When to tell the children you are splitting up

74jax

And friend told her two children before anything was final. The kids spoke to me and said they couldn't understand how they were both 'together' ie sleeping in same bed, acting same round each other. They said because of this they thought they would get back together.

My friend says he wishes he said said this is happening and so I'm moving to out etc... It was very sad to see them with hope when there wasn't any.

Valli

if you could possibly tell them together (though that depends on your situation of course) and then you can both reassure you that you both love them still.
Also they may jump to conclusions - be prepared for 'odd' responses - (ie Hurray TWO lots of Christmas presents...)

mintymoneysaver

Having recently gone through this I can only give you my advice. We sorted everything out before we told the children ( 18 and 15) my ex found himself a flat, we had many very late night conversations sorting it so they wouldn't realise. I told a close friend before it happened, and then a friend in work so she could be there for me. We told our parents and siblings from Friday to Monday, and then told the girls on the Tuesday.
I won't deny that it was the worst day of my life, but my husband led the conversation with me chipping in. It went very much as you have suggested, but ( and I will be forever grateful to him for this) my husband also told them that even though we were living in seperate houses we were still, and always would be, a family. They were very sad, but they never tried to persuade us, and I have to say that ever since ( 8 weeks ago) it has almost not bothered them at all. We are fortunate in that it is amicable ( I was fed up being unhappy, due to various reasons and he wasn't prepared for me to carry on being unhappy) and also he had very much done his own thing for quite some time anyway, so in many respects their life hasn't changed that much. I had thought the 15 year old would be much more affected, but she's been fantastic.
If you would like to PM me, please feel free.

ladymarmalade

As a 24 year old who has recently had the same thing happen with her parents, I would say the following:

Definately tell them together...I found it useful having my lil bro with me

Don't tell them if they have something major going on that week such as exams at school....I know you want to get it off your chest but think about the effect it might have on whatever is going on with their own lives....my parents told me at 7pm on the Sunday evening before one off the busiest/most stressful week of my entire life and I wish they had waited just a few day.

Hope that helps, and good luck.

mintymoneysaver

Valli wrote: »

Also they may jump to conclusions - be prepared for 'odd' responses - (ie Hurray TWO lots of Christmas presents...)

Very true! We said "We will do anything we can to make this as easy as possible for you" and the eldest said, "Can I have a dog then?" with a joking smile on her face, and th youngest said two things " What about R and D?" ( my neice and nephew who are only little) and "Can we still go to ****?" An event we go to every year with friends of ours! We are friendly enough still to be able to say yes to that one...

mintymoneysaver

ladymarmalade wrote: »

Don't tell them if they have something major going on that week such as exams at school....I know you want to get it off your chest but think about the effect it might have on whatever is going on with their own lives....my parents told me at 7pm on the Sunday evening before one off the busiest/most stressful week of my entire life and I wish they had waited just a few day.

Hope that helps, and good luck.

Also true. We deliberately planned a time to tell ours, long enough before my daughter's exams so that they would have time to adjust ( although that would seem to have been us worrying too much) but also just before their holidays from school so they had two days in school ( although I know the 18 year old didn't go that day, she went to her boyfriend's instead!) where they had normality and friends who looked after them ( my youngest had a fab day being invited to tea at her friend's nans and being thoroughly fussed over) and then two weeks at home to just relax and get used to a new way of life. That helped me too I think.


Forgot to say (and sorry if I'm going on, I just feel like it might help) we told them Tuesday, he stayed till Friday. He moved his stuff out on Thursday and Friday during the day while the girls were out.On the Friday night my youngest was going away for the weekend with her nan anyway, and my eldest had her boyfriend over so that was the first night he moved out. But then on Sunday when DD2 was home he came back for his tea so she knew he would be here when she got back. I'm not saying we did it perfectly, but it all seems to have worked well so far.

Maureen43

Just to update you all.

We told the children on Saturday morning. The first ten minutes were awful - our eleven year old was very upset - but we managed to say everything we wanted to say.

They seem ok at the moment but my radar is finely tuned for any signs of upset. We've had a lot of questions, mainly from our 13 year old, some of which have been difficult to answer.

We've warned school, parents of friends etc.

A big thank you for all your advice and kind words.