Another Lost Person Searching for Answers

wellington_boot

.......................

DVardysShadow

Have you found your answer? Or have you given up?

wellington_boot

Sorry. I got scared.

I am so lost, I feel as though my life is about to implode and I cannot for the life of me work out what to do, where to go.

It might help to give a bit of background. Married 16 years. 2 children. 1 from previous relationship, one with husband. Husband and 'my' daughter do not get on. He can be very mean and spiteful - towards her and towards me (and the cat!). He has never been violent towards DDs, but he has been aggressive and once violent towards me. He can be temporarily nasty towards DD2 but tends to be rare. Before, I always thought there was a frisson of love there - but now I think it's just scaredness on my part of being lonely / losing everything. I don't love him, I don't even like him.

I don't have any family and I have not shared this with any friends.

I have been in the same job for 10+ years and I am slowly being shoved out of the door, with roles being changed, work reallocated etc. I won't be made redundant or anything like that - but disconcerting at this particular time. Annual salary is £50k.

I have circa. £100k debt, mortgage etc. and obviously two children (one school, one uni) to support. Due to debt I have virtually negligible remaining 'spare' income each month.

Husband will not leave family home.

Please someone help point me in the right direction. Is this what my forever looks like or is there an alternative?

Nat1977

From someone else who is lost at the moment, sending (((((((Hugs)))))))
Sorry, no advice, but try to keep your chin up. We can get through tis some how xxx

Scorpio33

Firstly, I would try and work out exactly what it is that bothers you with your current life, and what you want to change (Even if you don't think that its possible to change it). That should at least give you some sort of direction and something to focus on.

By the sounds of you have issues with your husband behaviours. One question I would have is - has he always been this way or has it changed suddenly? If his behaviour has always been like that my question would be - you accepted this behavoiour before, so why has this changed for you now? In this case you need to look at what has changed for you and what impacy this has had on your relationship. Then you need to talk to him about it.

If however, his behaviour has only changed suddenly, then you need to try and work out (with him) why that was. It may be something which he needs help with - and is hoping you talk to him about it. Either way you need to talk to him honestly.

In terms of your job; yes money is tight, and you can't do anything (realisically) to stop your job being made redundant if that is what it comes to. But if it does come to that - remember it is your role that has been made redundant and not you. Your skill set is still there and there are other roles out there suitable for you. In the mean time, try and protect yourself as much as possible if the worse does happen; try and rearrange your finances to get some savings put aside. Maybe negotiate some of the debts so you are paying them off for longer so the monthly repayments are lower. They are more likely to do this when you are employed than if you are unemployed.

I would also start evaluating yourself and your approach to relationships. If this is your second marriage, you want to take a look at what went wrong in the first marriage to ensure that the same mistakes are not madea again. Before criticising anyone else, look at yourself, what other people percieve of you and your actions. It is easy to blame others, but when history repeats iteself (which I am sure it won't), there is only one person to blame. You can't change what other people do, you can only control your own actions.

Other than that, I would say that you probably need some direction in your life. Think about what you like to do currently. Then think how you can take this and expand it, so your whole life is about things you enjoy. The only way to know if you enjoy something truley is to try it - so it is time to get out of your comfort zone and try some new things.



Good luck.

Mojisola

wellington_boot wrote: »

He can be very mean and spiteful - towards her and towards me (and the cat!). He has never been violent towards DDs, but he has been aggressive and once violent towards me. He can be temporarily nasty towards DD2 but tends to be rare.

I don't love him, I don't even like him.

Husband will not leave family home.

Please someone help point me in the right direction. Is this what my forever looks like or is there an alternative?

Start by reading through this sticky - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/1276963

Don't be afraid to contact a support line to talk things through. If you have been putting up with bad behaviour from him for a while, your assessment of how things are may be skewed because otherwise unacceptable things can become normal. Talking things through with an advisor will be useful.

If he is violent or aggressive again, take action. Don't accept it.

HeatherintheHills

Firstly (((BIG HUGS)))

Your pain really shows in your post. I really feel for you, lost is the word. I was somewhere similar once but I'm in a much happier place now. You can make it happen too.

Re the debt, yours and his? I'm guessing that the mortgage is a substantial part of it? Have you tried posting a statement of account on the debt free board? The clever and experienced people on there are so good at finding ways to save money and reduce debt.

Is your youngest child a teenager? If so it will only be a few years before you and hubby are on your own. The house can be sold or he buys you out and you can use your share of the equity to start a new life for yourself. This is the long term plan, something to look forward to, to help you through the dark times. Plan where you might like to live, how much you will need to buy a little place, and start putting aside the pennies and pounds towards that happening.

