Can u make ur 17 yo leave home?

fluffnutter

I can only echo ska lover's comments. I'm not condoning his behaviour but kids don't go from well-behaved, loving children to terrors overnight for no reason. Why is he suddenly behaving like this? TBH, the lack of washing suggests he might be suffering with MH issues. At the very least he needs help, not censure.

He's only 17, fgs. I know they'll be hundreds of people who were perfectly self-sufficient at that age, and even married with children, but in today's society most 17 year olds are quite immature. When a kid starts acting out, that's when he needs his parents the most!

I'd urge the whole family to get some support and help. Throwing him out when he needs his mum the most could well end up in a downward spiral for him and a fractured relationship for ever. How sad would that be?

Judith_W

It is important to consider the well being of everyone living there and is unfair to guilt the OP into keeping him - it might be screwing up the other children more to keep him than kicking him out.

If he has left college and doesn't intend to go back into education then I think it is more likely to give him a good kick up the butt rather than destroy him - realising how good he has it. There is a massive difference between 15/16 and nearly 18.

I might get shot down for this but would social services or someone get involved to try and do some mediation rather than just kicking him out without trying to resolve the issues?

ekkygirl

There are homeless hostels for young people. I work in one sometimes. The staff do their best to support the young people in these places but the bottom line is the kids are not "ok".The behavior that got them into the hostel in the first place is magnified 10 times when they meet other residents who, for some reason or another, are living there. There are some lovely kids there all have rejection issues and most have a Stepdad. Therein liest the problem.

RazWaz

ska_lover wrote: »

I think that parents should not throw kids out - Unless there is a serious serious reason like violence etc. - apart from the stealing from his mother, and destroying her property, the rest of it is pretty normal teenage stuff. Throwing him out will destroy his life. It may seem easy for me to say all this, as I dont have to live with the lad

People should not wash their hands of their kids when the going gets tough and expect society/the DSS to clear up the mess I am afraid, parenting doesn't end at age 18

I talk with experience on this, as was ejected from the family home at age 15 for a minor misdemenor, and it did destroy my life for some years. To find yourself homeless as a teenager, with no money, no foundation in life, and absolutely no chance of continuing in education is soul destroying and leaving a teenager wide open to be taken advantage of. It took years before I could look my mother in the eye and even though she apologised a few years later,I figured she must have really hated me to have wanted to ruin my life and as a grown adult, she would have realised what she was doing and what would happen. I still wonder what might have been , had I been given the opportunities in life, the education etc before being kicked out on my ear

I beg your friend to not do this, as the lad will resent her forever - and to seek alternative methods of dealing with the lad.I cannot suggest these as I dont know the situation etc other than what you have said. Kicking him out will 100% definately NOT improve his life/oppurtunities for the future

I see that it isnt easy for her living with a teenager like this, and three kids along wtih her disabilities though, so I really do not blame her for feeling like this - a lot of parents threaten it, but do not do it. I myself have a teenage lad now, and know the ups and downs can drive you wild and do empathise with your friend

I ended up being driven out at 17, and although it was bloody scary at first, within 6 months I had turned everything around, finished my college course, moved halfway across the country and started uni. Several of my friends also ended up leaving around the same age and the story is the same for them all. Self-preservation kicks in and you carve a life for yourself pretty damn quickly.

I accept that a 15 year old is different to a 17 year old, and it would be a lot harder to deal with at a younger age, but 16/17 year olds have been getting by just fine by themselves and it is a 17 year old we are talking about.

duchy

At seventeen -if he is causing problems for the other people living in the house and is stealing from them and damaging thier property he needs to leave -it's irrelevent whether it's a family home or a shared house IMO . The fact his behaviour is likely causing difficulties for younger children only adds weight to that.

I think he needs to be told (calmly-not when it's all kicking off) that he has two weeks to shape up-which means no more shouting or violence-or he goes (the messy bedroom wouldn't be an issue for me I'd just shut the door on it and never go in not even to pick up washing -as he should be doing that himself-and if it's crockery I'd just stop feeding him til it was removed and washed up). If after two weeks nothing had changed I'd be handing him bin bags to put his stuff in and if he didn't I'd be doing it for him and leaving them outside or at a relatives.

At seventeen you're old enough to understand actions have consequences -and that to be allowed back into the home as an adult you need to act like one.

shandyclover

I think its important posters note my friend is asking for advice in asking her 17 1/2 to leave, NOT kicking out a 15 yo, to me there is a difference. She is not in any rush to do anything impulsively, but is concerned for her other children and also the wellbeing of her 4 yo GD. The young man in question has been causing much heartache for years, she has bent over backwards for him and worked hard to get him into a prestigious college, which he did oringinally do well in, but now has stopped attending. He has no respect for any member of the family, verbally abuses everyone and throws temper tantrums if they don't give in to him. Being a single mum finances are always tight but he will steal from her and other sibs. My friend is in physical pain 24 hours a day, sometimes can barely walk and attends a pain clinic. She has had to scour town centre at night looking for him, come down at night to find the kitchen full of his friends doing drugs etc.etc. At this point she needs advice on who she can turn to in the official capacity as her son has not being paying any attention to what she says for several years now.

lalaland11

shandyclover wrote: »

I think its important posters note my friend is asking for advice in asking her 17 1/2 to leave, NOT kicking out a 15 yo, to me there is a difference. She is not in any rush to do anything impulsively, but is concerned for her other children and also the wellbeing of her 4 yo GD. The young man in question has been causing much heartache for years, she has bent over backwards for him and worked hard to get him into a prestigious college, which he did oringinally do well in, but now has stopped attending. He has no respect for any member of the family, verbally abuses everyone and throws temper tantrums if they don't give in to him. Being a single mum finances are always tight but he will steal from her and other sibs. My friend is in physical pain 24 hours a day, sometimes can barely walk and attends a pain clinic. She has had to scour town centre at night looking for him, come down at night to find the kitchen full of his friends doing drugs etc.etc. At this point she needs advice on who she can turn to in the official capacity as her son has not being paying any attention to what she says for several years now.

If she does ask him to leave and he says no then what will she do?

your first post did not mention the drug use, which i would say sounds like it may be the root of all the problems and the reason behind his behaviour.

Mybe she could try FRANK who im sure can offer advice on helping her son and point her in the right direction of where she can go for help.

I do feel for her but as a mother i think her main prioity should be to help him change and stop taking drugs and only when all else fails ask him to leave.

puddy

has she tried seeking help for what seem to be drug and mental health issues for her son?

has she contacted social services, what do the pastoral support workers at the college say?

[Deleted User]

ska_lover wrote: »

I think that parents should not throw kids out - Unless there is a serious serious reason like violence etc. - apart from the stealing from his mother, and destroying her property, the rest of it is pretty normal teenage stuff.

I would say that if it was just the normal teenage stuff then no.

But for the other things he has been doin then yes ask him to leave.

Dxxx

BEAR

If there is a drug issue there are organizations that could help him,....but he has to want the help

social services wont get involved unless the younger children are at risk

there are mediation services avaiable but once again HE has to also want to go not just his mum

as for people saying how awful it is to ask your child to leave..imagine this scenario:-

You have spent years being sworn at, stolen from your home being wrecked, your husband threatende with knives, police constntly at your door, your child openly dealing from behind he school playground. .....you have tried every avenue, from social workers to parenting clsses t mentors to family

you are at the stage where you are down to 7st, on prozac and your doc wants to get you admitted to hospital just to get a break?>.....what would you do then???

if the mum breaks then she cannot help him, if he leaves and there is a distance at least then maybe they can have some sort of relationship