Wife to be with credit card problems!

poppasmurf_bewdley

I can see my own marriage flashing before me in the OP's story.

You are heading into a life of debt, misery, constant arguments, hiding behind the curtains, being frightened to open the front door or the post or answer the telephone, sleepless nights and yet more debt if you get married to this woman.

Debt has a very nasty habit of killing love - very quickly.

debitnotcredit

What nonsense debt kills love - it wasnt love then. Money is money it is a commodity nothing more it should not change your feelings for a person. Yes its tough when you have money worries but not the end of the world.

Some of my richest friends also get divorced, if you love someone you do debt and all.

DVardysShadow

debitnotcredit wrote: »

What nonsense debt kills love

There are 2 different situations resulting in debt.

One is grinding poverty and insufficient income to meet essential bills. This is the kind of adversity which can bind good people together

The other is a total incomprehension that money obeys the laws of arithmetic and the fact that being granted credit creates a debt. If one partner realises this but the other just carries on taking out credit, you can be pretty certain that debt kills love.

FireWyrm

bluebird wrote: »

Don't marry until she addresses her money problems,you cannot enjoy a happy marriage with debt strangling you both.

I'd just like to add to this sentiment if I may. THE number one cause of early divorce is money trouble. If you start your married life in trouble, it will never sort itself out and you will be more likely to divorce again within a short while. The problem of her debt is merely the symptom of a much deeper issue and one that she is going to have to either address herself (much like an addict who enters voluntary detox), or, you're going to have to make her see (tricky, you probably wont succeed and you'll divorce anyway). I know it's hard, right now, your heart is ruling your head and all you can see is pretty fields and flowers. The truth of married life is harsh, neverending drudgery and struggle for survival. A very lucky few can manage to survive quite well, but for most on lower wages, its a grind that continues year after year and ultimately takes it's tole on even the strongest relationship. If you then compound the issue with a profligate spouse, then it's doomed from the start.

Bottom line, clear the debt completely before you marry - or you'll just be left with a large debt which you as a spouse will be jointly and severally liable for if and when you finally divorce. My guess is that ultimately, that debt will swallow any profit from the sale of your common property.

I'm sorry its a bleak picture and I do hope that it is all roses and sunshine for you. In truth, we've seen exactly the scenario above time and again on here.

debitnotcredit

They are a few relevant points raised there, yes if one Partner is totally against budgeting and is reckless with money, this can cause stress , and I see that can cause problems.

I was more referring to money worries that had resulted in recession redundancy which are outside a persons control. For someone to run off in those circumstannces would be against my own principles, of marriage being for better or worse.

chickenchargrill

Actually having the wedding might give her a light bulb moment. Yes, we can get married, but we can't use credit for it. She needs to cut up all her credit cards, even the ones not paid off yet.

For us, we've found ourselves, not in huge amounts of debt, but just not much spare cash. Determined to get married, we have sold loads of stuff on ebay and such to come up with the money needed. Which isn't all that much compared to most weddings.

Money worries do put pressure on a relationship, but if they're the one, it's not so bad.

Well done you for being so supportive. I hope she realises sooner rather than later.

MsFoxwell

If I may offer a glimpse of the other side of this story - In my own life the shoe is on the other foot and I am the partner with stupid debts that were run up through living a lifestyle beyond my means.

I am on a much better wage now and very much more sensible with money, to the point where by no small amount of toil and sacrifice the end of this year should see me completely Debt Free !:j

I was terrified to tell my DH when we started dating about the mess I was attempting to dig myself out of, luckily he met me just after my lightbulb moment and I haven't fallen back into my old ways.

I've got to say though, If my hubby had offered to take out a loan to pay off some of my debt I would have refused. It's a little selfish of this woman to have accepted that generous help and continue her cycle of lavish spending. :mad: I reckon the ten grand donation has bought you at least some say In how her finances are conducted and if it we me I would accept this with the good grace it deserves....

Miss_Spendalot_2

debitnotcredit wrote: »

What nonsense debt kills love - it wasnt love then. Money is money it is a commodity nothing more it should not change your feelings for a person. Yes its tough when you have money worries but not the end of the world.

Some of my richest friends also get divorced, if you love someone you do debt and all.

What a load of Tosh you speak, the OP would be crazy to get married to somebody who has no sense of controlling her finances, Love is great in the beginning for sure but when push comes to shove this guy is going to live a life of uncertainty as far as his finances are concerned.

It is true that money cannot buy Love but Debt and the problems it brings can definitely be a big factor in relationship problems. And there is no way that the OP will come out of it unscathed..

Spending money is like an addiction for some people, just because she has told the guy about the debt does not mean that she is ready to do anything about it, all she has managed to do is to take the weight and guilt of the debt off of her own shoulders and Given it to (what seems like a nice guy) the OP to deal with.
While somebody else is taking control of it she is learning nothing and I bet you if you gave her a fresh credit card she would be out spending on it..
I know it sounds harsh but if she has an addiction to spending then OP clearing it up for her is only concealing the problem..

I don't know what you can do OP I know what I would do but that's me..


Good luck OP you are going to need it...

MoonoverTunbridgeWells

Thank you all very much for your good advice. Well, possabily a little late to sort it all out before marriage as we've only got five weeks to go! We're going to have a good chat this weekend to try and adopt a plan. I myself had financial problems many years back, but fought my way back, so I can understand her underlying worry. If we get a positive breakthrough I'll let you all know.

Once again thank you.

Kind regards,

MoonyTW

debitnotcredit

Miss Spendalot I take your points on board. But I have friends who have married really careful partners. And as soon as they have hit 40ish having been in a stable financial enviroment have !!!!!!ed off because they have been so bored. Yes carerful with money is good, but it can be incredibly boring after many years penny pinching, the graveyard is full of very rich careful people, who have not lived really. Im not saying go mad but to be too careful can bore the hell out of a relationship. And most of the people that left went off with people who gave them excitement not spreadsheets. Just reporting what I have witnessed.