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Back again - more whingeing and moaning. Sorry
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Hootie19
Posts: 1,251 Forumite
Seriously, I don’t know how much longer I can go on. I am crumbling under the stress of this.
I apologise for the length of this post, and applaud you if you get to the end of it!
I have posted before about my husband, his depression, and his inability to deal with his finances at present.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3892059=
and
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3932657=
However, I am just about at rock bottom now, and just don’t know what to do for the best here. I have held off the DMP route as I was *hoping* that he actually would do some of the ringing around that I told him to, and that he promised me he would. He hasn’t. Plus I am feeling a bit boshy about all this now, and don’t see why *I* should have to go on a DMP, when my personal debts are under control and HE is doing nothing to help the situation.
His Barclaycard statement for last month (this month’s hasn’t arrived yet) had a minimum payment of £145.
I have taken over the running of all the finances, so I am “in charge” of making payments. I was unable to pay £145, so only paid them £75. Of course, under data protection rules, I was unable to speak to Barclaycard and let them know. So when this month’s statement is received, it will no doubt have another late payment fee on it and a bigger minimum payment required, which I again won’t be able to make.
I spoke to our mortgage provider myself to ask what help was available. They only wanted to direct me to CCCS but when I pressed them for any help that they were able to offer, they said that they could extend the period of the mortgage until my husband’s 65th birthday and that this would reduce our monthly payment by £133. When my husband purportedly spoke to them last year, the reduction in the payment was going to be in excess of £250 (I can’t just remember now the exact amount he told me) but clearly now that the extension term will be less, as time has passed, reduction will be less.
He *still* hasn’t spoken to his bank to accept their offer of a consolidation loan, and he has not spoken to Barclaycard or Mastercard. He mentioned in passing that he had spoken to the Inland Revenue re the amount we pay toward the tax credits overpayment, but I’ve seen nothing in writing about this and he’s not mentioned it again since.
I took his debit card off him to stop him from spending unnecessarily. Unfortunately I had to have operations on both my feet, and have been unable to get out of the house for two weeks, and therefore had to get my husband to do the shopping. He wasn’t *too* bad, but never stuck to the lists I gave him, buying stuff that we really didn’t need (like toilet rolls that were half price – but my son buys our toilet rolls from work as (a) they are cheap and (b) he gets a 15% discount, so that was an unnecessary expense).
I had been getting him to fill up his car using his debit card, rather than his Smile credit card, as I wanted to get that reduced as much as possible. However, when I checked his statement online, I was absolutely enraged to see that he has bought a Raspberry Pi (http://www.raspberrypi.org/faqs ). He had been raving about these for ages last year. I asked him why he had bought one (thinking it may have been something they would need for work) and he said “because they are cool”. He said that he hadn’t got it yet, just that he had pre-ordered it. I said that the payment had been taken from his credit card, and he said that he ordered it in December, as he didn’t think at the time that “this situation would go on for this long” (bearing in mind that it HAD been going on for six months by that time). I didn’t even have the energy to argue with him. I said that it would have to be returned for a refund, but realistically, I know this will never happen.
So clearly he is still in total denial as to our situation.
I really need to get things in motion now, but I just don’t know how to do it without his input. I know I can’t speak to Barclaycard, Sainsbury Mastercard and Smile bank, but what if I wrote to them, setting out the current position and explaining that I cannot maintain the payments at their present level and telling them that I will only be able to pay £x for the foreseeable future? Are they likely to accept this? I have tried and tried (and cried and cried) to get my husband to speak to them, but I am just getting nowhere. I left last month’s Barclaycard statement on his computer desk (where he spends all his time when he is not at work) and he has said (several times) that he will speak to them, but the statement just keeps being buried under other paperwork. I keep retrieving it and putting it back on the top of the pile, but he’s not taking the hint.
The Sky bill this month was over £75. I just cried when I saw that. I don’t understand why he just can’t get his head around the fact that it is a totally unnecessary expense.
