Hen do abroad - am I unreasonable?

MrsDrink

I definitely don't think you are being unreasonable - but you've definitely given me something to think about!!

I'm not having a hen do. I'm having a day of pampering with my best friend the weekend before the wedding to get me in tip top shape for the wedding. It won't be cheap. I've got us booked in for our hair (me - cut and colour; her - cut) about 60 mins drive from where I live (at my usual hair dressers), then we're off to get our nails done (both hands and feet) and a body scrub at my local spa, then we're off to my fave restaurant for tea, about 30 mins drive away from my house. In total it'll be around £100-150 each. And now we come to the bit that you've made me question... because this is what I really want - a day of girly pamperingness with my best friend, I have said I will pay for it, and haven't given it any more thought. In my head since I'm not giving her a choice (other than asking what treatments she'd like) therefore I should be willing to pay. In the same way that if I was having her as a bridesmaid and I wanted her to wear a specific dress I would be paying for that. But now you've got me worrying that she might be offended that a) I want to spend money on this and b) that I'm over imposing on her what we're going to be doing. (And now I'm waffling).

Bloody weddings - far too stressful!! Let's call the whole thing off

*miaomiao*

I'm not having a hen do. Not only do I understand that it will cost my friends a lot of money to attend my wedding (travel + hotel, possibly a gift if they would like to give one but not expected), but that's just it: it's my wedding and therefore not other people's financial expense, hen and stag dos included.

I think it can be rude to ask people to spend money on a weekend away or abroad, or even a meal, when they can't or don't want to afford it at whatever amount. Another friend is getting married this year and my partner has been invited to the stag do where they asked him to take a day off work, drive a long distance across the country, spend 3 days doing activities and hotel + pub nites + food for 3 days. And that still doesn't include what it will cost us to attend their wedding. I'm sorry, but this sort of thing has lost the plot. What's wrong with down the pub the night before? It should be about seeing your friends (unless you are all minted)!!

johannalf88

Many peoples friends don't all live in the same area. I have friends/ relations in Bournemouth, Cardiff, London, and Sheffield. What pub should I suggest?! :rotfl:

I think in 'the olden days' (no offence meant here) people travelled less, therefore friends were nearby. Now people are more spread out. If people are travelling I would have thought people would want to make it worthwhile. I wouldn't want to travel all that way for a night at the pub, would for the weekend...

Just my thoughts for what they are worth!

wanchai_2

I agree totally *miaomiao*! It's got so out of hand. I wouldn't even bother with an overnight stay except that it was very cheap, and also halfway between where we all live. And all my friends insisted that they want to have a hen do for me, we've had one for everyone else.

But yes, it's important to be considerate and keep costs down for those who do go. The last hen do I went to, we didn't go away overnight but still spent £140 each on a swanky restaurant meal, cocktails in the dearest bar around and entry to a nightclub + £12 each for champagne as we were in the 'VIP' bit (essentially they just reserve you a table) and then more drinks. Bl00dy total rip-off! I was pretty annoyed about it afterwards.

*although I am glad that hen/stags no longer tend to happen the night before the wedding! :rotfl:

Birdie85

Mrs Drink, I don't think you need to worry, you're paying for it and if your friend didn't want be spend the day being pampered I'm sure she'd have tried to put you off! Can't imagine why someone wouldn't want to be looked after all day, sounds like bliss! If you'd booked it all then said you want your friend to pay, then you'd maybe need to rethink, but as it is I think that your friend is lucky to have been chosen to share a lovely (and free for her!) day with you!

The same friend whom I mentioned in my previous post booked a nail technician the night before her wedding (all the bridesmaids were staying over) and a make-up artist for the day... then informed us that we were to pay for these 'treats' to the tune of £50! I made my excuses and did my own nails and make-up!

I agree that the costs are getting out of hand, I've been fairly lucky in that the Hen parties I've been invited on haven't been stupidly priced/ too far to travel (except the one I had to refuse!) but it's a different story for the men; OH went to Spain last year and is going to Berlin in 2 months, with another trip still to be confirmed to Spain later in the year. These trips are costing him in the region of £200-300 a time and I really don't know how long he can keep it up, it feels like every Stag Do has to out-do the last. The minute someone suggests Vegas I'll be wading in and refusing on his behalf!

wanchai_2

Yes, I agree - MrsD's friend probably thinks herself very lucky!

OMG Birdie, arranging nails/makeup/whatever without asking people and then telling them that they've got to pay is the HEIGHT of rudenesss!!!!!!!!! :eek: No way will I be asking my BM to pay for anything like that!

fawny

MrsD what a wonderful lady you are, doing that & paying for your friend, i'm sure you will have a wonderful time & so will your friend.

Regarding Stag do's I have the other problem, my OH really does not want one, say he will just go out with the boys one night while we are in Rhodes. The problem is some of the people coming to the wedding & others that are not really want him to have one & keep asking him to which he say he's not intrested. Now I have the Best Man & my BM's husband emailing me saying they think he should have one & should they just do one for him:eek: I really think he will hate this & i'm trying to tell them to leave it but they really want to have one for him, even if it's just a lads night out. I wish he'd have one then I can have my friends over for a girly weekend:D

Cleverclogs

Like others have said, I really don't think you have anything to worry about Mrs Drink!

But now you've got me worrying that she might be offended that a) I want to spend money on this and b) that I'm over imposing on her what we're going to be doing. (And now I'm waffling).

I think what you are doing for your friend sounds lovely and will be a real treat for the both of you. The main reason I declined the offer of having my friend's fiance pay my way was because I don't know him very well (definitely not well enough to take money from him that I can't afford to pay back!) and the fact he said that we should keep it a secret from my friend and from MY fiance. Both of which made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. It was an entirely different situation from what you have organised. But then my friend's OH is planning on a stag do to Vegas - regardless of the fact his best man can't afford it - so I think maybe both of them need a bit of a reality check!

I totally agree that the cost of hen & stag dos can get wildly out of control and although I haven't been on many, I've had conversations with a lot of friends about tensions that have arisen from the expectation they'd be willing to pay in excess of £200 for a weekend away. I've tried hard to ensure mine is good value for money and I know I have a friend who can't make it as she's pregnant & saving cash, which I totally understand - I haven't pressurised her at all - and we will meet up separately and go for a drink/meal in the weeks leading up to the wedding. No big deal!

I'm not against lavish dos - I just think B2Bs need to accept not all can afford it and be understanding of that fact. After all, it's the PEOPLE that are important!

SUESMITH_2

stag and hen dos used to be a night round town having a drink, when did it become essential to spend a small (or large in some cases) fortune on all this?

a friend of mine felt bad because she was a bridesmaid and didn't go on the hen do - it cost £450! for crying out loud.

MrsDrink

fawny wrote: »

Now I have the Best Man & my BM's husband emailing me saying they think he should have one & should they just do one for him:eek:

Oh my - a surprise stag do - definitely :eek: and it would really annoy me if anyone gave me a surprise hen do - as it would go totally against all my wishes!! Actually I think I may become a hermit and refuse to attend any social events between now and the wedding just incase :rotfl:

Thank you all for reassuring me!! Silly bride wobbles! And definitely daft cause the friend is clearly capable of telling me she wouldn't like it - she's my closest friend after all! I'm sure this won't be my only wobble... (let's not even go near shoegate :rotfl:).

And clevercloggs sorry for stealing your thread lol. xx