Patience and advice needed

Absolutely

eskimo26 wrote: »

Why not approach the father and get straight to the point, is he aware of his sons mental health issues and how this may occur? Or would he be of the opinion you are withholding access?

Approach him and tell him payments have stopped and why, then tell him if it's not sorted he should let his son know next stop is the CSA but you'd rather avoid it. Maybe he can reach his son.

Eskimo. In most families, that might be a good idea. Not this one though. His father is in utter denial about the extent of his sons mental health problems. Even though his son lives with him and he has had to ask him to be taken to hospital/physically restrained at times.

They are a very damaged family. I think I need to take a step away and just involve the CSA straight away.

I may be right, I may be wrong. Time will tell.

PreludeForTimeFeelers

It sounds like a messy situation for everyone involved.

Good luck, I hope you get things sorted.

clearingout

absolutely - I am sorry to read about what is happening. The self employment/director side of things will make life with the CSA difficult. Much will depend on whether your ex's father is bothered about breaking the law and whether he perceives himself to be at risk of loss in anyway should he refuse to comply with the CSA. The simple fact of the matter is although the CSA have powers to deal (more or less) with these issues, they do seem to take the route of least resistance. You may well be in this now for the long haul - welcome to the club!

From you last post, I am inclined to agree that simply going to the CSA is probably your best course of action. You kind of need to treat the CSA like a hobby - you need to phone them regularly and ask for updates. When they don't do anything (this is a common theme!), you have to keep pushing. Keep a log of phonecalls you make (the caseworkers will always give a name when they pick up the phone) and back up anything promised or said in writing which you send recorded delivery. Keep copies and keep your recorded delivery slips. You may well need them.

I'll keep my fingers crossed that you get lucky and payment is restored relatively quickly. It sounds like you have enough on your plate. I hope your little one is recovering well. Take care xxx

Absolutely

(I have only just remembered to go and click the Thanks button for the replies. Not been on here in a while).

A couple more questions:

- He has said he is stopping payments but the next one isn't due for a week. Should I wait until then to see if he has actually stopped them or contact the CSA now?

- Our divorce included a court order which said he should pay me £200 a week. I agreed to reduce it to £150 when the recession hit and to try to help him get back on his feet. The same court order also said he is allowed access to the children twice a week. Am I in danger of now having to hand my children over to a mentally unstable man if he chooses to take me to court

WYSPECIAL

If court order says he should be paying you £200 per week then that is what he should be paying you unless the court orders differently. What is that for child maintenance, spousal maintenance or is it global (both).

You could go to the CSA but bearing in mind his employment status it might lead to assessment problems and would end any court order for child maintenance. Why not tell him that he WILL be paying you £150 or you will go to court to have the order for £200 enforced and ask for the arrears.

As regards contact do his mental health issues prevent him from being with children? If you have concerns it would again be better to approach the court about this rather than just stop contact off your own back. They can then order reports if required.

Absolutely

WYSPECIAL wrote: »

If court order says he should be paying you £200 per week then that is what he should be paying you unless the court orders differently. What is that for child maintenance, spousal maintenance or is it global (both).

You could go to the CSA but bearing in mind his employment status it might lead to assessment problems and would end any court order for child maintenance. Why not tell him that he WILL be paying you £150 or you will go to court to have the order for £200 enforced and ask for the arrears.

As regards contact do his mental health issues prevent him from being with children? If you have concerns it would again be better to approach the court about this rather than just stop contact off your own back. They can then order reports if required.

The Consent Order states "that the Respondent agrees to pay the Petitioner periodical payments for the benefit of the children of the family...at the total rate of £800 per month to be reviewed by the parties from time to time until the Petitioner and the Respondent shall agree that the children are no longer dependent, or until an Order shall be made by the Court or assessment by the Child Support Agency".

If I tell him he WILL be making payments, he will laugh. My grounds of divorce were his controlling behaviour. He's still trying to control me now by this.

As for taking him to court, he will simply tell me to do it. I don't have the energy. 3 years of chemotherapy and 2 Special Needs children can just knock the wind out of you. I'm bone-tired.

He has seen the children 5 times in a 9 month period. I have never denied access - apart from once or twice when he hasn't been in touch for weeks so I had made other arrangements. I always explained this to him and offered the next week as an alternative.

His mental health is erratic but I don't know the specifics of it. I know he has been violent. I know police have been called. I know he has spent time in the Psychotic In-Patient Unit. He tells me he is only on a mild anti-depressant.

This whole situation came to a head because he accused me of refusing him access to the children. I hadn't done that. He then followed up with a letter from his solicitor saying he wanted weekly access but was also willing to consider any other reasonable alternative I proposed.

I proposed him seeing them every 3-4 weeks, and then building up to weekly access. He didn't reply. When he didn't reply, I challenged him. At that point he said he was withdrawing the maintenance and I was being unreasonable.

clearingout

I think as Wyspecial says, going through court to get the Order enforced is a good idea. He could, as could you, go to the CSA if your Order is more than 12 months old but if he's not aware of that fact, I think the Order will stand as long as the CSA aren't asked to get involved. You could phone the CSA to ask them if this is the case.

Don't challenge him - it's so not worth the hassle for you. Live life like he's not there - if he turns up wanting to see the children, then that's fine and you can build up contact but otherwise, just ignore him.

WYSPECIAL

From what you say don't challenge him. If he doesn't pay this week simply fill the form in and let the court deal with him. Thats what they are paid for and by the sound of it you have little choice

Absolutely

Ok. Things are a bit clearer now. I'm going to wait to see if he does actually stop the payment which is due in 5 days and then take the advice given above.

Clearing - he won't just turn up to see the children. To give him his due, he has respected my space and we have a neutral meeting point between our respective houses (but you wouldn't know that of course, I'm just saying ). If he turned up here, I'd shut the door in his face!

It's so sad that I'm bickering with him over money when all I've done is try to be reasonable.

Homeagain

Access to minor children and maintenance are two entirely different issues. A parent who has been ordered to make certain maintenance/alimony payments cannot merely stop paying because he feels access is being denied or for any other reason whatsoever. It is Court ordered. If he/she chooses to demand defined access the relevant Court dealing with issues such as access must be approached. Likewise the relevant authorities must approached regarding maintenance payments (i.e. the CSA). Good luck with this problem. You sound as if you have so much on your plate without the worry of 'loss of income'. Personally I think a couple of communications from the CSA will wake up both your ex and his father.