When to tell the children you are splitting up

Maureen43

Dh and I are splitting up. I am not sure when to tell our children (13 and 11). Should we tell them soon, or wait a while till we have some certainties to tell them i.e. who is moving out and when where they will be living etc.

I would be grateful for your opinions.

thegirlintheattic

If you have been fighting in front of them or there is an atmosphere tell them now - it will be a relief.

If not, tell them when you've sorted the details.

VfM4meplse

Sorry to hear about your situation (((hugs))).

Children are more perceptive than you might think. Are they aware that of the rift between you? I would suggest being as honest as possible, as soon as you are clear about your plans - this is not a negotiation that needs to be informed by them, although they must come at the top of your considerations, so will need to know that they are in no way at fault. All you have to say is that you need a break from each other and it's just one of those things that happens. No-one likes being deceived, however young, and being straight will preserve your relationship with them.

Good luck x

whitewing

It depends who else you are telling. If there is any chance that they will find out elsewhere by accident or design, then the sooner the better. Remember that family members may well get emotional and indiscreet, and if you have friends that you tell who have children, the children may overhear adult conversations.

Otherwise, I'd tell them together when the main practicalities are sorted.

marisco_2

Children are incredibly perceptive and I would recommend that they are told by both of you as soon as possible. It is better that they are given this news rather than guess that it may be on the cards and worry themselves silly about it. I have been in this situation from both sides, as a child when my parents divorced and as a parent having to break the news to my kids.

They may get very upset or go into almost a state of shock. We all deal with bad news differently. It wont be easy but I would recommend letting the children lead the discussion once they have been given the news. They may only be able to take in so much at a time. Letting them know that whatever happens they still have both of you there for them will ease them through this difficult time.

Gingham_R

It depends on the situation, how things have been previously and who else knows.

Just a word of warning, if there is any chance of reconciliation, hang fire on telling them just a little longer. I had a distraught 13 year old come to my class unable to speak through her tears one day. Eventually she told me her parents told her they were splitting up the night before. The next day (!) they told her they had changed their minds.

I hope things go smoothly for you all. Good luck to you.

thegirlintheattic

Gingham brings up a good point. Let the school know when you tell them - some kids can get really upset or act out after being told and if the school knows they ( the school ) can deal with it better.

Lunar_Eclipse

I'm another that thinks it depends on a number of factors which have been covered above. The shock reaction struck a chord with me since I did go into shock (shaking & feeling sick) when DH's parents told us they were separating as an adult. Maybe children are more resilient though.

I also wanted to add that many children have end of year tests at school in the near future (ours are this week). Your 13 year old might be doing his key stage 3 assessments, the results of which could be important for GCSE options, so I would be mindful of this in the timing of such news.

Maureen43

Thanks for all the replies.

At the moment only one person knows about the split outside me and dh - my very dear friend.

I will probably tell my mum, dad and brother soon, but nobody else till the children know.

Now..next question - what do we say? I have read extensively online about this and this is what I think:
Daddy and I are going to live apart as we think we will be happier
You will live with Mummy, hopefully still in this town so you can still go to your school and see your friends.
Daddy will live somewhere else close by but you will still see him very often and you can ring him whenever you want.
It isn't your fault.
We both still love you very much (God, I cry just to type that line)

And then leave it open to questions. What do you think? Anything I have missed out? Anything which should be phrased differently? I so want to get this as right as is possible......

Maureen43

Is it bad to cry when you are telling them? Silly question maybe but is it a bad thing? I don't think I could hold it together at the moment.

beautiful_ravens

xx I personally would try not to cry - Ive seen how that can make them take sides as they feel sorry for the one crying. Mind you, your kids are a little older...Id still try to maintain a strong calm composure. I think what youre going to say is pretty spot on.