A very strange question about paying for funerals.

swingaloo

Im posting on behalf of a friend who has a really strange dilemma.

Like me, she lives with a partner who is not a similar age to herself. However in her case the man is 18 years older than her.

She has been with this man for 17 years and they are no longer what you would class as a couple in terms of a relationship although they used to be. They share a house which is rented but have stayed together for convenience and she has been happy with the situation as it has benefitted them both rent sharing and although they are no longer lovers it has suited them both to lead thier own lives still under the same roof.

His health is very poor and yesterday the doctors have told him that he is very unlikely to have long left
She cares for him but does not love him, he has gambled away a lot of money and he has a lot of debt. As they are not married she is not worried about that, but, now she is worried about what will happen if he dies. He has a daughter who is in her
teens and is his only living relative.

My friend is not well off and has put a little money aside (less than 2000) for a rainy day and emergencies.
Horrible as it sounds- she does not want to have to use this money for his funeral. In the past she has lent him money which has never been repaid and although she cares for him she does not want to use her life savings for a funeral.

But, on the other hand she wont be able to ring his daughter who is technically next of kin and expect her to arrange a funeral. She lives over 300 miles away and only sees him once in a blue moon anyway When he gets hospitalised, as they have said may happen, my friend wont be next of kin anyway so wont have any authorisation.

So what will happen when he dies? as she has lived with him for so long will she be expected to fund the costs.

I know it sounds horrid to be thinking this way but she is really worried. Its for this reason (the next of kin bit) that me and my long term partner have decided to marry .

alleycat`

You can arrange a cremation and scattering of the ashes from anywhere (just about).

His estate is responsible for paying for the funeral and, if he doesn't have a will, he should be looking to put his affairs in order.

fluffnutter

They're not married, she's not responsible for him financially. If he dies and there's no money in the estate to pay for the funeral costs, then the local council will have to pick up the tab.

Bear in mind, that if she arranges the funeral herself she'll be liable for the costs. It's just that she can't be forced to arrange the funeral. If she wants to safeguard her own savings (and who can blame her in the circumstances) then she'll need to have a thick skin and steer clear of any funeral arrangements. Easier said than done because I expect the daughter and other family/friends will expect her to, tbh.

As he knows he's unwell, he really ought to be putting his affairs in order. Can your friend encourage him to do this?

As an aside, can she afford the rent herself if he dies? Whilst they're not married, they'll clearly a little dependent on each other because they share a house. She needs to be clear about what she can afford once she's on her own.

swingaloo

I know he dosnt have a will and she has spoken to him about it but his reply is always- I have nothing to leave so no need for a will,
She says he does live wek to week moneywise so believes what he says is true.

fluffnutter

swingaloo wrote: »

I know he dosnt have a will and she has spoken to him about it but his reply is always- I have nothing to leave so no need for a will,
She says he does live wek to week moneywise so believes what he says is true.

Hmm, a common misconception. It's not simply about naming beneficiaries, you need someone to sort things out when you die. A will allows you to nominate an executor. If people die intestate it leaves an administrative nightmare behind them, and someone has to pick up the pieces. It's a bit selfish, tbh.

What does he expect to happen regarding his funeral? Has he said anything or does he expect the magic funeral fairy to pay?

swingaloo

She will move to be with her daughter after he is gone so is not worried about the rent. She has stayed with him out of loyalty and friendship really but I take the point aboutothers thinking she should arrange the funeral.
This is something I have talked about with her as they have a few mutual friends who think of them still as a couple and she is worried about how they will think of her.

fluffnutter

swingaloo wrote: »

She will move to be with her daughter after he is gone so is not worried about the rent. She has stayed with him out of loyalty and friendship really but I take the point aboutothers thinking she should arrange the funeral.
This is something I have talked about with her as they have a few mutual friends who think of them still as a couple and she is worried about how they will think of her.

I'm not surprised she's a little concerned. I don't see how she can avoid being expected to arrange his funeral and even wind up his estate and arrange probate etc. If they were together it would be most likely that she'd be the one to do this.

If she doesn't and people don't appreciate the situation, she's going to come under some scrutiny. Unfairly so, IMO, particularly with regard paying for the funeral. I hope she's got a thick skin

londonsurrey

I agree with FluffNutter about the thick skin. Society can be quick to point the finger as to who they want to sort things out, so they can come to a nicely arranged event, without dealing with the emotional or financial repercussions before and after.

If she wants to stand by her decision(which I totally agree with), then she should probably develop a "script"/standard answer to deliver to the inevitable queries. e.g. "It's all going to his daughter, she's his next of kin".

And then stand firm.

Mojisola

londonsurrey wrote: »

I agree with FluffNutter about the thick skin. Society can be quick to point the finger as to who they want to sort things out, so they can come to a nicely arranged event, without dealing with the emotional or financial repercussions before and after.

If she wants to stand by her decision(which I totally agree with), then she should probably develop a "script"/standard answer to deliver to the inevitable queries. e.g. "It's all going to his daughter, she's his next of kin".

And then stand firm.

I would add to this "And as we weren't married, I don't have any say over what happens. His blood relations have to arrange everything."

As his daughter is so young and not earning, won't she be able to claim funeral payment - https://www.dwp.gov.uk/publications/specialist-guides/technical-guidance/sb16-a-guide-to-the-social/funeral-payments/

If your friend is on any of the relevant benefits, she could claim and that would solve the problem of people's expectations.

NAR

swingaloo wrote: »

His health is very poor and yesterday the doctors have told him that he is very unlikely to have long left.

Tell your friend to bluntly ask him has he made funeral arrangements. If the answer is no then she should use her exit strategy of moving in with daughter asap and, cruel as it may sound, let him "get on with it" without her.
If he has been so irresponsible for so long with his money why should she be left to pick up the pieces.

wanchai_2

swingaloo wrote: »

She will move to be with her daughter after he is gone so is not worried about the rent. She has stayed with him out of loyalty and friendship really but I take the point aboutothers thinking she should arrange the funeral.
This is something I have talked about with her as they have a few mutual friends who think of them still as a couple and she is worried about how they will think of her.

Honestly, I think that she should move in with her daughter now. Sorry if that seems harsh.