Life is such a rollarcoaster

[Deleted User]

I considered going anonymous, but decided not to as I'm hoping some of you will be able to identify with how I feel, so I thought why hide it?

I had a long heart to heart with my DH last night, we've been together 10 years, married 5 years and have two kids 5 and 4. We still love each other but our marriage has taken a big hit since having the children because:-

1. I had severe PND with both and have suffered with depression on and off since.
2. Having two children close together took a lot out of me physically and emotionally, so unfortunately my DH did get neglected physically and emotionally too.
3. He says he is drained from trying to keep "us" together and now i'm better its like he has stopped trying.

We've had chats before about how we can reignite our relationship and how we can invest more time into our marriage. We both want to but tend to slip back to life's rollarcoaster and busyness.

I've felt vibes for a while that things weren't right, I could tell he wasn't happy, intimacy between us hasn't been right for months and even though I asked him many times if things were ok, did he still want "us", he said yes and to stop worrying.

Last night we had an arguement, but later when we both sat down and talked it through, we then moved on and he finally admitted for him things had changed.

He said he had been denying it even to himself as he didn't want to admit it. The passion has gone apparently (well I knew that!), but he says he still loves me (more as a friend, than a wife at the moment - that hurt I can tell you). He still wants to be with me and our family, he is a great dad.

We were up till midnight talking, being honest and discussing how we got to this point and how we could get back to where we want to be.

No-one else knows, on the surface we appear great, both affectionate towards each other and we generally rub along ok, but behind close doors, the spark/passion has gone. We are seeing a sex therapist for the first time through the NHS on thursday. DH is hoping that will help us get back to life sexually pre-kids (if that's possible). He had a vesactomy last september which has really affected him in that department, causing him to lose confidence, so to save face doesnt try. I keep trying to reassure him, I can wait. If the sex therapist can help with that, then maybe that will spill over into other areas of our relationship and we can move on.

My head hurts from all the crying I did last night, I'm scared I will lose him. I have said if after all our efforts things dont work out, we should consider time apart for a while. I don't want to live half a marriage. He worries the children will be devastated and neither of us want to be part time parents. I don't know, maybe i'm overthinking.

I can't talk to anyone about this in real life.

The only reason why i'm posting is therapy for me

Anyway i've texted him reassuring him I still love him and he's replied similarly, but in my heart I know its not how i want him to love me.

Right well i need to distract myself, got dinner to prepare for later, housework to do, a 4year to entertain and swimming lessons to go to. Busy busy eh?

PS. We know two other couples (friends of ours) who have split up over the last year, one due to an inability to have kids. I said to my DH that with or without kids, marriages can break. I questioned whether these two splits have made him question our marriage, he confirmed they did, but he didn't realise it till recently.

balletshoes

You are right bailey, life is a great big rollercoaster. You and your OH are in a big dip right now, but I think its a really positive step forward for both of you that your OH is willing to go to therapy with you to try and fix at least some of the problem. So many couples would consider giving up, and both of you are still working at it.

The dynamics within all marriages/long term relationships change as we change/our lives change. It can't stay the same, and shouldn't stay the same.

Good luck to the both of you, I actually think, despite this "dip" that you sound like a strong couple.

Mojisola

Deleted_User wrote: »

We are seeing a sex therapist for the first time through the NHS on thursday. DH is hoping that will help us get back to life sexually pre-kids (if that's possible). He had a vesactomy last september which has really affected him in that department, causing him to lose confidence, so to save face doesnt try. I keep trying to reassure him, I can wait. If the sex therapist can help with that, then maybe that will spill over into other areas of our relationship and we can move on.

