Relationship and marriage ended after 15 years

Yorkie1

From my observation of a friend's relationship, children can be remarkably adaptable at that age. Obviously, you know your child and how he reacts to things, but at 3 years old I'd have thought that he is unlikely to be able to process the reality of who the new gf is - it means far more to you than it will to him. It may be that he will pick up more on your completely understandable distress about this rather than what is actually happening.

meer53

My daughter was 2 when my ex left. My son was 15 so it was more difficult for him.

My daughter has grown up with the situation and when she was small just accepted it and never questioned things. It was normal for her. Kids really do adapt far better than you think they will, it will still hurt you when he takes your son and they are playing happy families, but don't let your son see how much. I never let my daughter know how much i was hurting, she really liked my ex's new partner which made it even worse for me, but it wouldn't have been fair for me to say anything otherwise.

She's nearly 12 now, and knows exactly what happened and has made her own mind up about things ! Her dad and his slapper are no longer together (there's a surprise !) it hasn't affected her relationship with her Dad luckily. Your son will be fine, as long as you don't make an issue of it. I know you will want to, but it's really not worth it.

I'm hoping that one day, my daughter will look back and think "you know, what happened was really hard for my Mum, but she did what was right for me at the time and was the better person"

It sounds as though things are fairly amicable for the moment, let things settle for a while, if you can keep it this way, your life will be so much easier.

JustinCredibleGillespie

''He wants to see our son as much as he can and we've agreed he drops our son off at the child minder on Mon, Tues & Fri am's (so I can get off to work early), he comes for the evening on Mon, Tues & Thurs (to do the bath time, bed time routine) and has our son during the day on Saturday's''

Are you sure that these arrangements are such a good idea? After all you'll be spending quite alot of time with your ex and it is going to make your healing process alot harder to overcome.

JCG

xx

meer53

JustinCredibleGillespie wrote: »

''He wants to see our son as much as he can and we've agreed he drops our son off at the child minder on Mon, Tues & Fri am's (so I can get off to work early), he comes for the evening on Mon, Tues & Thurs (to do the bath time, bed time routine) and has our son during the day on Saturday's''

Are you sure that these arrangements are such a good idea? After all you'll be spending quite alot of time with your ex and it is going to make your healing process alot harder to overcome.

JCG

xx

I agree with this. He sounds as though he wants to have his cake and eat it too ! You need to rethink this.

How long do you think it will be before his new girlfriend decides that he's spending too much time at yours and tries to put a stop to it ? Not good for your son either as i can't see your ex keeping this up.

DylanO

Haydencsmum wrote: »

Thank you for everyone's lovely, kind advice. From what you've all said it sounds like I just need to take a few deep breaths and let my get my head round things before involving a solicitor.

We've managed to amicably agree on how much he needs to pay into the joint account each month to pay towards our sons living and child care costs. I had a look at the CSA guidelines (20% of net salary) and we've agreed a figure that's 29% of his net monthly salary. We both work full time, so we have child care costs to consider over and above usual day to day costs. He seems happy with this and it means I can continue to pay the mortgage, house bills, food, child care etc.

He wants to see our son as much as he can and we've agreed he drops our son off at the child minder on Mon, Tues & Fri am's (so I can get off to work early), he comes for the evening on Mon, Tues & Thurs (to do the bath time, bed time routine) and has our son during the day on Saturday's. We're both happy with this, but on the second Saturday he took our son to meet his new partner without asking me (I really wasn't happy at this). He text over the weekend just gone that he wants to introduce our son to his new partners friends and family as he wants to get on with his new life.

I'm just not ready for this. If I can't understand what's going on, what chance has our 3 year old got? Before his new partner is introduced into our sons life I want to know that they are in a stable relationship. To my knowledge over the 12 months this affair went on, my husband had only been away over night on two occasions, and had been out on one evening. They don't work together so I can only assume their relationship has been built online. They are now living together.

I'm the one who has to answer my sons questions, comfort him when he's upset. I need to be stong in myself to be able to help my son through this and I don't think I can just yet. My husband and I didn't argue, bicker etc. Neither my son or I (or my husband as I thought) were unhappy. My husbands decision has been made purely on his perceived needs. I can't do the "mummy and daddy weren't happy, they can be better parents for you apart". Daddy met someone new, decided he liked her better and moved out...

At all costs I want my son protected, he does not deserve any of this. I just need some time to adjust without feeling pressured to do things I'm not ready for. Hence my thoughts around a separation agreement outlining how soon the new partner can be introduced. If this isn't possible I'll just have to hope we can amicably agree something.

