fighting step daughters

Carl31

I think we need help, my step daughters, aged 9 and 10 fight constantly, from when they get up, until they go to bed. its about everything and anything. my other half is at the end of her tether and punishment, reasoning with them or anything doesnt seem to work. to top it off they shout and answer back and pull faces behind our backs.

outside the home, at school, when they go friends we're told what little angels theyre are , so i know its not behaviour problems or the way we raise them, i would say im a pretty strict parent, fair, but firm.

anyone got any suggestions before the family falls apart?

balletshoes

omg you could have been my parents 35 years ago :rotfl:!

just shut the door on them and let them get on with it - they're doing it to get a reaction - from anyone. My sisters and I used to fight like cats and dogs, shout, bawl at each other etc etc. We were a lot better behaved outside our house, its typical sibling stuff sounds like.

Do neither of you, as their parents/step-parents, have siblings close in age to you? Can you not relate?

eta - we would never dare to pull faces, shout at our parents etc, because we would be punished (and I mean hit). Do you guys shout at them when they're playing up? Maybe try to stop doing that, see if that makes a difference. If you lower your voice so they have to stop roaring to hear you, that might make them stop and diffuse the situation. (I'm suggesting this because I'm guilty of shouting occasionally at my DD when she's not doing as she's told, and it only makes things worse, as neither of us are listening to each other when we're shouting).

Carl31

balletshoes wrote: »

omg you could have been my parents 35 years ago :rotfl:!

just shut the door on them and let them get on with it - they're doing it to get a reaction - from anyone. My sisters and I used to fight like cats and dogs, shout, bawl at each other etc etc. We were a lot better behaved outside our house, its typical sibling stuff sounds like.

Do neither of you, as their parents/step-parents, have siblings close in age to you? Can you not relate?

eta - we would never dare to pull faces, shout at our parents etc, because we would be punished (and I mean hit). Do you guys shout at them when they're playing up? Maybe try to stop doing that, see if that makes a difference. If you lower your voice so they have to stop roaring to hear you, that might make them stop and diffuse the situation. (I'm suggesting this because I'm guilty of shouting occasionally at my DD when she's not doing as she's told, and it only makes things worse, as neither of us are listening to each other when we're shouting).

I grew up with a brother and sister, we never fought. Maybe very occasionally, this is constant.

I dont shout, i dont hit, i try to reason and punish by making them lose privellidges, but they dont care. I think im a bit soft at times compared to other parents, maybe thats it? Im firm but not aggresive with it. My other half tends to shout, but thats usually because shes at the end of her tether.

I cant ignore it, it follows me round the house!

CH27

Invest in some earplugs & pick your battles.
Siblings squabble. It's the rules:rotfl:

Caroline_a

I agree, my oldest girls were under 2 years apart, and fought most of the time. I countered this (and particularly the 'Muuuuuuuuum, she did this/she did that...' wail) by punishing both of them for any bad behaviour, despite most of the time it had to be one or the other of them starting it! Now that they're grown up, they tell me that I was absolutely right to do that!

balletshoes

yep, just like Caroline, my parents would punish all 3 of us when the fighting and the bickering got too much. I agree, its the right thing to do, as it encourages both of them to curb their enthusiasm for fighting with each other.

gibson123

I have 4 sisters and we all fought with each other (including physical fights), my parents would punish everyone involved in the fight. I agree this is the way to go.

Sambucus_Nigra

Remove everything from their rooms tonight and let them have one thing back each week they don't fight. If it happens again, remove everything from their rooms and let them have one thing back each week they don't fight. Repeat ad nauseum.

fabforty

I'm in the 'leave them to get on with it' camp. They need to learn to resolve their differences between themselves, otherwise you and your partner will spend a lot of years playing referee. Being sisters, and being so close in age, things are going to get worse before they get better - (wait until those hormones kick in) - better let them figure out how to get along now.

Caroline_a

If it's any consolation at all, my girls are now really close now that they're adults. I think that by punishing them both, it made me the 'enemy' :rotfl: so forged a strong bond between them.

Mojisola

Carl31 wrote: »

my step daughters, aged 9 and 10 fight constantly, from when they get up, until they go to bed. its about everything and anything. my other half is at the end of her tether and punishment, reasoning with them or anything doesnt seem to work. to top it off they shout and answer back and pull faces behind our backs.

I couldn't put up with this. My home is a haven and I couldn't live with constant squabbling. It's too stressful!

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Remove everything from their rooms tonight and let them have one thing back each week they don't fight. If it happens again, remove everything from their rooms and let them have one thing back each week they don't fight. Repeat ad nauseum.

This is a good start.

I would also ban them from being in the same room to start with. If they come together and don't fight, then they can stay. As soon as trouble starts, they would be separated again.

All good things have to be earned with good behaviour - clubs, computers, games, etc.

You need to be really strict and totally determined in the short term.

They can behave because others have told you so. They need to learn to do it at home as well as when away.