I'm scared of entering into a DMP! Please help!

lonely_2

Bestthingsinlifearefree wrote:

THIS IS THE POINT. It is YOUR family money that paid for the break.

The money spent by him on the long Valentines weekend could have gone to paying off your debts.

There is no point a husband saying I am not in debt so I am going to splash out mean while his wife is drowning in debt.

Ultimately (and legally) if your married your finances are intrinsically linked no matter how much couples pretend they are not.

If you get made redundant, pregnant , sick etc and had no income.

Is your husband going to say bad luck, you got no money you will have to starve etc etc ? Or if you can't pay your half of the mortgage is he going to evict you etc etc ?

Your finances are joint whether you admit it or not once you are married. You get poor together, you get rich together, your money is his money and his money is your money, his debt is your debt and your debt is his. Maybe I am just an old fashioned 34 yr old bloke !:rolleyes:

(anyway I will get off my soap box now;)

Keep up the good work.:beer:

Best,

Can I just clarify something - I'm sure the hubby would be more understanding than I'm giving him credit for and I'm sure he would want to help BUT - and this is a very big but - I'm not a poor helpless victim in all of this. I created this mess and I feel that I - alone - should be the one to sort it out. As it is, I feel terrible that I entered into our marriage without telling him. That was one and a half years ago, at which point my debt was about £35K. It is inexcusable that I let him marry me knowing full well it could affect him. So that is why I am now trying to sort it out by myself. If I decide to tell him it will be purely because I wouldn't want him to find out about it accidentally, not because I want him to pay towards it.

bectoria_2

Hi Lonely

Do tell your husband. I kept my debts a secret for a long time for fear of him leaving me but when I finally told my other half he was brilliant and now I have someone to talk to about it.

I've been on a DMP with Payplan for nearly a year now and its only in the last couple of months all my offers have been accepted and the phone calls have stopped. You will receive a lot of phone calls so your other half will wonder what is going on, its best to tell him now you'll be amazed how supportive he will be.

Good luck, it will take time to sort itself out but you will get there. Stick to your guns cos some companies will try and get you to increase your offers. Only offer what you can afford and refer any calls to payplan.

NekoZombie

I can completely understand why you don't want to tell your husband. It's so hard to accept that things that have spiralled out of control, and I for one was afraid of disappointing my partner. I will say that he has been incredibly supportive, and as they say 'two heads are better than one'. Its still all my debt (he isn't making any financial contribution) but having the extra emotional support is priceless. I've been swithering over bankruptcy, an IVA or just paying it off as quickly as possible (which sadly won't be as quickly as I'd like) and I've been able to discuss all the options openly with someone who cares and would protect my interests over anything else.

Conclusion? It was hard telling him, but easily worth it.

NekoZombie

And I just want to point out that part of the reason he doesn't contribute is so I don't feel guilty, but also so we can have the odd treat like dinner and weekends away, which he pays for. Without this I think i would go mad.

I guess he is contributing, but in a way that keeps us both sane!

Bestthingsinlifearefree

lonely wrote:

Can I just clarify something - I'm sure the hubby would be more understanding than I'm giving him credit for and I'm sure he would want to help BUT - and this is a very big but - I'm not a poor helpless victim in all of this. I created this mess and I feel that I - alone - should be the one to sort it out. As it is, I feel terrible that I entered into our marriage without telling him. That was one and a half years ago, at which point my debt was about £35K. It is inexcusable that I let him marry me knowing full well it could affect him. So that is why I am now trying to sort it out by myself. If I decide to tell him it will be purely because I wouldn't want him to find out about it accidentally, not because I want him to pay towards it.

Hi L,

I can understand your thinking particulary as the bulk of your debt was pre-marriage.

But let me put this bluntly if you and your husband don't pay your 1k a month mortgage your flat will get repossessed.

Now lets assume your husband thinks the family has no debt so he spends his cash each month etc etc and plans his finances on the basis of you both being in no debt.

He suddenly gets made redundant but thinks it's ok we can pay the bills with my wifes salary till I find a new job...................

