Devastated after finding out about an affair

Tryingtobestrong_2

Thank you all for your advice and posts. Its really a big relief to finally admit it has happened, I have told nobody as its important to me for people not to know if we can work it out. We had drifted so far apart I thought although we were not happy, I wasnt prepared to do anything to mend this and never thought he would do it to me. He said he never wanted to do it and only did as he thought we could not be fixed. He was probably right at the time .

He is devastated that he has hurt me so much and this past 10 days has been just like we first met, we had such a good relationship for the first 4 years. I shut myself off when I had our daughter and concentrated on being there for her 24/7 I stopped going out doing anything really now I can see that we deserve a life too and will never make the the same mistake again. We have arranged for a babysitter every Sunday just like we used to do and also for LO to sleep at my parents every other Sat night. He is so loving towards me and what has shocked him the most is that when I found out he thought I would just say for him to go, he thought i had no feelings left for him this outcome has shocked him more than anything.

McKneff

And I just want to say one thing, I dont care how much you were pushing him away, leaving him out, he has a voice, he could have talked to you and explained how he was feeling, instead he just ups and has an affair,

None, I repeat None of this is your fault and it is him that is totally to blame,

The affair only stopped because he got caught, full stop.

C_Mababejive

Men may seek out the company of another woman for many reasons. It may just be a different kind of loneliness,stress,depression or just something different. The defining moment is when he shags her for then he is lost..caught in the web of the Black widow Spider...and it becomes difficult to extract yourself.

I'll bet he is full of regrets and anxieties over what he has done .For men it is often "just sex". If he really had something going on with this woman,he would surely have packed and left by now

pcunite

You have got to read the book "His Needs Her Needs" by Willard F. Harley. It really helped me and my spouse through a tough time.

Tryingtobestrong_2

We'll I'm out watching football and she has walked in the pub! I'm stronger than I thought. He hasn't spoke to her and asked if I wanted to go. first time over now i will not leave because of her x

Wickedkitten

Personally I would be a bit dubious really. He knows that you know and as such you might check his mobile so it would be fairly easy for him to remove anything incriminating before you see it. Also, as easy as it may be to blame the other woman, he's the one that you are in a relationship with who has chosen to take the easy route instead of communicating with you about the problems that he was seeing in your relationship.

cloudy-day

Tryingtobestrong wrote: »

We'll I'm out watching football and she has walked in the pub! I'm stronger than I thought. He hasn't spoke to her and asked if I wanted to go. first time over now i will not leave because of her x

OP can I be blunt? 'She' was wrong to sleep with a married man - of course, but HE cheated on you, HE lied to you - HE had sex with someone else. Who it was really doesn't matter.

Its up to you how you go forward but you blamimg it all on the other woman makes it very easy for him doesn't it?

Just remember who it was that betrayed you.

Good luck.

newbutold

Hugs to you. I just didn't want to read and run but don't have any advice just opinions.

I guess as others have said it will take time for it to sink in & for you to be able to move past this and begin to trust him again.

Have you though of going to relate, this is what my friend did when her hubby cheated and it really helped them.

It is early days so for now you just need to take it one day at a time. Your partner has a hell of a lot of making up to you and showing you he can be trusted, regardless of the statue of your relationship before, he cheated, he is the one in the wrong! Eventually you will need to learn to trust him and put the affair behind you if you are to stay together, however you are a long way off from that point yet.

If it was me, I would want to be sure that he has ended the affair because he really wants to be with me & he had realised (upon getting
caught) what he could of lost and not that he has ended the affair just because he was caught.

Good luck

geminilady

I have been through this and sorry but I never trusted him again.You seem to be taking the blame which is wrong,he was the one who cheated he could have sat you down and told you he was not happy.Of course he is on his best behaviour now he has been found out.By the way my husband said it was finished and continued to see the women even though he told me I was paranoid for thinking it.I suggest if you want to save your marriage you go to relate.

soccermom

it really is crap when things like this happen a very similar thing happened to me 5 years ago, hubby cried and begged for forgiveness.

I still don't have the trust I had before and honestly will never truly forgive him. We are trying to make it work we really are but if i'm honest things will never be the same and it wouldn't surprise me if eventually we do split. All the kids leave home this year and it will just be me and him and I think the cracks will start to show again.

Don't be to much pressure on yourself to forgive and forget or trust again, for all the stories that say it will get better and you will move on there are lots that don't.

Just wanted to give an alternative perspective. Make sure you look after yourself first and formost don't be to eager to keep hubby happy he has hurt you and you need time to heal yourself before you can heal your marriage.

good luck x