diet pills - help?

heartbreak_star

I'm so sorry to read your story, but please listen to the people who are telling you it's not your fault. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time - you have done nothing wrong.

Bit of tough love now - of course you have an eating disorder. You are controlling your food intake as you feel like you have lost control of everything else in your life, and as someone who is still recovering from bulimia and is BMI-obese I know of which I speak - just because you aren't a bag of bones doesn't mean you don't have an eating disorder. The good news is there is lots of help, you can get better, the nasty effects of the pills can be reversed, and you can be happy and healthy again. While you are feeling this bad about yourself your attacker still has a hold over you in a way.

You need to see your GP, and fast. The best thing you can do is get some help, break free, and rebuild your happiness. Then YOU have won.

I wish you the very best and lots of love!

HBS x

fluffnutter

Oh lovey, when the professionals hear your story their hearts are going to bleed for you; they're not going to laugh!

Trust me, all of this is part of the PTSD that you've understandably developed following your terrible ordeal. You're already doing the bravest thing possible by seeking treatment. Once this is underway you can start tackling all the problems that this horrendous attack has created.

If you're really struggling in the meantime, how about going back to your GP and seeing if you can expedite your referral for counselling?

Out of interest has the rapist been charged and the case been to court? This can be very important in helping you move on.

hazyjo

Have you ever heard an anorexic man/woman say they're skinny? Nope, they all think they're still fat. We don't know your weight or height so can't really comment. The weight loss will become less noticeable as you would have lost weight.

The views you have about yourself are now completely skewed and someone has to help you through this.

You have taken a very brave step in even posting this thread - you know it's a problem and you are asking for help. You say you don't want to stop, but you do say you know you have a problem.

The man that raped you did not do it because of your body. Nobody can 'tempt' a man into that by doing anything, it's something 'unwired' in their head. Whatever he said, he said for his own pleasure. Not to compliment you, you could have been 20 stone or 80 years old if he was 'into' that... but, as said above, you were in the wrong place at the wrong time. You have/had a nice body and that's where you're fixing the blame. Got naff all to do with that. I hope you meet a wonderful man who loves your body whatever it looks like - for all the right reasons. Hard as that sounds now, it's something I truly hope you will come to accept and want to hear from someone you love.

The grief and violation you have felt has to find a way of coming out. You are using food as a way to gain some sort of 'control'. It's a natural reaction. You initially turned to it by overeating, then maybe even exercise, now withholding food and controlling your weight.

You have to gain that control in another way.

Not giving 'medical advice', just cannot read all the above without saying something. Nobody deserves to go through what you went through. It's horrendous. My ex's niece went through it. Just awful. But you can gain strength through other channels. You have to start letting this out in other ways - talk to whoever you can. Are there online groups you can chat with anonymously if you don't want to go along to anything in the flesh? Please talk to others who've been through it. One day, you might feel strong enough to channel that control into helping others through similar things.

Stay strong. You can and will get through this.

Hugs,

Jx

heartbreak_star

Hazyjo, what an awesome post!

HBS x

justalittlepill

Thank you. I am reading and appreciate all the replies and advice.

I know what happened wasn't my fault, but it doesn't make those thoughts go away.

By no medical advice, I meant advice about coming off the pills because it may get the thread closed.

hazyjo

Might sound like a silly question, but do you have a pet (dog/cat)? Would you think about getting one?

Nobody's going to tell you what to do, or what not to do. You will have to make that decision for yourself.

People do understand why you're doing it. You yourself know that you want to change your body from that night. You tried one extreme, and are now trying the other. Deep down, you know even if you were 26 stone, or 6 stone, your feelings would stay the same.

Nobody likes seeing another human being hurting. I know someone else (extremely close male friend) who went through the most horrific things (raped by immediate family along with other things) - he's still fighting a 20-year old drugs battle (clean for over 3 months and adamant it's not part of his life any more), another with a lifelong battle against anorexia - and then I've got other friends who've had their battles against other things like cancer - all with similar reactions.

I've self harmed with 'scratches' (when I should've been older and wiser, not as a teenager) and I know how hard it is to stop reacting to pain, stress, hurt by hurting or damaging yourself more. It's like you want something physical to shout 'LOOK, THIS IS HOW MUCH I'M HURTING, OKAY?' - yet it's a silent protest. Some of it's about control. You inflict it on yourself for whatever reason.

I know it's easy for someone else to give opinions, advice, make suggestions... and if I was in your shoes, I know I'd probably react in different ways - alcohol, cutting/scratching, doing ridiculous things that I'd never do normally (taking ridiculous risks/putting myself in vulnerable situations). We all react differently to grief, tragedy, violation in any form... but I do know that I'd not want to live that rest of my life in that way. I hope you have your 'lightbulb moment' sooner rather than later, but in the meantime, please talk to others who've been through it. Get some of the grief outside rather than inside.

Sorry, I'll shut up now. I know you're not asking to hear all this, but we need you to accept what you're doing is a reaction to what happened to you.

Nobody blames you for what you're doing, I'm sure a lot still think you're handling it in your way and respect that to a certain degree, hoping it won't get any more serious, nobody's ordering you to do (or not do) anything - you'll do it in your own good time. But the longer you leave it, the longer it'll control you rather than you controlling it.

My friend now has a drugs battle for the rest of his life with weekly NA meetings, and the other won't eat over a ridiculously low amount of calories each day and has a lifelong battle with anorexia. Obviously nobody can wave a magic wand or take your pain away, or anything else miraculous - but there are experts who can help you understand why you're reacting in your own personal way to what happened - and there are so so many people who've been through it and need/want to talk about their emotions or just connect with someone. I'm sure it wouldn't be a case of hearing everyone's 'story', it's just being friends with someone, or a group, albeit online if that's the case, who has/have that understanding of pain in the very core of them that others don't.

Wishing you all the best,

Jx

Racheldevon

Hi,

Please go to your GP, they're bound by a code of ethics and professional guidelines - as are other professionals, whether it's the GMC, BACP/UKCP, HPC etc - no one is going to laugh at you.

Also take a look at the Rape Crisis Services available http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk/centres.php who deal with both recent and historically sexual violence/abuse/rape, and offer a range of services including face to face and telephone support.

But yuor GP is a good first port of call for addressing the addiction to the pills, I would suggest you ask for a referral to a clinical psychologist rather than a counsellor.