Short term plan. Have you talked to your OH and told him how unhappy you are? Do you know why he is so nasty sometimes? Does your DD talk to you about it?

What does OH contribute towards the household? Finance, working around the house? Pull him up on all shortcomings. He doesn't get to be nasty at all, but if he won't change his ideas at least he makes a full contribution towards the household. You don't say so but is his attitude one of "what is his is his and what is yours is also his"?

Work. Hang on in there. Don't let them push you out. As long as you don't resign they have to keep paying you or make you redundant and pay you at least the minimum. Take the pay for as long as you can and make the money really work for you. Look for other jobs of course, but don't let your current employers push you out without making them pay.

MissMonkeyMoo

hey there, I really feel for you, I can see from your post that you are feeling overwhelmed by things and there is clearly a lot for you to sort out. My own approach to most things now is to try and simplify it as much as possible. I have found when speaking to people about their problems, they talk about why they cannot do something or why they have to stay etc etc, but my simplistic approach is to ask a very simple yes or no question and then take each step from there. So i would ask you - Do you want to be with your husband? I know this seems very black or white and a lot of people may not agree with what i am saying, but if you are truly honest with yourself you will be able to answer yes or no. Once you have that answer, then you have to work out how to go about getting what you want. I am not saying that it is easy or it will stop the pain, but it is key in taking the first steps to sorting out your life. I cannot comment on your OH's behaviour as I don't know the situation, but it is not healthy for anyone - your children included - to keep things the way that they are.

As for your job, Heather is right that they cannot push you out and you should hang on in there. I appreciate itmay not be all that easy to find a different job in the current climate but start looking at options; it doesn't sound as if you are happy there either although this may have more to do with your situation at home than you realise? When we are so unhappy with one aspect of our lives, it can affect all other aspects too. Try to stay positive and do your job as best as you can; if you can put any money aside for worst case scenario all well and good but if finances are strectched and you can't do this then deal with what will be when it happens and don't waste time worrying about it now!

If you can just regaing some control and perspective in one aspect of your life you will find that the other areas will start to fall into line as well. At the moment I think you are so lost because you don't know where to start and everything is literally piling up on top of you. prioritise and cross things off your list one by one. As you do so, you will start to feel better and your head will be clearer. You will get there, have some faith and believe in yourself!

Good luck!

wellington_boot

Thank you for caring enough to reply. I'll try to respond as openly as I can.

Scorpio

My husband has always had an aggressive streak to his nature and has always been anti my DD. He is actually a little bit Jekyll & Hyde - one minute lovely, the other minute a monster. Unfortunately it is now more like 10 seconds lovely, one minute, 50 seconds a monster. It's just too much of a roller coaster ride to be on with no happiness at the end.

I wasn't married to my DD1s father - I was very young when I had her - he was very young. He didn't want to settle down and I had to accept that. We've had an amicable relationship ever since.

My own personality is not that of a shrinking violet, I am reactive to aggression in terms of loud disapproval, insults etc. I tend not to swear and would never use violence. I'm usually however over-shouted and my reaction is usually used as the 'fault' behind the incident.

Scorpio - I have taken on so many hobbies over the past year. I try to spend as much time out of the house as possible. But I miss my children horribly.

Heather

No - the debt is £100k (my name) PLUS mortgage of about £100k on a £200k house. My husband also has debt in his name. He also earns approx. £50k per annum.

We pay 50/50 for most house-hold expenses. I pay for treats. He pays for a child from previous relationship. He claims he does more around the house. But he doesn't. He just uses it as another thing to shout about.

My children are unhappy. This is my fault for not protecting them from this awful situation. I really feel as though I have failed over such a long time as I have known this for a long time.

Miss Monkey Moo

- No, I do not want to be with my husband
- I am trying to stay focussed in work

I do feel very trapped because I cannot leave due to the financial situation and the insecurity of the job.

Thank you everyone - I appreciate your advice.

maypole

Whatever you decide to do, please put the children first, it must be awful for them.

January20

If the only thing that is keeping you with him is money or rather debt:

- You have 100K equity in the house that would surely be divided in 2, giving you about 50K to put towards your debt.

- You could start the ball rolling by posting on the Debt Free Wannabe board to get some advice on how to handle your debt and your budget to the best of your ability.

- Once you are in control of your finances, you will probably find other aspects of your life easier to deal with. You could rent a place for you and your children, for instance.

Forgive me for being harsh but this is not a time for feeling sorry and regretting your past choices. You can't do anything about that. What you can do is change the future for both your girls. Concentrate your energies on that, be strong for them and put them first (although I fear your dd1 has probably suffered greatly already from living with a man who has been "anti" her from the beginning! Poor kid!)