Jealousy - the evil monster that rears it's head during weddings

spoonymoose

With just over three weeks to go until I say "I do" I have realised that there will always be that one person who hopes your wedding is rubbish and usually it's a family member.

Let me explain a little; my sister got married in 2010 in a ceremony made for two in Las Vegas. She had planned the whole big, white wedding and then due to family members and various lies, cancelled it and did it with the person she felt mattered the most.

Now, move forward 3 months when I, her little sister, got engaged. Many congratulations and pieces of important information were passed between us, including the one key point; "remember it is YOUR wedding so what you says goes and don't let people push you into anything."

Fast forward to over a year later and that year has been filled with a growing jealousy from my sister, starting off small; she wanted me to get married in 2016, I chose 2012. She didn't like the bridesmaid dress; I encouraged her to choose something similar. She decided she hated my best friend. She complained to my mum that I was being secretive about the wedding and hadn't asked her for advice. I went dress shopping with her which resulted in her throwing a hissy and me and my mum telling me to "f**k off and get married abroad to stop upsetting people."

The hen night starts to be planned, I choose to have it where I live, my sister is invited yet declines, so we go up to my parents house to make it easier for her to come over. She refuses.

She sees photos of my hen night in Birmingham and messages me to say she's hurt that she wasn't invited. I stay calm and remind her that she was. She gets no argument from me then ups it by telling our mother about it, my mother takes her side and calls me selfish. My sister says that I don't want her at the wedding.

My sister still refuses to send the RSVP card back or even a message to say she's coming to the wedding. I text her constantly to ask if she would like to do a reading since she isn't a bridemaid, she doesn't reply.

Now, last night I get a message from my gran saying that my sister will be ringing me about accomodation for the wedding. I miss the call as I'm busy catching up after a hellish week and sorting stuff out for a leadership thing for Brownies. I text her to ask her if she's coming to the wedding, she replies that she wants a room, I reply asking how many nights she wants it for, she doesn't reply.

This morning I get three voicemail messages from my gran; one telling me to ring my sister to sort accommodation out, the second two hours later with my gran in tears as my mum and sister have been screaming at her, with my sister causing hell and making my dad decide that because I obviously don't want my sister there, then he is not coming and because he drives my mum won't be coming either. The third voicemail is my gran, calmer, explaining this again.

What have I done? Apparently I have done the most vil thing known to man and have decided to get married and celebrate with the people I care about, unfortunately my sister things I am rubbing her face in it.

Sorry for the long story, but I needed someone to talk to and the OH is out and I'm at a loss.

Bride2be24

Sounds like your sister needs to grow up, act her age and stop being so selfish!! Sorry but she needs to realise its YOUR day not hers, hers has been and gone. Hope you sort this out soon huni xxx

burtons_angel

aww my heart goes out to you, they should not be putting this on you so close to the end! Just remember u have not done anything wrong, just reading your post is really frustrating for me so i do feel for u.

I have a similar family and sisters to your actually lol and i can bet if you said to them stop ruining my wedding they would all say fine we wont come instead of being mature and realising they are upsetting u.
best thing you can do is talk calmly to your parents without your sister there and just explain to them you gave her opportunities and she didnt text u back and that they are really upsetting you. i hope it all works out ok for u hunni

Skintski

Shame this forum doesn't have a "like" button because I totall agree with bride2be24. Tell your Sister to start acting her age. She's had her turn and it's time to let you enjoy yours.

katie1812

I can't believe some family members can be like this. I was very frustrated reading your post! I can't imagine how you must be feeling, so close to your big day. Your sister needs to grow up big time, and your parents need to realise that it is your day. Can you not talk to your parents or your gran as someone who can make you all meet in the middle? Or can you and your sister not have a heart to heart and you can tell her how you're feeling and how she has made you feel. It sounds like you don't have much to lose by doing that so perhaps it's worth it? Good luck x

anibell

Geeeeeez....and I thought a wedding was supposed to be a happy occasion.

Really sorry to hear what's been going on. What is your sister thinking? And what is she saying exactly to have your parents side with her?!?

I ditto burtons angel - speak to your parents WITHOUT your sister there, don't let your sister know you're going to speak to them beforehand and see what happens. If it can't be resolved then only you and your OH know what to do next. You don't want friction on what is supposed to be one of the happiest days of your life (or so they say - I have to wait another 3 weeks after you to find out!)

