Patience and advice needed

PreludeForTimeFeelers

With regards to the court order, if it is for child maintenance (and it sounds like it is), then CSA involvement would cancel this. An effective date of 2 months and 2 days after your CSA application would apply, this gives the CSA time to send notification to the court telling them to cancel the order. He would be expected to carry on making the payments as set out by the court order until that point.

I guess I'd recommend waiting the 5 days until his next payment is due, that might make things a bit clearer. Then your options are to either go to court to ask them to impose the payments as he is breaking the court order, or to contact the CSA and let them sort out the financial side of things.

clearingout

hang on in there....he's just threatening at the moment, it might come to nothing, it might come to something. We can deal with the something if it comes to it, try not to worry. Yes, it's sad you're bickering over money, particularly as you have a very sick child, so just don't bicker. Just put it back in the hands of the court or the CSA if necessary. It can be a slow process and I think you realise that if the CSA get involved, it might get nasty. But even in those circumstances, you have effectively delegated the CSA to deal with it and whilst they're not the most efficient at it, they do get there in the end!

Absolutely

clearingout wrote: »

hang on in there....he's just threatening at the moment, it might come to nothing, it might come to something. We can deal with the something if it comes to it, try not to worry. Yes, it's sad you're bickering over money, particularly as you have a very sick child, so just don't bicker. Just put it back in the hands of the court or the CSA if necessary. It can be a slow process and I think you realise that if the CSA get involved, it might get nasty. But even in those circumstances, you have effectively delegated the CSA to deal with it and whilst they're not the most efficient at it, they do get there in the end!

I know. I just wanted to arm myself with a few facts. We don't communicate daily - or even weekly or monthly sometimes. He's said his piece, I've said mine.

That's it for now. At least I'm a bit more clued up.

kevin137

Hey, just real all the posts, i would NOT go the CSA route just yet, as others have said, applying through the CSA would cancel this court order, and it looks like the court order is a good thing right about now.

How is he paying you? By cheque, standing order?

This gives you a paper trail in receiving money and is a good thing, he couldn't apply for a variation in court without having to answer for where the money is coming from, so pleading poverty and then saying but i can;t prove it will have no bearing on the payment.

You have to be aware also, that HE can choose to go the CSA route, which would cancel the order, so you have to be prepared for that scenario as well. And as it is his right you could do nothing about it.

However, if he chose to go that route, which could be a possibility if he has a good solicitor, they would be stupid not to recommend it if he has a small income, you would be in a very good situation to apply for a variation based on income.

From reading between the lines, it looks like, he has been declaring a very small income for some time, and defrauding the tax man. This is not your concern, but could come back to bite him. If the CSA assess his income at say £200 a week, you would have the proof of payment going back over a period of time of him paying £150 a week, so they would ask for proof of income and then they should assess based on what he had been paying being that it is probably not his true income.

Either way he is going to end up paying, just which is the easiest for you.

Access and maintenance are NOT connected through the CSA, but if you go back to court for the order and he tried to get it enforced for contact, then you could probably get a variation on that side of things if he hasn't been having regular contact in the meantime, arguing that it is just to spite you over the money. They to keep a record, an accurate record of contact over the next months so that you have it documented should it come to that. Denying contact is never good, but if he hasn't had any regularly for a while, and tries to get it back up and running at the same time in court, then you would have a good argument for it being supervised at a contact centre. This would show his true colours as they would report to the court should it not take place. And that would make it hard for him in the future.

Good luck

Absolutely

He pays me by standing order. His Dad pays him by cheque £300 a week (then the other cash on top). He also receives a yearly substantial dividend - or did do. That might have changed given the recent recession.

I did not know he could get the CSA involved as well. Thanks for that piece of information.

I would not deny access if he didn't pay maintenance. He sent a solicitors letter saying he wanted to see them every week. Given the state of his health (his father told me he was hospitalised last month as he got 'ill' again), I don't think it is wise for him to see the children every week. So I suggested seeing them every 3-4 weeks and building up from there. At this point he said he was withdrawing the maintenance.

I have diaries going back 4 years which detail every visit. Dates and times, because I knew this would happen one day.

I want the children to see their father. I want him to be well. But I also need money to survive.

However, as pointed out...it's just a threat at the moment. Roll on Saturday. I'll be on the banking website at dafto'clock

kevin137

Are you on speaking terms with his parents...? I mean are they able to supervise the visits for you i mean...

Given that any contact he has is probably good for him as well as the kids, it would make sense not to try and be the one who dictates. I am saying that not knowing the full story by the way, so not suggesting that he should have more contact if he is not fit to do so, but regular contact (not overnight) could possible be a good thing...?

Forget the money side of things for now, just think about the contact, and decide without the money being a question...

Then look at the money side of things as a separate issue. Don't demand anything, but try to explain, that while you do not want to be demanding, simple things, like school trips, uniforms, school dinners even become a real struggle if he deny's the money, and that you would appreciate it, if you didn't have to argue over the money side of things, as that brings emotions into it, and that would effect the children, but that you are NOT going to stop contact, that you just need to find a workable solution under the present circumstances...

If you can involve his parents to be the work around for him to still be able to have the contact, it would make it a lot easier for all concerned.

I am assuming, that his problems are of the mental health issue, and while that can be extremely worrying as a parent who is sending there kids off to be with someone in that situation, given that his parents could facilitate it, stability with his kids could make a real difference to his progress and attitude...

At the end of the day, you have to decide and do what is right for you. And good luck with what you choose.

Absolutely

Kevin - valid questions.

My ex's mother has been in a residential care home with mental illness for the past 10+years. My ex's Dad visits her every day, feeds her meals, etc.

I asked his Dad the other day to supervise the visits when X sees the children and his reaction was "X would never harm the kids. I've got enough on my plate and I can't guarantee to always be there". At the moment that's a bit of a deal-breaker for me. As he has previously said to me "I'll make sure X isn't left alone with the children". His Dad has also been the one driving because X's mental health is so bad.

If I try to talk to X about money he says he "gave" me the house. Well, I did get the house but I'm still paying a mortgage. I made no claim on the family business (of which he owns a third) and no claim on his pension either.

Over the years, it has turned him into a bitter man. He feels I robbed him of the family home so he gets angry if I bring money up. "But you're sat there in MY house, with MY kids...."

He only lives with his father now because he did previously share a house with a friend, but the friend saw how ill he was and told his Dad that he needed supervision/help.

Sigh...