Devastated after finding out about an affair

Tryingtobestrong_2

I am a long time poster on here but I'm not ready for people to find out yet.... last Sunday I discovered my partner of 7 years was having an affair. To say I am devestated is and understatement. I am not blameless as for the past 3 years we have had issues and I have pushed him away, I didnt realise how much I loved him until now. He knows how wrong it was to do what he did but said he felt worthless and unloved. It could have quite easily been me not him that cheated in the end. the girl involved is alot younger than him ( and me) and I know her

He finished it straight away and we have talked like we have never talked before, we both want the relationship to work and have agreed that since I found out we have told each other honestly how we both feel. We have a little girl

Has anyone been through this? any tips for getting over the suspicion I am ok most of the time but then get a horrible feeling of dread that he is still lying, a bit irrational as he leaves his phone out for me to check and other than work he has been with me. I am desperate to move on and trust him again. Sorry for the ramble I have not told a single person and this is the first time I have wrote it down:(

serious_saver

I'm not sure what to say but *hugs coming your way*

hazyjo

Maybe it was a bit of a 'final straw' moment... he probably needed the attention. It's not so much physical as emotional. He now has that reassurance of how much you love him so there is hope for you both.

You can rebuild it. It will take time to build up the trust again.

Can I ask how you found out?

It's so easy to take each other for granted, or to stop communicating, or for one to 'communicate' but the other not listen or not do anything about it when there are problems. If you can work together as a team and know where you went wrong (and make changes), you probably have something worth saving.

Often, an affair is inevitable in situations like this. Doesn't mean it'll last, or that they person doing it actually even wants to be doing it.

Try and trust your own judgement. We nearly all say we'd never forgive someone if they did it to us, and would give that advice to a friend, but it's different in reality. Many couples do get through it.

Jx

fluffnutter

Give yourself some time. You only found out a few days ago; it's not surprising that you feel like you'll never trust him again. You've had a difficult and honest conversation about this and you've both agreed to work at your relationship. This is wonderful but it can give the impression that everything's 'sorted'. The fact is, you still need time to come to terms with what's happened, to feel shocked and angry and hurt and confused. None of this will go away purely because you've had a good talk and decided what to do next.

I'm jumping ahead a little here; there's no suggestion of this in your post so bear in mind I'm talking generally here, but sometimes in your situation, there's a temptation for the person who had the affair to say 'Why are you still upset? I've said I'm sorry, we've agreed to try to put it behind us, so why are you still punishing me?'. It's almost like it's a done deal once you've decided to stay together and you're unreasonable to still be hurt. You're not unreasonable. Despite your appreciation that neither of you has behaved brilliantly, he's still the one who had the affair (don't blame yourself, he could have said 'no') and you're still entitled to take time to come to terms with this.

There comes a point however, if you're still together, that you might need to let things go. But you're not there yet! Not after 4 days! You will move on. Nothing stays the same for ever. Just give yourself some time.

bigbumsmallhips

Tryingtobestrong - I know exactly what you are going through right now. After I found out about my OH i was devastated I just wanted to curl up and hide away - he didnt know I knew about what was going on and it had been ongoing for 6 months.

I came on here and was told I needed to either get out of the marriage or confront him - this was only 2 weeks ago.

I confronted him and he didnt deny anything - I think he was quite relieved to be honest and it is over.

BUT

I still check his phone every night - I have even gone through every number to check he hasnt put her number under a different name - he hasnt. I know I need to start trusting him again but this is all going to take time - for you and me.

This isnt going to happen over night you need to adjust to it, but I have discovered that we need to do something that is just for us. Can you sort it so that one night a week is just for the two of you and try and find what ever gave you butterflies at the beginning - this is what we are trying to do.

Sometimes over the last couple of weeks I have just sat down and cried cos I dont want to feel like this and one day the trust will come back.