If he knows the situation it may make him change HIS spending pattern big time.....which could be a very GOOD thing. i.e he might think instead of paying £500 on a weekend break now he knows the situation it is better for him to SAVE that £500 as an emergency fund if needed to keep the roof over your head.

I'm not having a go just talking through the overall picture.

(blimey I'm getting stressed by your debt now;) :rolleyes: )

Reread the thread and think all the things over.

Keep positive. Keep posting.

P.S the gym need to go.There are lots of ways You can exericise with out being in a gym.

Sea78

hi

Just my two pennies worth! I have just entered a DMP and it's going to be hard. I have 2 kids and a OH & combined income of 2413, and total debts (not inc mortgage) of around £38000. I get a budget of £315 a month for the four of us, and this is to include nappies and baby milk, I'm also allowed £60 a month clothes and footwear budget. Just letting you kow so that you can be aware of the kind of figures you'll be considering if you enter the DMP. We're going to try to reduce anyway and cut back, but I won't compromise on good healthy food for the kids - and I haven't. I get organic cstuff in lidl v cheap and in tesco too.

I suspect your oh will find out accidently through letters and/or phone calls so I think for that reason you'd be better telling him.

Welcome!

Sea xxx

Bestthingsinlifearefree

Hi L,

What is your husbands take home salary ?

and if he does not know you have 50K of debt ........maybe you don't know he has 50K of debt :rolleyes: ???

You need to start communicating financially. This can make your relationship STRONGER !! If you tackle this together.

Best

Newgirl_2

Lonely, my heart goes out to you. No-one is suggesting that you don't want to sort this out for yourself, I admire you for that. But taking responsibility to put it right and shouldering all the stress yourself are two completely different things.

Let me over-state what we are all getting at At some point, you WILL need to tell your husband - it is a question of timing not 'if' and, in my opinion, sooner is better - if you need to make some headway first for your own peace of mind, that is fine, but please please please tell him. Unless he is out of the house 24 hours a day, he will be there for at least some of the phone calls - we sent our paperwork off on Monday and so far, have had 3 calls a day for the companies we haven't paid this month. My OH would have had to be deaf and blind not to have noticed.

If my OH was in your situation and didn't tell me, I would feel he didn't trust me and that is hard to come back from. If you already feel bad that you didn't tell him before you married, you are not going to feel any better in 6 months, 12 months or 12 years. Please find the courage and do it. :grouphug:

I agree with all the other posters, both about their suggestions for budget changes you can make and the implications to your joint finances. I am by no means an expert (but am learning fast, by necessity!) and don't mean to panic you but you need to be prepared for issues such as defaults - as soon as you miss the direct payments to your creditors and start your DMP, you will be considered to have defaulted your accounts. Tis affects your credit rating. If you have any financial ties at all with your OH, this implicates him. That plus the fact that you will be receiving letters and phone calls is why we are encouraging you to tell him. The support he will give you will be invaluable too, I can assure you.

You are among friends here, you can come to the forum for advice or just to blow off steam. None of us mean to be harsh but we are all coming out the other side of taking the decision to act on our situation and, in that respect, we know you feel better afterwards. I have seen posts on here that people have had their first full-night's sleep in years just after making that first call.

I second Bestthings, read this thread until you can quote it by rote.

Newgirl

lonely_2

I suppose I do know I have to tell him, I just don't know where to start. I have been living a lie for the last ten years, going on holidays when I knew I shouldn't, talking about children when I know I can't afford them yet, basically everything I've ever done or said money-wise was just a big, fat lie. That kind of lie is very hard to explain.

My hubby takes home roughly the same amount as me, so our joint income is about £100k. His debts are £6K and most of that is student loans. He will never look at me in the same way again. But I will find the courage to tell him, I know I must.

misspoppy

If he loves you he will love you despite your debt. I'm sure he will be supportive, I can't think of one story on here where the OH threw someone out and abandoned them when they confessed their debt. The only time OH's have been cross is when they have bailed their partner out time and time again and from what you've said that doesn't apply to you.

Good luck, be brave and I bet you feel better after.