Help with a child who is good at home but not at school

karenx

My son is 8 and just moved to a new school start of the year. His old school I wasnt keen on, the teachers and the children.
All was going well untill 2 weeks ago I got called in to see the head teacher. said that he has been misbehaving in class, silly things like talking when not meant to etc. He said its not on and he needs to stop. I spoke to him that night and said he needs to make a good impression and to also make friends so to be nice at all times and not to talk when not meant to etc.
All goes fine again untill monday I get called in to see head teacher again. Said he hasnt improved and was found shouting in playground, throwing pencils and just being a bit of a pest. She kept being quite agressive to me and asking why he was doing this and that I must know why he does it. I said I have already spoken to him and he keeps saying he wont do it again. And as Im not there I dont know what he is doing. She said hes my son so my responsobility that hes doing this. I explained I would talk to him again and make sure I ground him etc so he knows this is serious and that he cant do it in class again as it distupts everyone. She ended the conversation on "this cant contine or he will be expelled"
So today I was in again seeing her and she said he was fine this morning but in afternoon he throw another pencil across the table. And that tomorrow is his last chance and if does the slightest thing wrong he is expelled with immideate effect.
Surly they should be helping him and not just saying he is going to be expelled. Can they do that over silly wee things like this???
Im sitting so depressed and panicking about school tomorrow incase he does somethimg silly and they will throw him out. He is totally fine at home though, I get the usual moaning from him cos he hates tidying his room or putting clothes away etc but he doesnt do anything majorly bad

I have explained he will be thrown out of the school if he does anything silly in class and that I will struggle for another school for him and that he is getting grounded as I have been called in to see head teacher a few times. He was crying his eyes out saying he will be good etc. But Im just so scared someone will egg him on to do something and he is the one who gets in trouble and then expelled

Im a single parent of 2 also, I just dont know how I will cope if he is thrown out the school, Hes a bright boy who is good at his work, good at helping and wants to learn etc!

thegirlintheattic

Did the head teacher say what sanctions had been used up till now? It generally has to have been persistent low level disruption for months with little improvement with sanctions for an exclusion or expluasion to be exercised

mrcow

A head teacher has better things to do with their time than call a parent in simply for a child throwing a pencil across a table. What were the circumstances? Why did he throw it?

Casati

If he's only been there since the new year he's probably just struggling to settle...I changed Primary schools an awful lot when I was a nipper (we moved around a lot) and it was TERRIFYING... turns your whole world upside-down at that age

DVardysShadow

karenx wrote: »

... I have explained he will be thrown out of the school if he does anything silly in class and that I will struggle for another school for him and that he is getting grounded as I have been called in to see head teacher a few times. He was crying his eyes out saying he will be good etc. But Im just so scared someone will egg him on to do something and he is the one who gets in trouble and then expelled

Well, there you go. If he does not like the new school, you have spelled out in very plain terms what he needs to do to be thrown out.

There_Goes_Trouble

Can you turn it around a bit and ask the school what they are doing to discipline him? Surely if he's no trouble at home but naughty at school, then the school must play a part in resolving the problem. You're not there to discipline him during the day so that must fall to them. Have they tried detentions? Missing 'fun' activities in favour of extra academic work? Litter picking? Extra homework? Perhaps something as simple as moving him to another place in the classroom if other children are egging him on or if he's disrupting them by talking. In your next meeting, you could remind them of their responsibilities to your son and say that you will do your part at home by backing the school up in their discipline methods (e.g. if they give him an after school detention you will make sure he attends, etc) but they must take the lead since he's only naughty when he's with them.

Realistically what do they expect? Are you supposed to sit in on all his classes and supervise him yourself? I'm surprised that such seemingly small misdemeanors such as talking or throwing a pencil can't be managed in the classroom. (yes, I know teachers are busy and have 35+ children to watch, but really, talking and throwing pencils aren't the crimes of the century.)

