Help - Aged Parents

Ms_Chocaholic

Hi

My parents are in their 70s/80s and over the last year my father has become increasingly frail; falling over, forgetful, unable to get out of chair, falling out of bed etc etc.

My mother is only slight and when my father falls out of bed or is unable to get out of a chair she is unable to help him. I did mention some months ago that she should consider getting lifeline for these such eventualities but they haven't yet done this.

The situation at home is slowly deteriorating. Dad is in charge of finances, he collects the pensions etc and does all the banking and pays the bills (of that generation I guess). Mum suggested that they should think about getting a home carer in to help but he wouldn't entertain this, I also think they should get the bathroom altered to allow easier access to shower etc.

Mum is unable to make a decision (I guess because dad makes all decisions about finances and always has done), I live a good 3 hours drive away so unable to call regularly to make much of a difference.

Any advice?

Ms C x

blossomhill_2

Difficult situation for you - regarding the falls, the ambulance service is quite used to getting calls to help in such situations, does Mum call 999?

Who would a lifeline contact to? They are only really of use to folk who have a supportive someone who can respond, however if you were the point of contact you could perhaps arrange emergency help from a distance

Age UK website is a good source of advice, also their helplines
Local social services can be asked to assess the living situation and this would include things like accessible showering or stair lifts
HTH

MrsManda

It must be really hard living so far away I think the first thing you need to do is to talk to both your mum and dad about your concerns. If your mum is suffering as she's not capable of looking after your dad as she feels she should then she needs help. And if she can't make a decision without your dad then you need to speak to your dad to try to make him see that it'd be better for him and his wife if they got some help.

It may be worth speaking to AgeUK to see what help they may be entitled to.
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/

Do your parents have any contact with support services, their GP, social services?

Depending on how much help your dad needs it may be worth applying for Attendance Allowance.
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Disabledpeople/DG_10018710

HTH

CH27

How often do you see them? Could you stay with them for a few days & assess how things really are?

Have they any neighbours willing to be a Careline contact?

Ms_Chocaholic

We are hoping to go over there later this week. Previously when we've tried to discuss it with dad, he just chooses to ignore and not listen to the discussion and walk away. Mum does listen and although she agrees that she does need support, adaptations etc nothing happens (because dad controls the finances. though she does have sufficient money of her own to do those things).

Mum does call 999 (stating it is not an emergency) and gets help when dad falls etc but I guess this can't go on in the long-term. They do have the support of neighbours in the community but clearly if the situation is deteriorating they do need to find alternative sources of support.

It is so difficult living so far away but so frustrating too.

Ms_Chocaholic

Just a query re lifeline, is it purely a service that calls a relative/friend when the person calls them in an emergency. I am aware of sheltered housing complexes near me where a warden can call in such an emergency - is this not the same?

blossomhill_2

Ms_Chocaholic wrote: »

Just a query re lifeline, is it purely a service that calls a relative/friend when the person calls them in an emergency. I am aware of sheltered housing complexes near me where a warden can call in such an emergency - is this not the same?

It calls your nominated points of contact (keyholder) - so is of little use if it is someone who has no-one to support them.

It is manned 24/7 which is great, and is a one touch button which is easier than getting to a phone and ringing 999. The lifeline will call 999 in a real emergency

Our local one required two points of contact, and my AGP was unhappy about giving a neighbour a key but there was only one relative so they had to or wouldn't be able to join the scheme

motherofstudents

Are you the only relative ? If so, is there any chance they could come and live with you ? It must be an awful worry to be so far away. Or would they consider moving to a sheltered housing scheme near you ?

I can understand of course if they don't want to. Nobody wants to really admit that they are not managing. My dad did all the financial stuff and when he died, my mum just used to put letters in a drawer unopened. That is why we had problems when she died but that is another story.

Your mum should ask for a carer's assessment. Contact social services for this. There is help out there but it is never as much as you would like. I hope you can get some support for them. It's so sad isn't it.

Ms_Chocaholic

Yes I'm the only relative but I don't think they would come and live here with me (although we do have the room, we have a house that is not particularly suitable to my dad's needs anyway) nor do I think they would move to a sheltered housing complex near me although there are some very nice ones here.

Thanks very much for everyone's help, I'll print this off for reference for when we go there and hopefully we can make a start getting something sorted for them both. x

CH27

You have to be crafty when broaching things.

When I was dealing with my Grandad i'd give him the worst case scenario & then when he protested offer him what I wanted him to have ie move into sheltered accomodation or have carers twice a day or meals on wheels or a carer in cooking it.

Money_maker

blossomhill wrote: »

It calls your nominated points of contact (keyholder) - so is of little use if it is someone who has no-one to support them.

But comes into its own and is a real lifeline if someone lives alone and is on the floor. This can be the only link with help.