The other thing I have contemplated, which at least would mean that I could do all the dealings and all he would have to do is to sign his name, is to take out a secured loan against the house. I KNOW that under normal circumstances, I would run a mile from these, but if it means that we keep our house and even have a bit of surplus cash each month, then maybe, for the sakes of both our mental health, it is something to be considered.
I have looked online at this, and a 10 year (same term as remains on our mortgage) loan of £25,000 would cover the current debts of £23,950 and would cost £356.32 per month, against our current monthly payments to creditors of £737.17, thereby saving £380.85 per month.
I have been attacking the food shopping bill, and went to FarmFoods at the weekend (where my eldest son works) and loaded a trolley. I got loads of food, and I hope that the £120 I spent (after my son’s 15% discount) will last for at least two, if not three weeks. I also then spent £50 in Tesco on other bits and pieces (doesn’t it mount up quickly!) which should also last a fair while. There is still room for improvement, but until I am fully mobile again, I can do no more than FarmFoods and Tesco (or one of the other big supermarkets).
Sigh – having re-read the above, I don’t really know what kind of response I am looking for. But I think that having input from those not close to home, will be more than useful.
I think this is the first month that I am REALLY going to struggle to get to the end of. An unexpected expense is that although my operation was covered by private medical insurance via my husband’s work, the medication and equipment for afterwards isn’t, so I am faced with an unplanned for payment of approximately £100. I just don’t even know if I can pay it
I apologise for the length of this post, and applaud you if you get to the end of it!
I have posted before about my husband, his depression, and his inability to deal with his finances at present.
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3892059=
and
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3932657=
However, I am just about at rock bottom now, and just don’t know what to do for the best here. I have held off the DMP route as I was *hoping* that he actually would do some of the ringing around that I told him to, and that he promised me he would. He hasn’t. Plus I am feeling a bit boshy about all this now, and don’t see why *I* should have to go on a DMP, when my personal debts are under control and HE is doing nothing to help the situation.
His Barclaycard statement for last month (this month’s hasn’t arrived yet) had a minimum payment of £145.
I have taken over the running of all the finances, so I am “in charge” of making payments. I was unable to pay £145, so only paid them £75. Of course, under data protection rules, I was unable to speak to Barclaycard and let them know. So when this month’s statement is received, it will no doubt have another late payment fee on it and a bigger minimum payment required, which I again won’t be able to make.
I spoke to our mortgage provider myself to ask what help was available. They only wanted to direct me to CCCS but when I pressed them for any help that they were able to offer, they said that they could extend the period of the mortgage until my husband’s 65th birthday and that this would reduce our monthly payment by £133. When my husband purportedly spoke to them last year, the reduction in the payment was going to be in excess of £250 (I can’t just remember now the exact amount he told me) but clearly now that the extension term will be less, as time has passed, reduction will be less.
He *still* hasn’t spoken to his bank to accept their offer of a consolidation loan, and he has not spoken to Barclaycard or Mastercard. He mentioned in passing that he had spoken to the Inland Revenue re the amount we pay toward the tax credits overpayment, but I’ve seen nothing in writing about this and he’s not mentioned it again since.
I took his debit card off him to stop him from spending unnecessarily. Unfortunately I had to have operations on both my feet, and have been unable to get out of the house for two weeks, and therefore had to get my husband to do the shopping. He wasn’t *too* bad, but never stuck to the lists I gave him, buying stuff that we really didn’t need (like toilet rolls that were half price – but my son buys our toilet rolls from work as (a) they are cheap and (b) he gets a 15% discount, so that was an unnecessary expense).
