Relationship and marriage ended after 15 years

Haydencsmum

Evening All

My husband announced at the start of May that he'd been having an affair. We'd been together since I was 19 (him 21), married for the last 7 years (I'm 34 now). We have one 3 year old child.

Prior to this announcement I was happy and thought we had a happy strong marriage. Yes, not everything was rosie, but we loved each other, were there for each other and enjoyed raising our son together.

Everything has now changed. The only reasons my husband has given for his year long affair are he didn't get enough affection, felt at times my family came before him and that 'things' hadn't been right for years.

It's been 4 weeks since he left and I'm doing Ok, but struggling with a few things, and hoped for some advice please:

1 - What should I do? Get a solicitor? Arrange a separation agreement? File for divorce?

2 - How specific are separation/divorce arrangements? Can I specify how long it should be before my son is introduced to his new partner? Can I request for pension benefits/life polices to be assigned to a trust for our son?

My husband has been carrying on on Twitter like I don't exist. Talking about his plans with his new partner, saying how much he loves her etc. I find this difficult to accept, not least as his profile includes 'devoted husband'.

I need a reality check. Am I being too sensitive or are his actions insensitive?

I apologise my message is all over the place...much like I feel right now!

Any advise greatly appreciated. I just need to know where to start.


Thank you

alwaysonthego_2

Perhaps you should give yourself time to get your head together before you think about divorce, but it maybe a good idea to try and get either a free appointment/ fixed cost appointment with a solicitor for initial advice. I did the divorce myself without a solicitor, but have instructed one to deal with the financial and child side of it. You could arrange mediation to discuss arrangements but you can't control what he does with the kids in his own time with them unless they are at risk from harm.

VestanPance

You must be shocked and deeply hurt to be betrayed by someone you love. Having been in that position myself my sympathy and thoughts are with you.

Regarding the legal aspect of things you'd be far better sitting down and discussing that with a solicitor. Just be aware that once they get involved it could be very easy for things to get nasty, so if possible for everyone involved I hope you can find an amicable to go through the process.

EDIT: One other thing. I don't really go for mantras or sayings as some guiding light, but one bit of advise I wished I'd listened to was no matter what and no matter how difficult it can be is to be able at the end of it all to be able to walk away with you head held high and with respect for yourself. It's easy at times like this to let anger or emotions to lead you to do or say things you later regret. Try to be true to yourself, at least that way in years to come you can look back with pride in how you conducted yourself.

londonsurrey

VestanPance wrote: »

One other thing. I don't really go for mantras or sayings as some guiding light, but one bit of advise I wished I'd listened to was no matter what and no matter how difficult it can be is to be able at the end of it all to be able to walk away with you head held high and with respect for yourself. It's easy at times like this to let anger or emotions to lead you to do or say things you later regret. Try to be true to yourself, at least that way in years to come you can look back with pride in how you conducted yourself.

I agree with you in principle, but I made the mistake of assuming that being able to take pride equalled "being nice".

I've now come to realise that actually, telling the assorted parties some home truths was what I needed to do to take pride and not look back in regret!

Wilma33

Don't follow him on twitter (or Facbook)!

gizmo111

www.ondivorce.co.uk was my saviour when it happened to me. xx

curlygirl1971

Haydencsmum wrote: »

My husband has been carrying on on Twitter like I don't exist. Talking about his plans with his new partner, saying how much he loves her etc. I find this difficult to accept, not least as his profile includes 'devoted husband'.

I need a reality check. Am I being too sensitive or are his actions insensitive?


Thank you

I'm sorry that I can't give you any practical experience - am sure there will be plenty to follow though.

No you are not being too sensitive - sadly I think what he is doing is very typical of a partner who has already 'moved on' in their head and heart. They are so wrapped up in their own happiness, relief at no longer living a lie, new life, excited by their new plans etc., that they can see nothing beyond their own little bubble.

For you, 4 weeks is still early days - give your self time to get over this. I was devastated when a previous relationship of mine came to an end (even though we weren't married and it wasn't a long term relationship). I'm embarrassed to think back but I have to admit I was Ill with it and much of this was caused by having my nose royally rubbed in his new life plans/new official partner. It was almost like a grief, I just had to ride through it in stages.

There will be a morning in the future when that god-awful feeling isn't the first thing you are aware of. It won't always be a struggle, it will get better. But in the mean time steel yourself for a potential fight

The very best of luck x

curlygirl1971

Wilma33 wrote: »

Don't follow him on twitter (or Facbook)!

