Help - Aged Parents

betsie

I would try and push them to move. Talk to them and say you are worried and say you would love them to be closer to you.
My mum is 82 and dad 86 - I moved them 5 mins drive from me last year (it was hard work and I had too organise everything). It was the best thing I could have done. My dads health deteriorated rapidly at the start of this year and he spent 1 month in hospital. I dont know how we would have coped if they had still lived in theie old house of 34 yrs.
Be firm with them - tell your dad he will make your mum ill and she needs help, what if he falls and cracks his head on the bath or something. If they wont move speak to the doctor about getting a referal to social services. Ask for you to be the contact. They will go round and assess their needs, offer equipment (chairs, hand rails etc), help with household tasks etc.
It is hard and you do have to be very firm with them - you also need to get a handle on the finances, make sure all bills are on DD etc (I would also get your name on all the bank accounts now). If something happens to your dad it will be a nightmare for you to sort out of you don't have this knowledge.
I know it seems hard but it is best to be prepared, things will only get worse and the more prepared you are the better especially when you are 3 hours away from them.

PasturesNew

You could get the lifeline people to have you as the contact - and have a list of numbers with you to call out who you think would be most appropriate. e.g. it might be a neighbour, or the Doctor, or the ambulance.

Beyond getting a lifeline in, the trouble you'll have is getting them to use it... but if it's there it's there so that's a step forward.

The problem is the control. What your dad's not realising is that when he stops doing stuff, your mum's unable to do stuff - and that's critical. While you're there, say to him "mum's going to do everything, we'll all just sit here" - and don't let him help her with a thing. And write down everything she can't do.

Q: "Can you cook a meal?"
A: "Yes"

Oh no they can't.... not if somebody's not bringing in the food and paying the bills....

Get a Power of Attorney set up, that takes a few months - and then use it to get yourself a cheque book/card on the account .... "in case". It'll be sent to them at their address, but it does mean that if you do ever need to use it, it'll be there when you turn up to sort out their crisis.

You're battling a few problems here:
1] Refusal to admit they can't manage
2] Refusal to admit to you they can't manage
3] Fear of strangers coming and doing stuff
4] Worried about paying for that help (if your dad's like mine he's as tight as 4rseholes, but has the money)

gravitytolls

I ditto sheltered housing. My in laws struggled for years, with me living nearby, calling twice a day to fill the coal scuttle, make sure they were eating, cleaning etc.

They were very anti sheltered housing, and up until MIL died, wouldn't consider it.

FIL has been in sheltered housing bungalow for 6 years now, and he loves it. He has his own place, good neighbours, nearby surgery and shops, a warden checking 'to make sure I'm still alive hoho.'

Perhaps rather than say you think they should move, you could say 'don't say no straight away, just have a look and promise to think about it.'

Caroline_a

Regarding when your dad falls - you should tell your mum that she should call 999 every time. This is what the paramedic told me when my dad was falling around 4 or 5 times a week. He said that even though my dad by this stage was very light and I could pick him up easily, the recommendation was that paramedics should do it every time, in case either I hurt myself, or missed something with my dad.

I would recommend a keysafe too, as if you get an emergency call button then the emergency services can get in without having to break down the door!

You have my sympathies though, as it's such a difficult thing to deal with. There is a whole generation of middle aged people desperately trying to do the best for their elderly parents, with little or no help at all.

Gigervamp

Money_maker wrote: »

But comes into its own and is a real lifeline if someone lives alone and is on the floor. This can be the only link with help.

As long as the person is wearing the button. My nan had one of those buttons on a necklace type things and she used to take it off when she went to bed. My aunt found her on the floor by the bed one morning. She'd fallen out of bed and couldn't reach the button which was on the bedside table.

Not saying that they're a bad idea, just be aware that they might get
taken off.

GobbledyGook

You could speak to the local social services. My Grandparents started having similar problems when my Grandfather got poorly and it was social services who installed the alarm/lifeline set up. They would get a home help to come and help my Nan when Grandad fell. They didn't need home helps every day and the SS were happy to have the alarm system put in. It also meant when the time came that they did need home helps they were known to some of them.

Also when I suggested it my Grandfather was adamant they wouldn't get it, but when the team came round to assess them someone 'official' telling him that he should get it for my Nan's sake and my peace of mind meant that by the time they left he was telling us what a good idea it was of his to get them round :laugh:

Savvy_Sue

blossomhill wrote: »

Our local one required two points of contact, and my AGP was unhappy about giving a neighbour a key but there was only one relative so they had to or wouldn't be able to join the scheme

An alternative is the keysafe, see below.

Caroline_a wrote: »

I would recommend a keysafe too, as if you get an emergency call button then the emergency services can get in without having to break down the door!

You can give the safe code to the lifeline people, they pass it on when necessary.

Gigervamp wrote: »

As long as the person is wearing the button. My nan had one of those buttons on a necklace type things and she used to take it off when she went to bed. My aunt found her on the floor by the bed one morning. She'd fallen out of bed and couldn't reach the button which was on the bedside table.

Not saying that they're a bad idea, just be aware that they might get
taken off.

I thought they had to be taken off at night, in case you strangle yourself on the cord! Not sure what's meant to happen overnight. I'm sure there must be alternatives for those who might fall out of bed in the night ...

Caroline_a

My dad used to wear him like a watch on him wrist as it came with a necklace attachment or wriststrap.

anguk

Our local council has a "Care Connect" service, it's a bit like lifeline but when the elderly person presses the button a mobile warden comes out to the house. You could check with your parent's local council to see if they have a similar service.

http://www.durham.gov.uk/Pages/Service.aspx?ServiceId=313

daska

It's important to point out that Lifeline services differ according to area. E.G. in my dad's county they call 999 but locally we have a dedicated team of what appear to be mainly elderly ladies - I do feel most embarrassed when someone who appears to be 20 years older than me is helping off the floor LOL. I wear mine 24/7, especially in the shower!

Get in touch with your parent's local Social Services, they'll know exactly what is available to them.

It is difficult though, mum refused to let anyone help dad when she was ill - "Your father will look after me, it's what people do", no matter that he had cellulitis and gout and could have done with some looking after himself! He looks 10 years younger and his health has improved massively now he's no longer caring for her.