Wedding Quandry.....

vintagebrighton

Just looking for a bit of perspective I guess so here goes....

DD2 is getting married in August to his lovely gf. They've been together 6 years, since they were kids really..... Gf's a lovely girl who I thought I got on well with. They come round for meals sometimes, we go round to theirs when invited etc so all hunky dorey

Anyway, we don't have any money (was gonna say we don't have much money but that would be an exaggeration) so I try and do what I can for people practically - ie when they moved a couple of months ago I went and helped with their end of tenancy cleaning, stuff like that. They started preparing for their wedding 18months before and we've always known it's a 'home made' affair. Gf wants it personal and DS wants it cheap without it being cheap looking ~ fair enough!

Gf's mum's made her dress and lot's of other things. Gf's made bunting and decorations etc etc. I've done nothing I've asked, I've tried to get involved, I've asked again. I've offered with specifics ie table decorations. I've let it be known that I can bake, crochet, knit, sew etc. Still nothing.

Is this usual? Gf's mother and her family are involved with everything and DS is happy to let them get on with it. Should I do that too? I must admit to being a bit hurt about it but on the other hand I don't want to be pushy, I'm not that sort of person. It is making me think about what will happen in the future though should they have children.. will I get left out then?

I'm wondering whether or not to approach them again although I don't want to be found something to do just to shut me up

What would you do ~ leave it or persist? There's only 4 months to go!

LandyAndy

I would let the bride's family get on with it. My first wife's mother did all the planning for our wedding.

I certainly don't think you should draw any conclusions between this and any relationship with possible grandchildren.

mummybearx

I would leave it.

TBH my DH's parents done nothing for our wedding, my dad helped pay for things, my sisters and brother helped pay for things. DH's sister paid for something as well.

DH's dad handed us £100 cash on the wedding day which was very gratefully received by us (not saying you should do this, it was a really nice and unexpected gift!)

It's normally the bride and her family that organise things. Even if you are close to your son and his finacee, I'm extremely close to my MIL, but the wedding was about me and my family x

Sorry, the wedding was about me and my DH, I'm not that type of bride :rotfl:

thorsoak

If I were in your shoes, I think I might phone up GF's mum and ask if there was anything that she needed an extra pair of hands for ......that if there was, that you'd be only too happy to help!

It sounds as if they are trying to do it in the "traditional" - bride's family does the wedding - sort of way!

tanith

It does seem to be like that with weddings one side does most of the stuff.. my grandsons wedding has been much the same as the brides family are paying for it mostly they are pretty much deciding and planning it with not much imput from the groom or family. I wouldn't take it personally , you've offered your help but it seems they prefer to keep control of things. Your son sounds like my grandson he too is happy not to have to get involved as its led to arguments with his fiancee in the past so he's just letting her do it 'her way', although she has had to put her Mum in her place a few times about exactly 'whose' wedding it is?.. maybe your future dil has a pushy Mum too..

MrsManda

It is usually the bride and her family who do everything so it's unlikely that they're trying to freeze you out.
Have you spoken to your son to see if there's anything he's been asked to do that you could help with? You could ask him to pass on a message to his gf that if anything needs doing that you'd be happy to help but otherwise I'd leave it.

My MIL didn't have much to do with my wedding as I organised it pretty much by myself with input from my OH.

If you're feeling at a loose end you could start thinking of a potential wedding present - MIL did a lovely big cross-stitch and got it framed as a present for us. You could make a throw or a photo album or cushions all depending on what the couple like.
One of our most treasured wedding gifts was a handmade photo album into which we put our wedding photos.

lika_86

It's probably just that weddings and details tend to be more a girl thing, men sort of go along with it but at the end of the day most of them are told to turn up and to wear a suit and that's about the limit of their involvement, girls obsess about the dress and the details etc so probably normal that she's doing it with her mum or whatever, maybe offer to take her for lunch or something and ask her about plans and make a direct one on one offer then. Don't be offended though, she probably just hasn't thought about you wanting to get involved (other than as a polite offer).

betti911

I didn't involve my MIL in our wedding preparations either, not because I didn't like her or respect her opinion, but there was no need as knew what I wanted. My mum and dad paid for it and therefore my mum helped me organise it.

Now that you have offered to help I would just let the happy couple get on with it and just relax and enjoy the day when it comes.

Taadaa

I agree with what has been said, l didn't involve my MIL - although l don't get on with her, l figured this was an opportunity to involve my mum and she would gwt het chance when her daughter gets married. They did make the cake though as they offered, and made a pigs ear of it. And made two when l said one would be llenty. Getting off track now, still irritated by that clearly...anyway maybe call one more time but after that leave it. Otherwise you might start to get on her nerves.

Birdie85

Try not to take it too personally, some brides are just organised and like to keep everything between them and their Mums. Perhaps she's worried that if she gives you a job to do she'll find it difficult to ensure that whatever you make matches exactly what she has in mind, it's a lot easier to tell your own Mum who you want everything than your MIL for fear of hurt feelings!

You sound very crafty and caring, use the time to make them a wonderful unique wedding present that they can treasure, it'll last longer than a contribution to the wedding too!

bylromarha

Bless you - I get where you're coming from.

When [STRIKE]I[/STRIKE] we were prepping [STRIKE]my[/STRIKE] our wedding, despite having a good relationship with my MIL to be at that time, I never viewed her like a mum. If mum had not quite done wedding prep to my requirements, I'd have felt comfortable talking it through with mum so she could amend it.

Had MIL helped and gone a bit off kilter, I'd not have felt comfortable asking her to redo/replace etc, so I'd have put up with it on my wedding day thinking, not quite what I wanted.

Now 13 years on, I still have a pretty good relationship with MIL, she has as much time with kids as my mum, but she still doesn't feel like my mum. Don't think she ever will. So think its a mum/daughter girl thing, not a you thing.

Most husbands to be don't care too much about the day and wouldn't understand how people (women) can feel excluded as they just don't think that way themselves, so don't understand where anyone is coming from that can feel that way!

I'd go with the above advice of ringing the other mum and offering your services directly. But don't let it spoli your enjoyment of the day and the lead up should they not take you up on your offer.

All the best.