I had been getting him to fill up his car using his debit card, rather than his Smile credit card, as I wanted to get that reduced as much as possible. However, when I checked his statement online, I was absolutely enraged to see that he has bought a Raspberry Pi (http://www.raspberrypi.org/faqs ). He had been raving about these for ages last year. I asked him why he had bought one (thinking it may have been something they would need for work) and he said “because they are cool”. He said that he hadn’t got it yet, just that he had pre-ordered it. I said that the payment had been taken from his credit card, and he said that he ordered it in December, as he didn’t think at the time that “this situation would go on for this long” (bearing in mind that it HAD been going on for six months by that time). I didn’t even have the energy to argue with him. I said that it would have to be returned for a refund, but realistically, I know this will never happen.
So clearly he is still in total denial as to our situation.
I really need to get things in motion now, but I just don’t know how to do it without his input. I know I can’t speak to Barclaycard, Sainsbury Mastercard and Smile bank, but what if I wrote to them, setting out the current position and explaining that I cannot maintain the payments at their present level and telling them that I will only be able to pay £x for the foreseeable future? Are they likely to accept this? I have tried and tried (and cried and cried) to get my husband to speak to them, but I am just getting nowhere. I left last month’s Barclaycard statement on his computer desk (where he spends all his time when he is not at work) and he has said (several times) that he will speak to them, but the statement just keeps being buried under other paperwork. I keep retrieving it and putting it back on the top of the pile, but he’s not taking the hint.
The Sky bill this month was over £75. I just cried when I saw that. I don’t understand why he just can’t get his head around the fact that it is a totally unnecessary expense.
The other thing I have contemplated, which at least would mean that I could do all the dealings and all he would have to do is to sign his name, is to take out a secured loan against the house. I KNOW that under normal circumstances, I would run a mile from these, but if it means that we keep our house and even have a bit of surplus cash each month, then maybe, for the sakes of both our mental health, it is something to be considered.
I have looked online at this, and a 10 year (same term as remains on our mortgage) loan of £25,000 would cover the current debts of £23,950 and would cost £356.32 per month, against our current monthly payments to creditors of £737.17, thereby saving £380.85 per month.
I have been attacking the food shopping bill, and went to FarmFoods at the weekend (where my eldest son works) and loaded a trolley. I got loads of food, and I hope that the £120 I spent (after my son’s 15% discount) will last for at least two, if not three weeks. I also then spent £50 in Tesco on other bits and pieces (doesn’t it mount up quickly!) which should also last a fair while. There is still room for improvement, but until I am fully mobile again, I can do no more than FarmFoods and Tesco (or one of the other big supermarkets).
Sigh – having re-read the above, I don’t really know what kind of response I am looking for. But I think that having input from those not close to home, will be more than useful.
I think this is the first month that I am REALLY going to struggle to get to the end of. An unexpected expense is that although my operation was covered by private medical insurance via my husband’s work, the medication and equipment for afterwards isn’t, so I am faced with an unplanned for payment of approximately £100. I just don’t even know if I can pay it
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Comments
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Hi there, lots of people here will be able to give advice. I've only recently talked to my dh about our financial situation having dealt with it alone. Luckily he's on board and we're sorting things out. Until then I hadn't worked out how hard it is to sort out a joint financial problem alone. Somebody on here will give you some proper advice I'm sure. An soa to start with. Good luckCurrent a/c OD-£2,300-now costing £30 pm :eek:Single a/c OD-£550 - now also costing £30 pm Barclaycard 0%-£2853.30 Barclaycard 6.9%-£3487
Halifax-19.8% - £274.34 Santander-16.9%-£106.05 Halifax Loan-6.9%-£160.11-finishes May 2015 :)Tesco Loan-7.9%-£264.80-finishes Dec 2014:) Total Debt as at 29.5.12- £20,244. :eek:0 -
I can understand your thinking on taking the secured loan route, however can make sure that the debts won't start piling up again? As your husband is not accepting any responsibility for the finances and is still spending money you don't have will he be sensible once you have paid off the cards etc.?
You don't have to go on a DMP he could go it alone. What would happen if you stopped trying to get him to deal with his debts? Eventually his creditors would stop the credit and it would be his problem not yours, although I appreciate his mental health may not make this possible.
