Husband wants out of our marriage - advice?

Debt_Free_Chick

beeepbeeep wrote: »

I love him so much it hurts, I've never felt this way about anyone and really don't feel that I could love someone else this much.

Have you told him all of this? And this ...

I wanted him to concentrate (sp?) on his work and studies as he always said that this would lead to promotion / better job for him and therefore a better life for 'us' in the long-run.

So often, we behave in a way that we truly believe is supportive of our partner ... but it turns out to be precisely the opposite of what they want and need (painful personal experience here).

Perhaps he feels neglected - sorry, that is absolutely not a criticism but a suggestion that you may have misunderstood his needs.

Talk to him ... please.

Mojisola

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

So often, we behave in a way that we truly believe is supportive of our partner ... but it turns out to be precisely the opposite of what they want and need (painful personal experience here).

Perhaps he feels neglected - sorry, that is absolutely not a criticism but a suggestion that you may have misunderstood his needs.

Talk to him ... please.

I wondered about this - not so much that he might feel neglected but that you've stopped doing things as a couple. Even doing the washing and drying up together gives you a chance to talk and catch up on how things are going.

It may be too late but do talk to him or write a letter so that you have a chance to get the words right.

marisco_2

Sorry to hear of the troubles you are going through at the moment OP. Relationship problems are never easy to deal with especially when there are children involved.

You know the relationship between you and your husband best. Do you feel that there is any chance you could salvage things and get back on track? Would marriage counselling be worth a try? Relate are extremely good.

My marriage fell apart 6 years ago in different circumstances to yours. My ex never told me he had stopped loving me, but he definately showed it in other ways. I dont think counselling could have helped us, he wasn't willing to give it a go. However I regret not pushing harder for us to go, if only to get some answers to things and find closure.

Sending hugs to you. Dont try to cope with this alone. Use this site whenever you need and lean on good friends and family. You sound like a good mum and you need to be okay to be there for the children. Take care hun.

conradmum

It sounds as though your behaviour before you 'wised up' killed his love for you and he has spent these last three years waiting to see if he would feel the same again. But now maybe he's realised the old feeling won't return and he's given up? I'm just trying to see the situation from his perspective to give you some insight into why he's said what he has.

If this is the case you would be best off accepting and respecting his feelings - tell him how deeply you still love him of course - but as long as you try to hold on to him the stronger he will pull away.

skm44

I'm not really in a position to give advice but just wanted to let you know you are not alone. My partner of eight years (lived together for seven) left three weeks ago. We weren't married, had no children, but I understand the heartache you are going through. He left saying he wasn't happy. He was not willing to work through things or try counseling.
All I can say is try to keep busy, cry if you need to, but keep your dignity. Respect his decision, even if you disagree with it. If he wants to come back, he will, but he will have to make that decision himself. The more you push, the more he will pull away, like the poster above says. Give him the opportunity to miss you, and perhaps he might see things differently. Hugs xx

thehappybutterfly

I've much the same advice as other posters. Don't plead or beg him to say - that would probably make it worse. Just tell him calmly and sensibly that you love him, you don't want him to leave and that you would like to try and work things out. But if he really wants to go, keep the communication channels open. Your relationship might just get better if you're no longer living together.

Good luck.

beautiful_ravens

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

So often, we behave in a way that we truly believe is supportive of our partner ... but it turns out to be precisely the opposite of what they want and need (painful personal experience here)

you may have misunderstood his needs.

Absolutely this. This a key thing to remember - your own ideas of what it means to be supportive are sometimes not what others ideas of support are, so is in the long run best to start out saying 'I will be supportive by doing X' and then discuss! In a lot of cases, people have different views of what 'marriage' 'relationship' and 'having kids' means - my ex thought that we had had a baby and so that = staying together forever by default, no matter what, which was a view I didnt share, but I didnt KNOW he thought that until it was all over! Too often we assume that everyone has the same definition of things!


Anyway OP - if someone has got to a point where he can actually say to you that they fell out of love or, its over, then it probably is over for him, no matter what youd like. x hugs x

GlynD

Don't let your marriage end without a fight. You can work through this.

beeepbeeep

Thanks to everyone who has posted hugs and advice. I really wish that I could let my husband go, and I realise that its not fair to him trying to keep him in a relationship where he's not happy.

We've spoken today and he's told me that due to several factors (work, study, exams and us) that he feels depressed. We've decided that we are going to have 'date nights' and try to recapture the feelings that we had in the early days.

It's not a foregone conclusion that we will stay together, but at least we are trying to make a go of things.

Thanks again for all the support and advice, it's been good to see it from other peoples perspectives.

BB

MandM90

beeepbeeep wrote: »

Thanks to everyone who has posted hugs and advice. I really wish that I could let my husband go, and I realise that its not fair to him trying to keep him in a relationship where he's not happy.

We've spoken today and he's told me that due to several factors (work, study, exams and us) that he feels depressed. We've decided that we are going to have 'date nights' and try to recapture the feelings that we had in the early days.

It's not a foregone conclusion that we will stay together, but at least we are trying to make a go of things.

Thanks again for all the support and advice, it's been good to see it from other peoples perspectives.

BB

That's lovely to hear BB. I hope it all works out for you. Sometimes we have a hard time remembering who we were before money issues, work, studying, kids etc etc etc. Date nights really work for us - or even having a 'no technology' night, playing scrabble and drinking wine. As does dressing up for no reason (sounds shallow, I know, but OH loves me in a dress and heels), laughing together, or trying something new.

It seems like you also have deeper issues, and I hope you manage to persuade him to go to Relate before you reach crisis point again. He's very lucky to have someone that loves him so very much, and I hope he wakes up and realises it.