Hen do abroad - am I unreasonable?

bombini

I don't think you have done anything wrong.

I have to say that I think what her OH did is incredibly sweet ! She obviously thinks a lot of you if he is prepared to do that.

Im getting married in 6 weeks and have yet to have my hen party but I choose a budget night out and I have had a couple of people say they can't afford it (£40) which has bothered me as it is a small amount. What really got my back up is that the people that said they can't afford it are all over facebook posting about getting cars valeted , nights out, new clothes etc. So obviously not skint as they claimed.

Skintski

bombini wrote: »

I don't think you have done anything wrong.

I have to say that I think what her OH did is incredibly sweet ! She obviously thinks a lot of you if he is prepared to do that.

Im getting married in 6 weeks and have yet to have my hen party but I choose a budget night out and I have had a couple of people say they can't afford it (£40) which has bothered me as it is a small amount. What really got my back up is that the people that said they can't afford it are all over facebook posting about getting cars valeted , nights out, new clothes etc. So obviously not skint as they claimed.

That would annoy me. I had friends do that to me on my 30th birthday. They went on a shopping spree during the day on the date of my party and then said they didn't have the money for fuel in the evening to get there and back ( all of about £25, everything else was paid for by me) I was gutted.

To the OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable, stick to your guns and provided you are honest with her she should understand if she's a real friend.

RainbowDrops

OP - I totally understand your decision, why should you spend more on someone elses hen than your own honeymoon?

On the flipside, I think it was very sweet of your friend's OH to offer to pay for you to go on the hen do. He obviously loves her very much & doesn't want her to be sad because one of her friends cant make the holiday.

wanchai_2

Cleverclogs - you are not being AT ALL unreasonable. She should choose something that everyone can afford (and be sensitive to her friends' financial circumstances) or accept the fact that fewer people will be able to go if it's expensive. I bet that some of those who are going are privately grumbling about spending all that money on a hen do!!

I have also been very careful to make sure my hen do is cheap and cheerful, and I'm happy that everyone can make it. I want them all to enjoy it, not feel bad if they can't go or resentful about the cost!

BTW, I think your friend's OH had good intentions but I can also understand why you said no.

bombini wrote: »

I don't think you have done anything wrong.

I have to say that I think what her OH did is incredibly sweet ! She obviously thinks a lot of you if he is prepared to do that.

Im getting married in 6 weeks and have yet to have my hen party but I choose a budget night out and I have had a couple of people say they can't afford it (£40) which has bothered me as it is a small amount. What really got my back up is that the people that said they can't afford it are all over facebook posting about getting cars valeted , nights out, new clothes etc. So obviously not skint as they claimed.

Yes, that's really galling.

Cleverclogs

Thanks all for the responses. I think I knew I wasn't being unreasonable but it's nice to have it reaffirmed. I'm definitely not splashing the cash anywhere else in my life at the moment and even our wedding has been mainly DIY to try & avoid costs spiralling.

If her hen do is soon if it were me I'd buy a little token gift for her Hen do such as "bride to be" flip flops or similar and just say you wanted her to have something as you couldn't be with her but as you said you'd do something nearer the time.

Thanks for this idea Becs - it's a really good one so I'll definitely do that.

And with all the other things I have to worry about at the moment, I think I will choose to worry less about this one!

Birdie85

It is such a shame when this happens, I was caught out in a similar situation last year and felt terrible. I was a bridesmaid for my friend, who was well aware that I was skint, having just got married myself and trying to save for my honeymoon, but she ignored that fact (and that some of her other friends were similarly poor) and booked a very expensive weekend 'Glamping'. Even though it wasn't abroad, it was working out at about £350 once we'd taken all the extras into account (to essentially go camping for 2 nights!) and I just couldn't afford that. It did cause some awkwardness, and TBH even now she's a bit off with me. I don't dwell on it too much though, if she's going to spoil a friendship because I've not got hundreds of pounds stashed away to spend on a weekend away then she can't be that good a friend!

I did make an effort to make up for my absence though and 2 weeks before the wedding threw her a surprise party where I invited all the girls who couldn't make the weekend away and we drank, played games and had a brilliant time. It looked more fun than the photos of her expensive hen weekend as it was all about the people present and the effort we went to to make it a special night for her.

I think that as long as you make some effort to give her some kind of Hen treat (a present for the weekend away/ organise a party or meal nearer the time/ a spa day for the 2 of you etc) then you can carry on with a clear conscience that you've done the right thing for your friend and yourself.

minerva_windsong

Not unreasonable at all. I'm nowhere near getting married yet but I have told my best mate, who will be my bridesmaid, that when/if I do the main thing is that my hen be affordable (although I have also mentioned other things I'd like, and things I really do not want, but the ultimate decisions will be up to her). I would much rather have all the people there who I want there and have the hen in my back garden, than have all the trimmings but only a few people could come. It's nice of her fiance to offer to pay for you, but I can fully understand not wanting to accept that offer if you don't want to, for whatever reasons.

I agree with the getting her a small token gift for the hen in Spain and then doing something together closer to the time.

Idiophreak wrote: »

Am I missing something? Since when did brides organise their own hen do anyway? I thought that was the bridesmaid's job?

So what should you do if you haven't got/don't want bridesmaids, but still want to celebrate with your friends and family? Not criticising, just curious...

fawny

Hi,

I agree with everything that has been said, it's a lot of money for a hen weekend & esp when it's that far in advance. My BM is currently planning mine & keeping the costs down so to include everyone. We are going to a spa for the afternoon & then for a meal & staying over night & I beleive it costing everyone around £110, thats the spa, hotel & meal ok so I know drinks are on top but it's not too bad. It means that one friend who budget is tight is just coming for the meal as it's not too far for her so at least she can join in & have fun with us. Another friend in arriving late afternoon as doesn't want the spa & then having the meal & staying over so i'm happy with that. If she is a true friend she will understand why you can't come.

Brightside

As brides now do more of the organisation for a wedding i think a lot of bridesmaids take on the hen do organisation to help out the bride.

I'm organising mine as I know exactly what I want, although i'm sure there will be a couple of surprises thrown in along the way.

wanchai_2

My hen do is costing about £60 a head for dinner and an overnight stay in a FAB location plus full breakfast (we got a Groupon deal). We're bringing a few bottles with us for an afternoon picnic by the sea if it's nice. A few bar drinks on top and shared petrol and that's it.

I think that's pretty cheap and everyone who's been asked has been able to afford it. I've been on hen nights in my home town with no accommodation involved that have been dearer than that! Having said that, if anyone couldn't make it, I'd totally understand.