im going to fight my way out of this mess - part 1

gottabstrong

hi - i cant sleep - been thinking about doing this for so long .......

ok i understand if nobody wants to read this - but it is very therapeutic just getting all my worries out...

got lot of debts, both large and small - have nothing to show for them!

OH has no idea apart from one of the debts - I have said this before but things are serious now. What should have been a simple remortgage wont go through with our bank - they say we need an adverse credit company. we have never had mortgage arrears, but there are 4 debts on my credit report (totalling about £2400)

one was for a Woolwich account OH had a few years ago, he was never ever in the red until we missed some payments after moving his wages to another account and forgetting to change the direct debits. i kept paying but never got over the ever accumulating charges - the account now stands at £1080, but I worked out i already paid £1700 in charges.i never told OH about the charges. I have started the reclaim bank charge process, but is it too little too late?

will they remove the debt from our credit file?

second is Lloyds TSB. I was charged £1300 in failed DD charges, OD fees etc through having to leave work because of my seriously ill child. made no difference however much i complained to lloyds at the time. anyway few months ago i won back £750. they refused to pay the rest .the amount i received would have cleared the amount owing (£699) - but I was in a corner cash wise and had to pay a builder (he charged more than we thought and I was so scared of OH reaction that for an 'easy life' I paid the bill). It left me with about £20 of the money from Lloyds.

Until then they hadnt registered this as a default - but now i guess because they have done their bit and I didnt use the money to pay them back, they have put it on my credit file and are getting heavy.

I have today written to Capital One requesting charges back (£337 owed) so thats something. Getting sick and scared of them harrassing me!

Also before I had a bit of earnings every month (not much) which I could chuck at my debts - but now my OH has had the 'good idea' of all my earnings and child benefit going into his account then he gives me pocket money. It means I have no 'secret' income to use!

Does anyone know if companies accept say £1 per month as a token repayment?

I smile at home and we have just had a week away too and I loved it but on the back of my mind was what letters were waiting at home (the lengths I go to to make sure OH doesnt find them!)

I am letting normal things go now and this latest problem with the mortgage is bad!! OH keeps asking every day why the holdup? - i keep making excuses.

Well this is a rather depressing blog and I dont blame anyone for wanting to read this far ... however i promise myself i will log on daily and move forward

thanks all -

oliveoyl

why don't you tell him? if he wants the credit (your wages & child benefit), then he should also share the debt. why does he want it paid into his account? it sounds to me, from the bit that you've said, that he might already know something's not right.

i would suggest putting your soa up (see the fixed post at the top of dfw boards), but if you don't get any money yourself, that might be a bit difficult. but you could try it, post up your pocket money as income, and what you're expected to pay out of it etc. the professionals on here will help as much as possible.

but for now you should try to get some sleep!

gottabstrong

thanks oliveoyl - i am afraid of telling him to be honest . he wants the money though his account because he thinks we need to cut down .. .

i will post an soa tomorrow - good advice. and thanks, i will try to sleep now - so many thoughts going round in my head!

goodnight

ms_london

Hi Gottabstrong - welcome to MSE!!!

Definately tell your OH, there is no way around it & the longer you hide it and keep things from him the worse it will get - you could be in a worse situation that you are now before you know it. We all know that once the bank charges start hitting your account, its a snowball effect, but it the wrong direction!!

It will take a lot of courage, but you NEED to do it. Sit down with all of the paperwork, be honest & then you can work at it together.

Looking at your household budget & getting your head around it will make things a lot easier instantly, or even when you know the exact amount of what you owe that will help too, rather than thinking "ooooh, its around 8,000" when it could be quite a bit more (not wanting to scare you, but you need to face all of the facts so you can deal with it!).

When you have worked out your SOA and looked at what you CAN afford to repay you will need to propose this to your creditors, and perhaps enclose a copy of your SOA (some or all creditors will ask for it!!), but the worse thing you can do is ignore it and hope it will go away, it never does!!! Some of my creditors were pretty good, one even froze the interest (until I cleared the debt if i remember correctly!!), others will just cut you a bit of slack if you promise to pay $x (excuse the dollar sign, im in sydney!) for a period of x months.

The biggest issue is obviously the mortgage. Why do you need to remortgage? Was that to clear your debts or for another reason?

Let us all know how you get on, we're here to help!! xx

gottabstrong

hi ms_london!

first i have to say when i first started looking at this site over a year or so ago, i followed your progress with awe! so its great to hear from you - hope australia treating you well!

i have been close to sitting down with my husband and telling all but 2 things stop me - he has chronic depressive illness, he can be violent. i know i sound such an idiot. nobody knows about these things , i havent got any mates to talk to either (hence the stupid blog!!)

i will post my details and see what anybody suggests. i really appreciate you answering .

x

---lee---

About a year after meeting my wife (before we were married), she told me she had quite a bit of debt. I was quite shocked at the time but I knew something had been upsetting her and we were both relieved that it was out in the open.

That must have been about 13 years ago now. I can’t remember exactly how much it was but it was a significant amount at the time given her income (and she was working two jobs to keep up with it). She wanted to pay it off herself but it made such a difference being able to be open and honest about it.

I was on really rubbish money at the time and could not have helped financially in any case but I was able to support in other ways. About a year on I got a better job and was able to help her out and together we cleared the debt so that we could start saving for a mortgage deposit.