Obviously you'll have a go at whatever the therapist suggests but starting off by hoping that everything will go back to how it was in the pre-children days may be too optimistic. You're both different people now because of the experiences you've had. Start out by being realistic - you want to move forward to something good that's right for now, not something you're remembering through rose-tinted glasses.

thehappybutterfly

Bailey, I too have similar feelings towards my hubby - I think I just don't fancy him, I know I love him but not perhaps as a wife should love her husband. I think he feels more for me than I do for him but we've not had that converation. You've at least faced up to it. I can't. Not yet. I'm just not ready. What if this is the end? What if we can't recover from it? If I say the words out loud, I can't take them back.

System

Bailey, I too have similar feelings towards my hubby - I think I just don't fancy him

Looks fade. Ideals change over time.

My husband fell in love with my eyes, my ankles and my boobs he told me when he met me 27 years ago. I was 22, still in the first flush of youth if you like. I know he still finds me attractive but not as much. My eyes get wrinkly when i dont drink enough (damned water tablets). My ankles get puffy (because of my bp medication). My boobs, well, ive had another 3 children since we met so they cant be the same either. I am presuming he is still with me for more than looks now i'm 50. Well i hope so anyway.

cazziebo

For what it's worth- I think you are being incredibly brave and honest and what you've written here will be of tremendous spirit and encouragement to others.

Mojisola is probably right - it won't be possible to go back to how things were before. It's quite possible it could be better, and it will certainly be different. Your relationship sounds basically strong, and you're demonstrating a real will to make things work.

And you have given your children incredible respect by addressing this issue and giving it your best shot rather than give up at the first hurdle.

Wishing you all the luck and love in the world.

[Deleted User]

Thank you all, i'm just feeling so sad today, but your posts have lifted me a little.

Actually DH texted me earlier saying he thinks we've got more chance of fixing things since last night.

I really hope so.

floss2

Your DH is right - you do stand more of a chance becasue you are being honest with yourselves and with each other.

Good luck - you've both made a good start.

Spendless

Children ARE exchausting. Young ones especially so. I don't even think your youngest is at f-time school yet? I also think you might have a part-time evening job? Are you able to put some time in for you as a couple? Babysitter for a night out? Grandparents for a weekend away? Even your hubby taking a 1/2 day off work and you going out for breakfast together when kids are at nursery/school.

I have a good friend who has been unable to have children and IVF hasn't worked. In recent years she has been brave enough to acknowledge that at times she does envy me and our other friend having kids, but she also acknowledges that she has been able to base her marriage around purely what her and her husband can and like to do and accepts that if she had had children her marriage would be different to the one she has.

Lunar_Eclipse

Deleted_User wrote: »

Actually DH texted me earlier saying he thinks we've got more chance of fixing things since last night.

That made me well up! I really, really think you can get through this.

DH & I have been together for almost 22 years, married for 13. Our children are slightly older. As well as life being a roller coaster, I would say that marriage is. I have only come to recognise this recently. Children can be the biggest energy drainer. They certainly have been for us, some friends say the reverse: oh how I wish!

I think all the signs indicate you're in a dip. People say the 1st and 7th years of marriage (relationships?) are hardest and that couples with children under 7 (ish, I forget!) are also at highest risk (sleep/energy deprivation?), before the empty nest syndrome stage.

My advice is to keep talking and being honest, but kind to each other. It sounds like you've caught this early and have sought out professional help which is very encouraging.

The only other thing I would recommend, from experience, is a weekly date night. Every Friday evening, DH & I have some quality time together. They tend to be at home (due to babysitting plus cinema/dinner costs), but it helps to have dedicated couple time. If you can grab a weekend together annually as well, I'd highly recommend it. We haven't had one for 3 years, we decided last night that we're really feeling the need for another!

Good luck. Life is hard, but everything worth anything is worth fighting for.

My final thought, which you'll probably love or hate, is that happiness is a state of mind.

vixarooni

I think the fact you have both had a good chat, shared the same feelings and are both going to therapy says it all. I think you both know life has just got in the way of your marriage and you have both realised before its too late.

I'm pretty sure you'll work through this and everything will be fine, maybe not the same as before, but different in a good way.

All the best