Sister and husband separated after a long marriage.

justaquestion

Hi folks,

My sister and her husband have separated after a long marriage. My other brother and sisters as well as separated sister keep in touch with me but not one of them has even mentioned the break up.

Would like to reassure every one that I'm not a gossip or anything like that, or dont want or need the gorey details of it, but it would have been a bit nice just to make a passing reference to it and then drop the subject.

Some of the family have asked me to do a few things for them which I was happy to help out with but I feel as if they have a little clique amongst themselves and only using ne when it suits them, but not willing to take me into their confidence.

Anyways another family member did mention it to me, but warned me not to say that he told me.

it is getting a bit difficult for me to listen to my sister who's marriage has broken up more than willing to start advising me about how to bring up my children when she wants to keep this aspect of her life quiet-a big secret.

Its reached the stage now where I have virtually fallen out with soem of the family about other things partly because of this confidence thing.

Am I totally wrong here or do I have a point?

Justin

desert_rose

Families can get embarrassed when things go 'wrong', within relationships and sometimes, they feel its best not to mention the obvious because it draws attention to those preceived failings within the family. Most families believe that they're morally upright, responsible, hard-working, pillars off the community - so evidence to suggest the opposite doesn't go down very well with assorted members.

I'd take a less indignant attitude here. Stop being so judgemental and try a bit more sympathy and support for your sibling. You may find that your siblings aren't mentioning any of what's going on to you because they know that you're going to pass comment and take a less than understanding view of events.

Finally, why not just say to your sibling how sorry you are that events have turned out as they have....and is there anything that you can do to help.

meritaten

Only one thing to do Justin - talk to your sister! just you and her - its the only way you can understand how SHE feels - and she can understand how YOU feel!

and Justin - any conversation should be preceeded by a hug and a 'I love you - youre my sis!' that way sis will be more inclined to tell you the truth!

Person_one

I thought this was going to be about your concerns for your sister's wellbeing as she goes through a tough time.

You'd probably be better off thinking about that, to be honest.

pinkclouds

justaquestion wrote: »

it would have been a bit nice just to make a passing reference to it and then drop the subject.

Absolutely. When exactly was your sister planning on telling you that you no longer have a brother[-in-law]? When your kids want to call/Skype their uncle? When you visit the house? When you send a birthday card? When she returns the Christmas gifts?

However, it depends on when this happened and how close you are. If you email once a month and this happened a few weeks ago then maybe it wasn't a high priority for her. If you touch base every other day or every few days and this happened a few months ago then it's really poor form. Her divorce affects the whole family, not just her and her husband (and kids?) so I expect her to communicate the news - herself or via a third party (not a "ssh, you didn't hear it from me" gossip). I also really hope that her husband isn't the sort to decide staying in touch with previously allegedly dear people is "too difficult" or that he was only willing to be godfather to so-and-so while he was married, etc. Divorces can be awful and the effects can be far-reaching.

The rest of your family are a totally separate issue. This is your sister's news for her to communicate. If she's only told a select few or told them not to tell you then that's all her, not them, and not something to fall out with them about.

VfM4meplse

justaquestion wrote: »

it is getting a bit difficult for me to listen to my sister who's marriage has broken up more than willing to start advising me about how to bring up my children when she wants to keep this aspect of her life quiet-a big secret.

This is the most telling sentence. OP, unfortunately I think that you're still considered to be the baby of the family rather than a grown man!

justaquestion

Thanks for replies. yes we all live quite near. Separation was about 6 mths ago Of course I would be sympathetic and give her support ....but ...I am not supposed to know!

As a matter of fact the only reason I was told was because the family member had a axe to grind with her-long story!

Without trying to pass judgement, my sister is more of the gossipy kind herself, and I am wise enough not to ask about her husband because I know that would be very hurtful to her.

I suppose in many ways at times I may have been considered the black sheep, but I still feel hurted by the regular visitors of the family who would not even drop the slightest hint.

I thank you all for your heklpful advice as I know it is very difficult thing to do. It is very awkard to talk to somebody knowing what you know but not supossed to, and even though I know she is experiencing much pain, I feel a certian amount of hurt that she felt I was a liability to confide in.

thanks again
justin

faerie~spangles

Speak to your sister yourself.

Offer support.

Do not mention anything that other members of the family have said.

74jax

justaquestion wrote: »

Thanks for replies. yes we all live quite near. Separation was about 6 mths ago

thanks again
justin

What happened at Christmas or New Year? Could you maybe pop round with Easter eggs and casually ask where he is or say you noticed he was left off the Christmas card etc you didn't want to mention it but it's Easter now and you're worried.

pinkshoes

Stop drawing your own conclusions and phone/visit your sister, offer her support, and tell her you feel sad she couldn't telll you something like that.

GobbledyGook

Could it be as simple as they don't realise you haven't been 'officially' told? If it's something that your sister doesn't want talked about then perhaps they all think that everyone else knows.