I do think though that you need to speak to your son again when things are calmer, and try and find out why he's behaving badly at school. Perhaps he's trying to impress his new friends and trying to 'fit in' a bit, perhaps he's really quite unhappy and so behaving out of character. Perhaps he's struggling to make new friends so is acting the clown a bit... everyone likes a joker, right?

elfen

Is there a possibility he's getting frustrated because he's either finishing the work before everyone else, or can't do the work? Has this been brought up by the teacher at all?

Savvy_Sue

karenx wrote: »

And that tomorrow is his last chance and if does the slightest thing wrong he is expelled with immideate effect.
Surly they should be helping him and not just saying he is going to be expelled. Can they do that over silly wee things like this???
Im sitting so depressed and panicking about school tomorrow incase he does somethimg silly and they will throw him out. He is totally fine at home though, I get the usual moaning from him cos he hates tidying his room or putting clothes away etc but he doesnt do anything majorly bad

I have explained he will be thrown out of the school if he does anything silly in class and that I will struggle for another school for him and that he is getting grounded as I have been called in to see head teacher a few times. He was crying his eyes out saying he will be good etc.

You could do a LOT worse than read this. there are some links there I haven't even looked at, but you could go into school armed with a list of questions - write a letter and leave it with them too, send a copy to the chair of governors.

Dear Headteacher, further to our conversations about little Johnny's behaviour, you said that if he does the slightest thing wrong he is expelled with immediate effect. In order to help me work with you to resolve this problem:

• Please may I have a copy of the school's behaviour policy.
  
• Please tell me the ways in which my son's behaviour falls short of your expectations, and what steps you have taken and will take to help him improve.
  
• Please may I see the school's code of conduct for pupils.
  
• If you decide to permanently exclude my child, when will the governing body meet to review this decision?

That last flags up that you know the head can't really do this all by him/herself.

It really astonishes me that you've been hauled in by the head so quickly - have you spoken to the class teacher and agreed strategies? I'm also astonished that they're prepared to exclude so quickly - it doesn't look good for their stats!

BUT I'm also wondering if the head is hoping you'll just move him and that the threat of exclusion is to make you do that.

And personally, I'd be looking at other schools ...

Dunroamin

Did something happen at school 2 weeks ago to trigger his change in behaviour?

pleasedelete

Are you sure that he is good at home? Sounds hard but do you ever discipline him or require him to behave? If you just let him do as he pleases at home with no boundaries that may be part of the issue. If I let my son play on x box, drink coke all day, sit in his room and eat junk food he woukd be perfectly well behaved. Our conflicts (and they are very minor) come when he is asked to do things that he doesn't want or doesn't think that he should do.

Your view of well behaved at home may not be the view that others would have.

Go and talk to the school about the kind of strategies that you can use at home and they can use at school.

Why did he really leave his last school? Most parents don't move children just because they are not keen? Did they question his behaviour? Does he think that if he misbehaves he will be able to go back to his old school? Is he unhappy and without friends at his new school?

jakes-mum

It may be an old card to pull out, but is he being bullied or excluded by the other children? Is there a ring leader saying 'if you get in trouble we'll play with you at break' only ask as this is exactly what my nephew is going through, he's quite a bright child but is quite naive and is doing stupid things in school due to promises of being included by kids that dont like him

Unless the head has taken a complete dislike to him, im surprised expulsion has been thrown out to you so soon. My son can be a so and so at school and has seriously developed class clown syndrome, ive spent more time in the heads office than out in the last 5 years and have not had expulsion threatened. I did find that agreeing with everything they said made my life a misery, when I started to fight back and ask what they wanted me to do, to give me a complete run down of the incident(s) (which is not easy for them when they are offering second hand info), insisting on talking to the member of staff involved to get the full picture etc I have had much less contact from them and I know exactly what is going on. It also helps DS is getting older so growing out of the need to impress his peers.

You could try asking him if the kids are laughing when he throws things, does he finish his work faster than the kids on his table, who does he play with at playtime to try and guage if theres a bullying issue or hes bored.