Domestic violence advise

T900

Dear All,

Registered under a new user to seek advise.

I wish to learn if there is anything I can do to help a friend with her situation. I only know the outline of the details:

My friend's 20-something daughter was violently harmed by her boyfriend earlier this week. The Police were called and the daughter went with them to hospital, but will not press charges against her boyfriend. After treatment, and against Police and mother's advise, the daughter went back to the boyfriend.

The daughter is not listening to her mother (my friend). Is there anything I can do to help my friend, other than be there and listen to the venting over her inability to help her daughter.

Many thanks,
Anon

fluffnutter

In short, no, not really. You're quite removed in that it's not even happening to a friend, but a friend's daughter. What do you want to do? Anything other than being there for your friend is overstepping the mark really. I assume you've discussed professional help like domestic abuse websites? TBH, it's probably really important that you don't express your opinions; this girl's a fool but telling her mother that is not going to help!

As stupid as this girl is, it's her choice to stay with her boyfriend and if her own mum can't persuade her then there's nothing you can do about it

Mojisola

Have you been following this thread - https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3873231

People in an abusive relationship - whether that's physical, mental, financial or emotional - find it extremely difficult to leave. By the time things get bad, their partner has usually got them feeling that everything is their fault "He only hit me because I did/said/didn't do xyz"

Your friend will need a lot of support because it's extremely painful to watch a relative living in an abusive relationship and refusing to leave.

T900

Fluff,

Thank you for your comments, and it is as I thought. Yes, we did discuss the help groups, but the daughter is not listening.

Is it like the Debt Free Wanabe situation: the daughter has to have a Light Bulb Moment of realisation and then the mother can be there and help.

Thanks,
Anon

T900

Mojisola,
Cross posted. I shall read that post. Did read the stuck message at the top of this page.
You virtually quoted what the daughter did say!

Thanks
Anon

Jo84_2

Unfortunately, what fluffnutter says is right, your friends daughter has to want to leave.

All you can do is ask her mum to make her aware that this will NOT be an isolated incident and will probably get worse (sorry I know thats not what u want to hear) and that there are ways to get her out of the situation; she may have gone back if he had threatened her.

If anyone is going to get through to her it will be her mum. But ultimately, she has to want to leave.

Best of luck

JoJo

ciderwithrosie_2

Awful situation for your friend to have to stand back and watch unfold and a lesson to all parents of girls - bring them up to have as much self worth and independence as you possibly can, so they don't end up in a similar relationship.

gibson123

I don't agree there is nothing you can do! Violent partners try to isolate and control their victims, encourage your friend to keep in touch with her daughter and do things together preferably unthreatening things like shopping and manicures, or going to the gym. Also keep up a relationship with the partner, even if it means that she has to put on a "face". This way you keep the communication lines open so she can keep an eye on the situation, the daughter will come to her senses eventually, but Mum has to try to be there for her, so don't let her become the perceived "enemy" or for the hurt on behalf of her daughter create walls.

T900

Gibson,
Thank you for your message.
Sadly, the daughter is quite a distance away so frequent visits are not straight forward, however, the mother does travel there as often as possible. I understand that there is very little relationship with the daughters BF, as he is a "waste of space"...

I very much appreciate the comments and hopefully my friend can put them into practice and be there for her daughter when she is ready.

Cheers,
Anon.

Mojisola

gibson123 wrote: »

I don't agree there is nothing you can do! Violent partners try to isolate and control their victims, encourage your friend to keep in touch with her daughter and do things together preferably unthreatening things like shopping and manicures, or going to the gym. Also keep up a relationship with the partner, even if it means that she has to put on a "face". This way you keep the communication lines open so she can keep an eye on the situation, the daughter will come to her senses eventually, but Mum has to try to be there for her, so don't let her become the perceived "enemy" or for the hurt on behalf of her daughter create walls.

It's vital to keep contact and not to make judgmental comments - whatever you're feeling. As gibson says, an abuser will always try to cut off their victim from any outside help. If your friend can keep contact and not make her daughter feel that she'll say "I told you so" when the daughter eventually sees the light, it will be easier for her to leave.

What an abuser hopes is that if their victim ever does think about leaving, there will be nowhere for them to go and no-one ready to take them in. The last thing the victim needs is to feel that if she/he admits they're being abused, relatives will judge them and make them feel stupid. The abuse will already have wrecked their self-esteem and made them doubt their judgment.

T900

Mojisola,
I am seeing my friend this weekend, so this thread has been of great help to me - totally out of my depth with this sort of event...

Thanks,
Anon.