Jealousy - the evil monster that rears it's head during weddings

babyb06

I feel for you - I have a sister issue too. On the face of it she is she says she is happy for me, but she has moaned to my parents about every decision I have made and has criticised many decisions to my face. Then she wonders why I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid.......:mad:

The criticism/lack of enthusiasm has continued - doesn't like the cake i have chose, the colour scheme etc - why can't you just be happy for me and let me plan my wedding my way?!

I think it is just jealousy. I think the same for you OP - your sister fot so close to having a big wedding in UK and then changed things - she must've had a lot of thoughts/planned that had to be cancelled and now you are doing all of those things she is finding it tough and throwing her toys out of the pram.

Not an excuse for her, but a reason to understand her actions and not fall out with her in the long term. Just try and ignore her, she will come to your wedding, your sister would not miss it (just sit her on a rubbish table out of your line of sight so your can't upset you on the day!). As my dad keeps telling me - be the bigger person...................

smcqis

Wouldnt chase her, you have sent the invite your job is done

bubbles0169

Ok she has been hurt at her wedding but if she cared a dot about her sister then she would not want her to go through that pain would she? She is very jealous and now you have to ignore the silly moo and have a brilliant wedding regardless, if your family can't see past her envy then unfortunately you'll have to ignore them too x
The old cynic, how can you say shes doing wrong formally inviting her to everything then stating that she maybe miffed they shes not being included?

poet123

I agree with Oldcynic, as a sister I wouldn't expect to be formally invited, and certainly wouldn't expect to have to RSVP.

I think that the OP needs to stop texting and go over to her sisters and have a real heart to heart. That is, if she wants to mend the rift and find out why it has happened and not just be told she is the bride so she is automatically in the right.

theoldcynic

bubbles0169 wrote: »

The old cynic, how can you say shes doing wrong formally inviting her to everything then stating that she maybe miffed they shes not being included?

I didn't say it was wrong if you read my post I said it was a bit strange. Sounded a bit too formal to me for a close sister and could be seen as a snub by making her an outsider like other 'official' guests in a way, it could feel like an exclusion from the inner circle as it were. But then we are all different beings, have different upbringings and relationships and expectations and therefore have different views. As you have yours and the OPs sister has hers as well as the OP.

It sounds like something went wrong somewhere and often (but not always might I add) in relationships it is a two way thing and down to communication, which is what I tried to highlight about the texts and maybe trying to have a none-pressurised chat instead if that hasn't been tried already.

I want to re-iterate that just because I am offering a different perspective does not mean that I am judging the OP or her sister. I am merely offering a different view to a question the OP asked.

I hope that by my offering my different view does not mean that I am also being judged in a similar fashion.

I hope you take no offence OP I sincerely meant none.

bubbles0169

im not judging you theoldcynic im saying your being contradictory and if I was on my pc I would reread your post, high light the contradictions then re post it but alas I'm on my mobile (insert morgana natalie cassidy roll eyes)

theoldcynic

bubbles0169 wrote: »

im not judging you theoldcynic im saying your being contradictory and if I was on my pc I would reread your post, high light the contradictions then re post it but alas I'm on my mobile (insert morgana natalie cassidy roll eyes)

If you read my post you will see that I mostly asked questions of the OP and mostly said 'perhaps' this and 'maybe' that, 'I would guess', 'I can see'... speculation as it were. I am not suggesting that all of my 'perhaps' are what is truly going on. I am trying to offer an alternative perspective or two, to demonstrate that we can all see/perceive things in a different way and that maybe it is not about her sisters jealousy. I also suggested at the end that the OP may also be right and it is, but tried to focus on a suggestion of how she might be able to resolve it if she felt so inclined.

The summation of my post was to suggest to the OP to try and communicate directly with her sister if she hasn't already tried, and that 'perhaps' (lol!) it would be better in a none-pressurised environment.