Fantastic advise! It will poison you otherwise

meer53

Haydencsmum wrote: »

Evening All

My husband announced at the start of May that he'd been having an affair. We'd been together since I was 19 (him 21), married for the last 7 years (I'm 34 now). We have one 3 year old child.

Prior to this announcement I was happy and thought we had a happy strong marriage. Yes, not everything was rosie, but we loved each other, were there for each other and enjoyed raising our son together.

Everything has now changed. The only reasons my husband has given for his year long affair are he didn't get enough affection, felt at times my family came before him and that 'things' hadn't been right for years.

It's been 4 weeks since he left and I'm doing Ok, but struggling with a few things, and hoped for some advice please:

1 - What should I do? Get a solicitor? Arrange a separation agreement? File for divorce?

2 - How specific are separation/divorce arrangements? Can I specify how long it should be before my son is introduced to his new partner? Can I request for pension benefits/life polices to be assigned to a trust for our son?

My husband has been carrying on on Twitter like I don't exist. Talking about his plans with his new partner, saying how much he loves her etc. I find this difficult to accept, not least as his profile includes 'devoted husband'.

I need a reality check. Am I being too sensitive or are his actions insensitive?

I apologise my message is all over the place...much like I feel right now!

Any advise greatly appreciated. I just need to know where to start.


Thank you

You have my sympathy, been there done that.

1. Don't do anything yet, it's far too soon to be thinking about solicitors. Give yourself some time to collect your thoughts. They will change from day to day. You may make an expensive mistake.

2. You don't need to worry about these things just yet either. Take your time, make sure he knows that you WILL let your son meet his new partner when YOU feel he is ready and not before. It will affect your son just as much as you. The legalities of pensions/insurances etc can be discussed when YOU have made up your mind what to do, and taken some legal advice, you don't need to pay for it to begin with. If he wants a divorce, let him pay for it.

3. DO NOT log on to Twitter or any other social networking sites he uses. It will just torment you, which is what he wants. Don't give him that satisfaction. Change your settings, block him or whatever you can do to prevent you seeing what he's saying. His actions are insensitive, and childish,but they are meant to be, he's rubbing your nose in it. Rise above it, you're better than that.

Keep smiling, you'll be fine, it will just take time. Took me about 2 years to accept it, after over 20 years of marriage. My life is so much better now

deb68_2

hi
im sorry your going through such bad time i dont have any advice JUST be kind to yourself (((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))
Deb x

Haydencsmum

Thank you for everyone's lovely, kind advice. From what you've all said it sounds like I just need to take a few deep breaths and let my get my head round things before involving a solicitor.

We've managed to amicably agree on how much he needs to pay into the joint account each month to pay towards our sons living and child care costs. I had a look at the CSA guidelines (20% of net salary) and we've agreed a figure that's 29% of his net monthly salary. We both work full time, so we have child care costs to consider over and above usual day to day costs. He seems happy with this and it means I can continue to pay the mortgage, house bills, food, child care etc.

He wants to see our son as much as he can and we've agreed he drops our son off at the child minder on Mon, Tues & Fri am's (so I can get off to work early), he comes for the evening on Mon, Tues & Thurs (to do the bath time, bed time routine) and has our son during the day on Saturday's. We're both happy with this, but on the second Saturday he took our son to meet his new partner without asking me (I really wasn't happy at this). He text over the weekend just gone that he wants to introduce our son to his new partners friends and family as he wants to get on with his new life.

I'm just not ready for this. If I can't understand what's going on, what chance has our 3 year old got? Before his new partner is introduced into our sons life I want to know that they are in a stable relationship. To my knowledge over the 12 months this affair went on, my husband had only been away over night on two occasions, and had been out on one evening. They don't work together so I can only assume their relationship has been built online. They are now living together.

I'm the one who has to answer my sons questions, comfort him when he's upset. I need to be stong in myself to be able to help my son through this and I don't think I can just yet. My husband and I didn't argue, bicker etc. Neither my son or I (or my husband as I thought) were unhappy. My husbands decision has been made purely on his perceived needs. I can't do the "mummy and daddy weren't happy, they can be better parents for you apart". Daddy met someone new, decided he liked her better and moved out...

At all costs I want my son protected, he does not deserve any of this. I just need some time to adjust without feeling pressured to do things I'm not ready for. Hence my thoughts around a separation agreement outlining how soon the new partner can be introduced. If this isn't possible I'll just have to hope we can amicably agree something.

Thank you all again

XxX