Contacting birth mother

InsideInsurance

I have "always" known I was adopted from birth, or at least cannot remember any time that I didnt know.

As a child I was never that interested until I was about 14 when my grandmother had had a little too much christmas sherry and whilst in her flat she said something like "I remember when your birth mother sat just where you are sitting now".

My mother (adoptive) whilst open about the adoption was also evidently very sensitive about it. She couldn't have kids and my father had two kids from a previous marriage who by this time were late teens. I therefore never really queried it though my curiosity was peaked by the comment.

My father (adoptive) died when I was in my early teens and my mother became an extreme version of herself after that. Due to her behaviour I now have nothing else to do with her and havent spoken to her for 3 years now.

I have never had the greatest amount of contact with my extended family after leaving home (or before to be honest). Since the final disintegration of the relationship with my mother I have seen even less of them. However a year ago or so I did make the effort and went down to see one of my aunts (adoptive mothers sister).

During the conversation things came up including about my Grandmothers comment to which my aunt was said she was surprised since my birth mother and father were both school friends of her daughter (ie my cousin) - my cousin is 16 years older than me so presumably my biological parents were about the same age.

It was commented that they werent together, that my cousin does still see my birth mother at school reunions etc and she has given her photos of me etc.

My family is obviously in a slightly difficult situation with dealing with two waring family members. Most are fairly politically correct saying my mother (adoptive) is a nightmare to deal with but "she is your mother". My cousin does echo it a little but also says she hasn't spoken to my mother in 15 years because of a prior falling out between my mother and her mother over my grandmothers ashes.

So, I have done some digging and managed to get my original birth certificate that names my mother. Not too common a name and I strongly suspect I have tracked her down.

I am curious about her and my father and their backgrounds. I have an unusual birth defect (for want of a better word) and given I want to be starting a family soon I am curious if this is a family trait or if I am unique with it etc

What I am not sure about is the best way to approach it. Do I go direct, do I use something like Norcap (but they seem expensive given I dont need the trace service), do I ask my cousin to make the approach? If it is the later how to approach it with her? Feels ackward that I dont see her for 14 years, see her once and then ask her to do "my dirty work".

Any opinions would be appreciated

daska

I would ask your cousin - what's the worst she can say? No? At which point I would move on to using an independent intermediary. Having had to support a friend who was located and approached via facebook I've seen just how traumatic it can be for the mum. I'm not suggesting you would intentionally upset her but a little bit of a buffer can be useful while you both adjust to how the other responds.

InsideInsurance

Which to be honest is why I am considering it would be best to use an independent intermediary in the first place as clearly they are skilled at dealing with these sorts of things where as my cousin may be a little too blunt and/or try and push my birth mother because they have my interests as primary.

lavidaloca

I would ask your cousin. She has already given your BM photos of you so, obviously, must talk about you. Good luck.

pinkclouds

InsideInsurance wrote: »

I am curious about her and my father and their backgrounds. I have an unusual birth defect (for want of a better word) and given I want to be starting a family soon I am curious if this is a family trait or if I am unique with it etc

If you have a genuine medical need, then that is a reasonable approach to take when speaking to anyone about it. I'd suggest you speak to both your aunt and your cousin, as the people who gave you up for adoption are known to them. For your sake (as a close family member), I'd think they'd be willing to help you get the medical information you require.

However, despite your "curiosity", I'd point out that these people know your relatives, know who you are and what you look like, are aware of your circumstances and have not attempted to assuage any further "curiosity" on their part. I agree with the rest of your family. Your mother is your mother, however difficult she may be. These other people are not your family - they are your cousin's schoolmates. Be careful not to put anyone in a position where people may be pushed to speak and act in unequivocal terms.

I would also suggest that this is a good opportunity to forge closer links with your actual family. They are not to blame for your mother's personality or behaviour. Don't let another 14 years go by.

babymoo

I can't really offer you any advice but I wanted to wish you well and just make sure you have seen the other thread that is on the same subject, it may help you to give it a read, it may not, but it may help you to know someone is going through the same and perhaps even messaging the op might help you? https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3871947

I apologise if this is out of turn, pm me and I will remove again straight away. Good luck x

farmerswife75

Hi,
I'd speak to your cousin first if i were you. I'm in the middle of a similar situation myself at the moment, i set out looking for my birth mother but she doesn't want to know me at all, but i have made contact with my full sister which is great as i'm an only child! It's a bit like walking on egg shells though as my sister doesn't have any contact with my birth mother so i feel like i can't ask any questions about her in case i upset her! Families!!!

Hope it all works out, pm me if you want any help!

Jx

InsideInsurance

babymoo wrote: »

I can't really offer you any advice but I wanted to wish you well and just make sure you have seen the other thread that is on the same subject

Many thanks, I did read a fair proportion of it before posting (have gone on to read the remainder since which).

I did see there are a fair amount of differences in that their BM is 80, widow, no kids and no links to them where as mine is 49, never married and appears to have 2 other kids about 5 years younger than me (potentially had others too) and there is a potential route in via cousin.

Hence posting a separate thread rather than tagging on to the other.

InsideInsurance

pinkclouds wrote: »

If you have a genuine medical need

It is not a medical need, it is more of a curiosity that I have this "defect" and if I am to go on having my own kids is there a likelihood of them inheriting it (ie its genetic/ family history) or am I just a one off.

My cousin is certainly totally unaware of my condition and I strongly suspect that my Aunt is as well. My adoptive mother was always one for keeping up appearances and to the best of my knowledge only her other sister was made aware of it.

I did speak to my adoptive father's family, whom I have also remade some contact with after they were pushed away by my adoptive mother but they knew nothing of my adoption (other than it happened).


A little bit of thinking out loud here but I am thinking my adoptive half brother possibly may know something as he was friends with my cousin when they were young. I only met him once before my fathers funeral and my mother introduced him as a cousin but at the funeral itself another relative told me he was my half brother (It was just before my 14th birthday) - have never met my adoptive half sister.

Only made contact with him about a year ago and so far exchanged a couple of emails and met in person twice. Was ok, he is spitting image of my father but once conversation went away from "what happened" between him and our father and why contact was lost etc things were a bit dry.