Feelings, relationships, emotions are often contradictory and contrary! Even if her feelings/reasons were contradictory/contrary it would not make them any less valid. But then we really are getting into the nitty gritty and wonders of the human psyche and it is too late for me to get involved in such an interesting discussion, and I fear it would take away from the OPs initial concerns in this thread.

I guess this conversation highlights perfectly how things can be mis-read/mis-interpreted when in text!

spoonymoose

Many thanks for all of your replies.

I will attempt to add extra information to clear everything up;

There have been many phone calls between me and my sister, but they always end up in the say way; her asking me if I want her at my wedding, me explaining that of course I do as she is my only sister, her saying she doesn't feel like I do and so on.

I text her because I know that she works shifts and it's not easy to try and get a time when we're both free, plus ringing her house after half 9 will be a sure way to annoy her husband as he is often up at 4am. Also, I don't want to upset either of us again.

The RSVP; I sent everyone an invitation and wanted to treat her the same as I wanted her to have the information for the wedding. I went over to her house, to let her know that I was getting married and to let her know the date and she told me she would be at uni and so probably wouldn't be able to come, hence why I desire some kind of RSVP, just to know that she's coming or not.

Having a girly day out; I've tried this, I travelled for 3 and a half hours on a coach to try and spend some time with her during my hen week (I'd put aside a day for her) but no. With three weeks to go, my weekends are full and there are no other times to do this. My sister lives 3 hours away and so any sort of face-to-face contact is pretty limited.

As for her feeling hurt about me getting married; surely I should feel more jealously towards her; she got together with her OH a year after I did with mine, she then got engaged within half a year and got a house within the next year, she finally got married 6 years later. I've been with my OH for nearly 9 years; surely I am allowed to take advantage of a time that is both special to me and OH (June) and unfortunately, yes it is within 20 months of her getting married.

poet123

spoonymoose wrote: »

Many thanks for all of your replies.

I will attempt to add extra information to clear everything up;

There have been many phone calls between me and my sister, but they always end up in the say way; her asking me if I want her at my wedding, me explaining that of course I do as she is my only sister, her saying she doesn't feel like I do and so on.

I text her because I know that she works shifts and it's not easy to try and get a time when we're both free, plus ringing her house after half 9 will be a sure way to annoy her husband as he is often up at 4am. Also, I don't want to upset either of us again.

The RSVP; I sent everyone an invitation and wanted to treat her the same as I wanted her to have the information for the wedding. I went over to her house, to let her know that I was getting married and to let her know the date and she told me she would be at uni and so probably wouldn't be able to come, hence why I desire some kind of RSVP, just to know that she's coming or not.

Having a girly day out; I've tried this, I travelled for 3 and a half hours on a coach to try and spend some time with her during my hen week (I'd put aside a day for her) but no. With three weeks to go, my weekends are full and there are no other times to do this. My sister lives 3 hours away and so any sort of face-to-face contact is pretty limited.

As for her feeling hurt about me getting married; surely I should feel more jealously towards her; she got together with her OH a year after I did with mine, she then got engaged within half a year and got a house within the next year, she finally got married 6 years later. I've been with my OH for nearly 9 years; surely I am allowed to take advantage of a time that is both special to me and OH (June) and unfortunately, yes it is within 20 months of her getting married.

I think that is the crux of the matter, for whatever reason she feels sidelined and out of the "inner circle" as Oldcynic put it. You may want to think honestly about why she would feel this way. Have you made assumptions that she wouldn't want to do xyz so done it with a friend, have you inadvertently offended her by seemingly making another female more prominent in your arrangements?

Is she jealous of your relationship with another female? You may have done none of these things and she may just be a difficult person to please, alternatively she may have reason to feel hurt. It does come across as hurt which is quite sad between sisters, so if you can heal the rift before the wedding you should (if that is what you want too) make it a priority as if this event goes ahead with these issues simmering under the surface your relationship will probably never be the same again.

wanchai_2

Hugs to you spoonymoose. I hope that you manage to get it sorted and have a fab wedding. Your sister sounds like she is jealous that you're having the wedding that she wanted, and is making your life a misery because of it.