Could your medication and equipment be provided via your GP on the NHS?DMP Mutual Support Thread No. 421
Debt free date 25/11/2015 - Made It!0 -
Hi I don't know if it's been mentioned before but as long as your Husband gives his authority you will be able to deal with his debts on his behalf and speak to the companies directly. I understand it may be hard to get him to speak to them on the phone, but this would be the quickest way as he would just have to complete security and give verbal agreement to hand the phone to you. If this is beyond him at the moment then you can write a letter detailing the same and ask him to sign it. It will delay the process but you will achieve the same result eventually.
I suggest this as this is what we did when my husband had an accident and was in hospital for 9 weeks. We suddenly went down to ssp only and when I explaines all this *most* creditors were happy to come to arrangements on what we had to pay.
Hope this helps XxDebts @ LBM £23,729.31. Debts @ 08/04/2016 £0 :j
Best win so far - holiday to Florida0 -
I'm with Grownurown on this one. If your OH hasn't had his lightbulb moment I'm not sure piling the debt into a consolidated loan will help. Also will the loan be in joint names? If the debt is in your husband's name only then if he starts a dmp it won't affect you.
I can certainly appreciate you are in a difficult and stressful position at the moment. Perhaps the best thing to do is deal with your joint debts / mortgage and your own credit cards and try to persuade your OH to contact CCCS.
I think someone posted in this forum a few days back about another debt free charity that helps people with mental health issues. Maybe contact CCCS anyway to get some further advice?
I really do wish you all the best and hope it will get better for you soon.
Take care of yourself.0 -
If you take out a secured loan against the house, all you're going to do is move the current debt to make it more affordable whilst he carries on racking up new debt. Obviously I know nothing about your relationship so please don't be offended, but why are you still with him? Does he make you happy? Would you be better off emotionally and financially on your own?
If you're in it for the long haul, posting your SOA would be a great start. Good luck!Make £2020 in 2020 £178.81/£2020
SPC 13 #51
Feb Grocery Challenge £4.68/£2000 -
I'm really sorry if this comes across as unhelpful, it's not meant to be but your husband is still being a bit economical with the truth. Raspberry Pi went on sale at 6am on 29 Feb 2012, there were 10,000 units that sold out in the first few minutes (there are only 2 UK distributors, they had 5,000 each). For those who weren't successful in securing one of the 10,000 they could then register an interest and were put in a queue. When you reached the front of the queue you got an invitation to buy one, my OH was one of those and he only got his this week (he ordered one from both companies and they came 2 days apart). It simply wasn't possible to organise to buy one in December. Just out of interest how much did he pay?0
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I can understand your thinking on taking the secured loan route, however can make sure that the debts won't start piling up again? As your husband is not accepting any responsibility for the finances and is still spending money you don't have will he be sensible once you have paid off the cards etc.?
You don't have to go on a DMP he could go it alone. What would happen if you stopped trying to get him to deal with his debts? Eventually his creditors would stop the credit and it would be his problem not yours, although I appreciate his mental health may not make this possible.
Could your medication and equipment be provided via your GP on the NHS?
Thank you. I really don't know about ensuring debts won't pile up. I can remove all his cards and just give him "pocket money", much as I hate the idea of treating an adult like a small child. But if he's going to behave like a child . . . .
I would like to think that if I can show him that we have a little bit of savings again (all our savings have gone on keeping heads above water over the past year), then when his head is in a better place, he can see that he can still have things - just that he has to save up and wait for them.
