Hen do abroad - am I unreasonable?

Cleverclogs

Apologies, it’s a long one but a bit of advice and reassurance needed please! I get married in less than 8 weeks – eeeek - and my hen party is only a month away. The only criteria I set was that it wasn’t to be too expensive, and it has been carefully crafted so people can come for the whole weekend, or just come to either the Friday/Saturday night if they are watching their pennies! I am now saving for our house deposit, having previously saved for our wedding, and I also have two sisters who are student nurses, so I wanted to make sure it wouldn’t be breaking the bank for those who aren’t exactly flush. It’s more important to me that all my friends are there, rather than where we go!

[FONT=&quot]Now, one of my best friends is also getting married but next year, and she has asked me to be a bridesmaid. However, she has decided to have her hen do 8 months ahead of her wedding, in peak season, in a Spanish resort, and at a cost of approx £400-£450 for 3 nights. I hadn’t budgeted for her hen yet, thinking it would be February time next year (ahead of her April wedding), but at the moment money is hard to come by. We aren’t having a honeymoon and the cost of her hen do is more than our mini-moon after our wedding! I’d like to be there for her, but as horrible as it sounds, my priority is saving to buy our first house. (I am desperate for us to move and both me & my OH are keen to start trying for a family, which he won’t agree to until we’ve bought a house!) When I made the decision not to attend her hen do, it was something I deliberated on over the course of a week, but when it came down to it, there was no way I could justify spending that kind of money on a weekend away. It equates to 2 months worth of deposit savings & I even considered putting it on my credit card but you need to pay off all credit card debt before getting a mortgage so it wasn’t an option. I explained this to my friend before she booked it 2 months ago, and she was understandably disappointed, as was I, and I offered to organise something for her nearer to the wedding as a second hen-do closer to home. She went ahead and booked with 5 other friends, so I thought she understood, and she’d go away & have a good time.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]Things have been a bit strained between us since she booked it, nothing major, just a touch of awkwardness, but I don’t really know what else to say about it other than what I’ve already told her. But then at a drunken evening last weekend to celebrate a mutual friend’s birthday, her fiance thought it would be appropriate to drunkenly raise the subject of the hen do with me and essentially make me feel terrible about my decision not to go. My friend had already left the party by this point, but he said how upset my friend was, how important it was that I was there as a bridesmaid, and he even offered to pay for me to go. I explained my financial situation to him, said I appreciated his generosity but I refused – I didn’t want to take his money (I don’t know him THAT well!) – and I wanted it even less after he said that both my friend and my OH never need know about it!!! Weird.

[/FONT] [FONT=&quot]My friend has come from a very different financial position, as her fiance owned his own house before they met so she moved in with him & hasn’t had to save for a house deposit, and they are very fortunate in that their parents have combined forces to cover the entire cost of their wedding, so they aren’t having to avidly save for that either. So I don’t know whether it is just because she genuinely doesn’t understand where I am coming from when I say I’m saving & I can’t afford it. But now I feel awful about not going – even though I don’t have the money – and I don’t think I should have to keep apologising for it. For me, my hen do is more about the people than the place – and I would have held it in my back garden if it meant that was the only way to have all the important people there – and I have been careful to make mine affordable. I do feel a bit resentful that I have been made to feel terrible about all this, when I have been entirely honest about my finances and what I would be able to afford from the start (and I thought an initial budget of £250, which was more than I could really afford was more than reasonable!). As much as I understand that she wanted me to be there, surely if you go abroad, you have to consider that not everyone will be able to afford it? Or am I being totally unreasonable?!![/FONT]

becs

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If I were your friend the only thing that woud upset me is if I'd seen you splashing money around elsewhere on less important things! May have reason to feel put out then but when you're clearly being strict and watching the pennies for something as important as a house she shoud be the one feeling guilty! If her hen do is soon if it were me I'd buy a little token gift for her Hen do such as "bride to be" flip flops or similar and just say you wanted her to have something as you couldn't be with her but as you said you'd do something nearer the time.

mummyroysof3

stop feeling guilty. what you are aiming for is alot more important than blowing money on a couple of nights away imo

Debbiecatal

becs wrote: »

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. If I were your friend the only thing that woud upset me is if I'd seen you splashing money around elsewhere on less important things! May have reason to feel put out then but when you're clearly being strict and watching the pennies for something as important as a house she shoud be the one feeling guilty! If her hen do is soon if it were me I'd buy a little token gift for her Hen do such as "bride to be" flip flops or similar and just say you wanted her to have something as you couldn't be with her but as you said you'd do something nearer the time.

What becs says - couldn't put it better! Lovely idea to give a present to take with her.

I actually think that when organising hens it's really important to consider the situations of the people you want to come. If it is so important to have you there, why didn't she organise something you could afford? She should be feeling bad, not you!

Brightside

It sounds as though you have been very reasonable to me, in making it clear from the start that you couldn't afford such a hen-do, and offering to organise another one closer to the time.

I hope this doesn't spoil your friendship long term and is just a blip

johannalf88

I don't think that you should feel guilty at all. It sounds as though you put a lot if thought in to it, and it also upsets you that u can't go.



It could be that your friend was really upset (which is understandable) but is holding no grudge against u. Her OH realises she is upset, and tries do to something about it- which actually just makes you feel worse! It may just be a case of someone blunderingly trying to make someone else feel better... I know I have been guilty of that with my OH! I will try anything to cheer him up if something is upsetting him!

Idiophreak

Am I missing something? Since when did brides organise their own hen do anyway? I thought that was the bridesmaid's job?

bride2be2012

OP, no I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think you have been very considerate when organising your hen night, I think it would only be polite for your friend to do the same. And I know where you're coming from with people not understanding that a house deposit is more important than things like a hen night!! I'm having a dinner and a few drinks, as I know that the people I want there will be able to afford that.

Idiophreak, I know a lot of brides who have organised their own hen do. Mine are doing mine, but I have set down ground rules about what I do and do not want, as my bridesmaids were originally talking of a weekend in Amsterdam - that would've meant that literally about 3 people would've been able to make it (taking into account finances and family/work commitments). According to my bridesmaids, now my hen night is going to be 'boring' - but I really don't care what they think TBH!

eleanor73

I don't think you are being unreasonable. However it is a shame as abroad doesn't necessarily mean more expensive and she obv hasn't looked at doing it the cheapest way. I recently went on a hen do in Portugal and it came to £220 including drinks!! Lovely 4* hotel, flight and loads of drinks were free cos it was (slightly) out of season (bar owneres want girls in their bar so free first drink!) Such a shame she didn't do it a bit cheaper and consider all her friends. It sounds like her fiance was just trying to make her happy-bless him.

Brighton_belle

It's not a hen do really - 8 months before the wedding! It's a mates holiday. She's being thoughtless. I bet a month before her wedding she'd enjoy a little something you could organise - the holiday will be long forgotten by then.

74jax

So the bride hasn't said anything to you and you thought all was OK, apart from a little awkwardness, until a conversation by her drunken partner?

I would either discuss with her if she is really upset and try and sort it, or ignore his remarks. But I wouldn't stew over something she didn't even raise with you.