I suppose I’m trying to give you an example of why I think it’s probably better out in the open. I know you’re concerned because your husband is illness but by bottling all this up and trying to deal with it yourself, it sounds like your going to make yourself ill which would only make the situation worse. You might be surprised at the support and positive contributions that he can make – but he can’t do that if you don’t give him the opportunity.

Obviously I don’t know your financial circumstances, but from what you describe it sounds like your at a critical point where you could turn things around before they start to get more serious.

Good luck with it.

ms_london I am so jealous

ms_london

gottabstrong wrote: »

hi ms_london!

first i have to say when i first started looking at this site over a year or so ago, i followed your progress with awe! so its great to hear from you - hope australia treating you well!

i have been close to sitting down with my husband and telling all but 2 things stop me - he has chronic depressive illness, he can be violent. i know i sound such an idiot. nobody knows about these things , i havent got any mates to talk to either (hence the stupid blog!!)

i will post my details and see what anybody suggests. i really appreciate you answering .

x

Hey!!

Aaw, shucks!!! I must say although I did pay off a hefty amount rather quick it was a hell of a lot easier for me to do so having no family or anyone else to worry about, so I do feel for you & everyone else that doesnt just have themselves to think about!!

Has your husband been violent to you in the past? I guess that complicates matters but you still shouldnt have to carry this on your own - is there noone you can talk to? Not even a family member? PM me if you want someone to talk to and I'll try and help, its not nice to think people have noone to turn to !!

Obviously its worrying if he does have violent tendencies, brought on by the illness or otherwise, but is there a chance he could react the same anyway if he felt you'd been hiding things from him?

You have one child? or more than one? You need to think about them too & I would hate for you to lose the house if this wasnt dealt with soon.

Perhaps get together a list of what you owe so that you can sort it out in your own mind and then when you feel a bit more positive (but not leaving it too long) you could sit down and tell your husband and propose how you are going to help you both get out of the situation you're in now...

You may or may not get your bank charges back but it wont happen today so unfortunately I wouldnt recommend waiting for them (but see it as a bonus if and when you do get them back!). Are you claiming all of the benefits & tax credits you are entitled to? The Old Style board is a great help and do things like meal plan if you dont already....

Once you have a list of whom you owe money too, call each and every one of them. Do it tomorrow (if you have a moment without OH or your kids to do it in), say that you are having financial difficulties, could they freeze the interest/charges and help you work out a payment plan? If you cant afford what they propose you need to tell them, as if you agree to it and then not pay they may just think you're messing them around and be less inclined to help you.

Sending you big hugs, wish there was something more that I can do!!

xx

ms_london

---lee--- wrote: »

I know you’re concerned because your husband is illness but by bottling all this up and trying to deal with it yourself, it sounds like your going to make yourself ill which would only make the situation worse. You might be surprised at the support and positive contributions that he can make – but he can’t do that if you don’t give him the opportunity.

ms_london I am so jealous

I agree with everything Lee says - and you really dont want to make yourself ill too, it sounds like you have enough to deal with as it is!!

Jealous? Right now I am stuck behind a desk, its pee-ing it down with rain, and, ummm, well thats all, Australia isnt actually that much different, honest! :rolleyes:

I did get to go to Ramsay Street the other week though like a proper geek!! Highlight of my trip!!

Gottabstrong - I will pop back in tomorrow & see how you're getting on. Now that youve posted on here, dont disappear, everyone is so helpful and supportive!!

gottabstrong

oh thanks so much lee for a mans point of view. i have made myself very ill about all this before, it is sooo stressful.

ms_london, thanks too. i will consider everything and promise i wont disappear. my husband mostly works at night so this is the only time i get a chance to post. i will phone all debt companies as you suggest (at hospital all day today) so will be weds. then at least i will have a clearer picture.

some of the debts i know are incorrect but i havent got the time, gumption or privacy to appeal them!

thanks both of you, cant believe its 5.30am! no sleep tonight! x

ms_london

gottabstrong wrote: »

oh thanks so much lee for a mans point of view. i have made myself very ill about all this before, it is sooo stressful.

ms_london, thanks too. i will consider everything and promise i wont disappear. my husband mostly works at night so this is the only time i get a chance to post. i will phone all debt companies as you suggest (at hospital all day today) so will be weds. then at least i will have a clearer picture.

some of the debts i know are incorrect but i havent got the time, gumption or privacy to appeal them!

thanks both of you, cant believe its 5.30am! no sleep tonight! x

I think you'll probably find that a lot of people have posted on here in the past who are too scared to tell their partners, but cant think of their names of the top of my head. If anyone else can remember them, or is one of them, perhaps gottabstrong - you could read some of their old posts and see how they got on??

I hope the hospital visit is nothing too serious - but if youve got that to deal with too, the creditors can wait another day, your health is more important hun!!!

How are the debts incorrect? Depending on how and why, and if theyll save you a lot of money by questioning them, I would look into it.

No sleep? Sh*t, thats not good. Its 4:18pm here, so almost finished my day at work...

Have a good day. I sent you a PM xx

Leixlip1

Gottabstrong tell him. I hid my debt problems from Mrs Leixlip1 for years and the stress etc nearly ended our marriage. It was painful but we are now stronger and dealing with life together. Your stress levels will drop and you will be clearer about dealing with your problems.
Good luck!