Thank you all again

XxX

I think for one child, the CSA guidelines are 15% so you're actually getting nearly double of what he is legally required to pay. Just something to consider for the future.

It's going to be difficult, obviously, but you cannot expect to have any say over your ex's choice of partner and when they meet your son, unless you allow your ex to have exactly the same control over your future relationships. That's a very dangerous path to go down, especially as you're actually getting a pretty good deal in relation to child maintenance.

Try to remember that kids are resilient - meeting a new partner at 3 isn't going to be a traumatic experience in the long run. And it will make it easier for when you introduce a new partner to him when you choose to do so.

Scaisi

gizmo111 wrote: »

www.ondivorce.co.uk was my saviour when it happened to me. xx

Alternatively: http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/Divorce-Advice/

jungle_jane

Wow your ex certainly doesn't win any prizes for sensitivity!!

OP you should definitely stop following him on twitter, FB etc. He has clearly moved on and wants the world to know how happy he is (reminds me of Tom Cruise jumping up on Oprah's sofa) and he's not given a thought as to how hurtful that may be to you.

I think his maintenance is extremely generous but would be surprised if he does not adjust this in later years as it is way in excess of CSA guidelines and unless he is on really good money he may find it a struggle to contribute this much. If not, well that is at least one fortunate part of this whole mess.

I agree with Justin and Meer - the access arrangements are not great. You need a clean break - how can you heal and move on when he keeps coming over to play daddy and then leaving again to be with his new partner? It's not really fair on her either and I am sure that in time she will want this to stop. It's especially not fair on your little one - it's an extremely mixed message you are giving him. But most of all I think it's unfair on you - you are better off with minimal contact in your home in order that you can come to terms with what has happened. Your ex has had over a year to reconcile with his actions...for you this is very raw still.

Regarding meeting your little boy - I know it is not what you want but you will need to understand moving forward that your OH can do what he wants in his custody time with his son as long as he is not putting your son into danger. So although you can express a preference you can't actually stop him. Just as he can't dictate what you do in your custody time.

What you will need to do is keep your relationship with him civil and productive in order that you can successfully co-parent. this is the hard bit - how do you keep each other informed about things that happen to your child? how do you discuss issues around rules, behaviour, schooling, medical issues? these have to be shared and sometimes you will need to consult each other and this can be quite hard in many cases and this is where a lot of friction emerges with divorced parents. There is nothing like a divorce to highlight differences in parenting - you should expect that you guys are not always going to agree with things but as your are both parents equally you will need to settle on appropriate ways of communicating.

Sorry you are going through this and I hope that you have people you can talk to and can give you support...even some counselling maybe?

As the others have said, small children are extremely resilliant and accepting. I am sure that your LO will be just fine.

Haydencsmum

Thank you again for your support and guidance.

In the short term I need my ex to help out with dropping our son at the child minders as I start work before our child minder does. My mum and dad are trying to sell their house to move closer and as soon as that happens I'll need him less and need less money, things should get easier.

I'm coming to terms with the fact he can do what he likes when he has our son, and suppose I should be grateful that he has at least asked before doing as he wishes.

I'm really lucky that I have a great network of friends and family who are all helping me through this is there own ways, not least by keeping me very busy. On the days my ex has our son I've been painting and redecorating the house, I'm finding thus very therapeutic!

I'm really not a doom and gloom person and I can see that I'll come out of this happy...I just wish, for now, that I could switch it off and go back to normal.

One day at a time and all that.

XxX

caeler

I was dropped overnight by my ex husband and I too thought we had a happy and strong marriage. He gave me similar reasons to excuse his affair. The way I coped was after a short mourning period and coming to terms that he was never coming home, I took control, I initiated divorce proceedings for unreasonable behaviour, got the house on the market and cleared all his junk out of the house. I make it sound super easy and straight forward but those months were the hardest of my life and I had many ups and downs. I had great friends and family and now over 4 years on, I am happy, settled and it was probably the best thing that ever happened to me. Social networking is evil, for months I couldn't help 'spying' on what he was up to and I think that held me back, sever all ties if there is definately no going back. Scaici's link was excellent help for me too. I'm afraid I've nothing practical to add around children as there were none involved in my situation.

Haydencsmum

Caeler, advice taken. I just blocked him on Facebook and twitter. Strangely feel quite liberated! Another step forward.

Thank you