I believe the saying is 'you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family'. How very unfortunate. I hope it can be resolved asap for you :grouphug:

NoAngel

Oh dear, I'm so sorry you're having a difficult time so close to your big day. It's a shame that your sister feels this way and cannot just be happy for you. I don't have much to add but hope this gets sorted very soon.

theoldcynic

Just trying to look at this from another perspective.

Why didn't you call your sister when you missed her call, rather than going by texts? Its sounds as though the texts might be being misinterpreted by her as you not wanting to communicate with her directly. It may be the tone of your texts that she's reacting to or that they are not getting through. All i know is that the written word can be perceived in many different ways and not necessarily in the way you intended (like on this forum lol!).

Have you called your gran yet? Why would she need to leave three messages if you are responding? That's four calls you have missed about the subject, your sisters and your grans. I can see why your family may be upset.

It seems a bit strange too that you officially invited your sister to the hen do and the wedding. I would have guessed that such an invite surely was not needed being a close family member. Maybe she was upset it was so official? She might not think an RSVP is necessary (we certainly didn't expect them from close family, but perhaps that is just us!). Perhaps she wanted to be involved in organising it and is feeling put out? Perhaps her not liking your best friend is to do with this?

This may not be to do with her being jealous about your day at all and unless you know for sure I would think it could be damaging to the relationship to make such an assumption.

Personally I think everything you say points to the fact that your sister really does care about you and really does want to be involved. She complains that you are being secretive and not sharing things, she was upset about the perceived lack of invite to the hen do. Perhaps is jealous of the involvement of your best friend. She is calling you about staying at the hotel (maybe to have the opportunity to spend some more time with you).

If I were you and if repairing the relationship is of upmost importance, i'd stop texting and start talking/calling. Maybe arrange a day out, a pre-wedding treat for you both, start the day off with a treatment like getting your nails done, going out for a nice lunch and leave the wedding chat out of it and see where she is at with things. It could be that she is getting flack from elsewhere about the fact she went away to get married, and your wedding has highlighted that.

It could also be of course that you're completely right and it is jealousy, or something else altogether. I'm just not sure it's going to get resolved by text or trying to talk to her in pressured environments that revolve around your wedding.

This is all my opinion of course and no offence intended. I hope you have a lovely wedding.

jtr2803

Being blunt here...I'd tell her to eff off, sister or no sister. No one has the right to treat another person like that, regardless of whether they are family or not.

To theoldcynic, nothing stopping her sister from trying to make that call is there? Why does the OP have to do all the contacting, with three weeks to go she might be a little 'busy'?

OP - it sounds like your sister is insanely jealous and also perhaps a little over indulged by other members of your family. Hold your held high and have the day you want, don't feel forced into catering to her every whim, sounds like enough people are doing that already!

theoldcynic

jtr2803 wrote: »

To theoldcynic, nothing stopping her sister from trying to make that call is there? Why does the OP have to do all the contacting, with three weeks to go she might be a little 'busy'?

spoonymoose wrote: »

Now, last night I get a message from my gran saying that my sister will be ringing me about accomodation for the wedding. I miss the call as I'm busy catching up after a hellish week and sorting stuff out for a leadership thing for Brownies. I text her to ask her if she's coming to the wedding, she replies that she wants a room, I reply asking how many nights she wants it for, she doesn't reply.

It sounds like she tried.

The OP asked 'What have I done?'. It sounds like she wants to resolve the situation, I am merely offering a different perspective not a judgement of the OP or her sister. Weddings have a propensity to being up all sorts of emotions in people, it would be very sad if such a special occasion was to permanently damage a previously good relationship (if it was previously good of course).

Fen1

I'll be the only one here with some sympathy for the sister, but here goes.
Her wedding was entirely ruined. She'd built up her own wedding, something she'd probably dreamed of since she was a little girl, and it was ruined. Having a private ceremony between her and her OH might have taken away the stress of the big wedding, but it wasn;t the wedding she'd dreamed of. She will never ever get that day back. It is ruined for life. Furthermore, OP got engaged only a few months after this debacle. What a slap in the face.
Yes she is hurt. Yes she is resentful. Yes she's jealous. She will probably be deeply unhappy for a long long time. I would counsel the OP to remember this and have some sympathy.