don't say those sort of things to each other.
You both seem to want different things from friendship from each other, it seems it would be better just letting her go her own way.Freedom is not worth having if it does not include the freedom to make mistakes.0 -
I had a friend like this - always laying the guilt trip on me because she wasn't the centre of my world. In the end I had enough, and after one text message telling me what a cr*p friend I was and she didn't want to see me for a while, I sent one back saying "Fine, let me know when you change your mind."
I haven't heard from her since (6 years now).
I just don't need people like that in my life.0 -
Thank you so much both of you for reading my essay and sorry for the mistakes!!
I think you're both right I shouldn't have a friend like this in my life. I think i've known this for a while but didn't want to think of her being all alone but now I realise that she's not a great friend towards me in that respect and I'm not going to live my life in fear of being accused of being a crap friend with every other text I get!!"Every person is a new door to a different world."
- from movie "Six Degrees of Seperation"
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa0 -
She's selfish and clingy with you - when there's no one else around to pander to her ego.
I think you're probably better off away from her, if you can't break the friendship entirely, then keep it as a casual friendship and nothing more.I’m a Forum Ambassador and I support the Forum Team on the Old style MoneySaving boards.
If you need any help on these boards, please let me know.
Please report any posts you spot that are in breach of the Forum Rules by using the Report button, or by e-mailing forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com.
All views are my own and not of MoneySavingExpert.com0 -
Sounds like she want you as some sort of emotional crutch. She is obviously a very needy person and she must find something in you that she doesn't in others. I have had a situation with a friend, different to yours but similar in some ways, and it has now ended because in the end i just couldn't take it anymore. I felt emotionally shattered at the end of it.Raven. :grinheart:grinheart:grinheart0
-
Thanks for reading too! I think that's what I'm going to have to do i'll text her when she gets back I wanted to leave and not say what I wanted to say I was soooo angry at first as she was flying out the next morning...but even now a week later i'm still so angry...I'll just respond saying I think she's right we can't change our friendship so if she's not happy we should agree to leave it there!"Every person is a new door to a different world."
- from movie "Six Degrees of Seperation"
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa0 -
Thanks awell for reading Raven...that's exactly how I feel shattered by it all...I hate getting a text from her now as I know it will be either a whingy text or one slating me!
I hope you're ok now you got out of your situation!"Every person is a new door to a different world."
- from movie "Six Degrees of Seperation"
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa0 -
badfriend? wrote: »Thanks awell for reading Raven...that's exactly how I feel shattered by it all...I hate getting a text from her now as I know it will be either a whingy text or one slating me!
I hope you're ok now you got out of your situation!
i used to feel the same, as soon as i saw she had text me my heart would sink as i know it was either another mind game or something that emotionally draining. For some reason she wanted to control me and have me "there".Raven. :grinheart:grinheart:grinheart0 -
i used to feel the same, as soon as i saw she had text me my heart would sink as i know it was either another mind game or something that emotionally draining. For some reason she wanted to control me and have me "there".
It's a horrible feeling isn't it...then I was feeling bad that I felt that and that made me think that I wasn't a good friend either!
I feel better knowing it's not me being selfish and I feel like i'm almost free! I do slightly feel a bit concerned about how she's going to take it! But i'm not letting her try to manipulate me any more!!"Every person is a new door to a different world."
- from movie "Six Degrees of Seperation"
"If you judge people, you have no time to love them."
- Mother Teresa0 -
badfriend? wrote: »The latest installment is she's going away on holiday for a few weeks and texted me saying how i'm such a bad friend as I didn't come and see her this one particular day to say goodbye
What a drama queen! What, does she expect people to visit her to say goodbye because she is going on holiday?! I'm sorry I could not put up with a ridiculous melodramatic self-centred drama queen. I expect the reason she has happy times with friends (re: the Facebook photos) is because they won't put up with this nonsense. You have amazing patience OP. I think I would have strangled her by now! I usually try and see the other person's perspective, but I would dump this 'friend'.0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 352.1K Banking & Borrowing
- 253.6K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 454.2K Spending & Discounts
- 245.1K Work, Benefits & Business
- 600.7K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 177.5K Life & Family
- 258.9K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.6K Read-Only Boards