As to the medical stuff. Unfortunately no. I had a DVT last year and although the treatment for that (warfarin) has finished, I am supposed to wear an elastic stocking. Obviously with the huge bandages around my feet, I was unable to wear the stocking, so I had to have 2 week's worth of injections into my stomach (yuk). I also need splints on both feet, as well as being provided with crutches. It was only yesterday, when I went back to the hopital to have a follow up appointment with the consultant, that I found out that these things were not covered by the medical insurance. The course of injections are now finished, and I left hospital with the splints. So unfortunately, it's my own fault for not reading the fine print before going in for the procedure.0 -
please-let-me-be-lucky wrote: »Hi I don't know if it's been mentioned before but as long as your Husband gives his authority you will be able to deal with his debts on his behalf and speak to the companies directly. I understand it may be hard to get him to speak to them on the phone, but this would be the quickest way as he would just have to complete security and give verbal agreement to hand the phone to you. If this is beyond him at the moment then you can write a letter detailing the same and ask him to sign it. It will delay the process but you will achieve the same result eventually.
I suggest this as this is what we did when my husband had an accident and was in hospital for 9 weeks. We suddenly went down to ssp only and when I explaines all this *most* creditors were happy to come to arrangements on what we had to pay.
Hope this helps Xx
Thank you.
I did say to him some time ago, that if he called the companies and told them that he was authorising me to speak to them on his behalf, then I could deal with it all. At that time, he was all over the place and his response was "I can't speak to these people". I didn't push it any further, as I was concerned for his mental health (I still am).
I will get some letters prepared tonight and see if he will sign them tomorrow.
Hopefully they will be understanding and will be able to do something to ease the situation. Unfortunately, I don't know if my husband will ever get back onto the on call rota at work, so can't offer them an end to the reduced payments.0 -
I'm with Grownurown on this one. If your OH hasn't had his lightbulb moment I'm not sure piling the debt into a consolidated loan will help. Also will the loan be in joint names? If the debt is in your husband's name only then if he starts a dmp it won't affect you.
I can certainly appreciate you are in a difficult and stressful position at the moment. Perhaps the best thing to do is deal with your joint debts / mortgage and your own credit cards and try to persuade your OH to contact CCCS.
I think someone posted in this forum a few days back about another debt free charity that helps people with mental health issues. Maybe contact CCCS anyway to get some further advice?
I really do wish you all the best and hope it will get better for you soon.
Take care of yourself.
Thank you.
Yes, a secured loan would be in joint names, as (a) the mortgage is joint and (b) I don't earn enough to take it on myself
The problem I have, of course, with a DMP, is actually getting him to actually speak with someone there, or even do look at it online. He really doesn't want to, or isn't able to, read anything, either online or on paper.
But I will try.If you take out a secured loan against the house, all you're going to do is move the current debt to make it more affordable whilst he carries on racking up new debt. Obviously I know nothing about your relationship so please don't be offended, but why are you still with him? Does he make you happy? Would you be better off emotionally and financially on your own?
If you're in it for the long haul, posting your SOA would be a great start. Good luck!
I accept what you say about just moving the debt. But I was just thinking that this is an "easy" way to get beyond the current position. Obviously, I know that a secured loan is not an ideal solution, but as I said above, it does mean that all I have to battle with is getting him to sign on the dotted line. I am fairly sure that this will not be a problem, as it means that he hasn't had to deal with "these people" himself and he will see it as the least problematic solution (to him)0 -
Thank you. I really don't know about ensuring debts won't pile up. I can remove all his cards and just give him "pocket money", much as I hate the idea of treating an adult like a small child. But if he's going to behave like a child . . . .
I would like to think that if I can show him that we have a little bit of savings again (all our savings have gone on keeping heads above water over the past year), then when his head is in a better place, he can see that he can still have things - just that he has to save up and wait for them.
I think that from what you have said about his behaviour you don't really have much choice but to remove his credit cards from him unless you are willing to withdraw all your help and let him hit rock bottom. Sometimes this is the only way to get someone to see the real problem. However the issue with his mental health is something to consider here, would he cope if you let him hit rock bottom? If not then you are going to have to micro manage him and all your finances which is a considerable burden on you. In this case it would be a good idea to do as one poster suggested which is to get your husband to contact the creditors to give authority for you to act on his behalf.DMP Mutual Support Thread No. 421
Debt free date 25/11/2015 - Made It!0
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