I cant tell you that you will feel better soon, its a long process but as long as your both willing to work at it then you will come out the other end.

tea_lover

Firstly, big, big hugs. It's a horrible thing to find out and no doubt your head will be all over the place at the moment.

This probably sounds patronising (sorry!) but it's incredibly early days now and it will get easier. It sounds as if you're both communicating well, and looking towards the same future now - and they are both very big positives.

My OH had an affair. Finding out about it was without a doubt the worst thing that's happened to me, not least because it was all very drawn out and the whole thing dragged on for years, with everyone getting messed around and messed up. But enough of that! Point is, we're still together now and we're very happy. Since then we've bought our own house and are now planning a family (well, just been referred for fertility treatment so fingers crossed on that one)... but I digress again.

I won't tell you it's been easy because it really hasn't been, but I will tell you that it gets so much easier as time goes on. If this is what you both want then it's perfectly possible to make things work and to be happy. This was all about 4-5 years ago for us and tbh, there are still the odd moments when I wonder who a text is from or something like that. But it really is a millisecond thought, maybe twice a year, and very easily dismissed.

To start with it was literally all I thought about. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, couldn't stop being sick and crying. I wanted to kill him, wanted to kill her, wanted to smash the house up. I don't think you can explain the devestation to someone that hasn't experienced it. That time, like all things in life, does pass - though it may not seem like it ever will at the time.

Forgiving was definitely a lot easier than forgetting, but having said that I don't regret staying for a second.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do from here. Take care of yourself - and sorry this turned into such an essay!

fluffnutter

I also firmly believe that you need to keep talking. It's great that you've started, don't let it fall by the wayside again.

Tryingtobestrong_2

Thanks Hazyjo your post is just the reassurance that I needed. Little things were bugging me like him leaving his phone turned face down and never leaving the room without it, whilst he was in the shower I checked and saw a message saying they couldnt wait to see him again he told me straight away who it was and I honestly believe he is as upset as me, he never thought he would cheat on me but that is where we were at that time. We nearly split up the week before Christmas and decided that we would give it another go, he said he finished it for a few weeks then it started up again but he said it was different as he believed we may have had a chance. I have been completely honest with him and I really believed if someone cheated on me that they would be out of the door. I cant as I love him so much. we had such a good relationship before our daughter then I stopped going out and felt so bad about myself I really became so depressed. I have lost weight and feel so good about myself again, getting compliments when I go out and we are starting to have our life back again x

VfM4meplse

OP, you're still raw from shock. It must have felt like your world was turned upside down, and it makes you start to question the validity of everything in your life. (((Hugs))) and keep talking to your OH, but make sure he knows it's going to take a while for you to get through this and to regain your trust.

clearingout

I couldn't have forgiven my ex's affair, although I like to believe that if I'd properly been given the opportunity, I would have tried. It never really came to that, however.

The problem with trust is that when it's gone, it's gone. It is going to take time to build it up again. I would suggest that you both seeking counselling together to start to deal with the issue. You can talk and talk and talk but if you don't get to the crux of the issue, it will mean very little. The other thing about using a counsellor is that it stops one party abusing the other - and I personally see echos in what you have written above in what my ex said to me. In the early stages of our separation, he had me believing it was all my fault - it wasn't. And it isn't all your fault either.

Give yourself some time to come to terms with it. Keep talking. And (((hugs))))

Four_leaf_clover_2

OP does your husband fully appreciate how much this affair has hurt you, and that it is going to take alot of time before you can trust in the relationship, the way you once did? It is good that you have started talking and being really honest with each other about your feelings. I would continue to do this as much as you can.

Relate may help you to focus on the problems in your relationship which led you both to where things are now. Facing these and finding ways forward could really strengthen the foundations of your marriage and enable a strong future.

I think it may also be beneficial for you to have some counselling by yourself. To help you decide how you feel about everything and work out ways to cope with this and express it to your husband. I wish you all the best and am sorry to hear of your troubles.