Friend having affair and dragging me into it!

elastigirl

I have recently found out my best friend is having an affair with one of our male friends who is single but has children and my friend is married with children.
Her husband is mentally abusing her and she did nearly leave him.
So am not shocked.

I don't want to get involved but they are dragging me and my husband into it. I am torn because i do want to be there for her if she needs me but i hate all the lies.
She has never told me but i catch them together almost daily, they are not discreet at all! and after i mentioned the most recent one to my hubby he confessed he has known for about a month that they have been at it for 2 1/2 years! because the man she is seeing told him.
This too made me mad but i can see he was put in a difficult position. I caught them yet again just now and i have had a txt from her saying you caught me again please don't tell hubby!

I just don't know what to say it makes it so awkward as i do the school run with her everyday and this p.m will be really awkward walking up with the white elephant following us.
I don't think i can say anything as the chap said to my hubby that if i find out and mention something to her, she will end it (why?) he said he can't bare to loose her and if it all comes out they will blame us as we are the only ones that know! this is the main thing that has really hurt me and made me mad. If it does come out it won't come from me and it's their own behaviour that is to blame!

System

I think i'd just say 'I can pretend i never saw you but dont ask me to lie for you because i wont'.

fluffnutter

Seems like your only concern is that, if the husband finds out, he'll blame you. Why should he blame you? Isn't this just supposition on your part, or perhaps he frightens you a bit (you do say he mentally abuses his wife - perhaps he's a scary person generally).

I really think you're worrying about all of this too much. So you know. So what? Just keep it to yourself. Honestly, it's got nothing to do with you or your husband. You don't become complicit or involved simply by knowing it's going on. This is not your problem. They're all grown-ups; just let them get on with it.

elvis86

elastigirl wrote: »

I have recently found out my best friend is having an affair with a one of our male friends who is single but has children and my friend is married with children.
Her husband is mentally abusing her and she did nearly leave him.
So am not shocked.

If she's your best friend, why don't you speak to her about it? And maybe encourage her to leave her abusive husband if she and this new man make each other happy?

If she's actually just a woman you see on the school run, then don't let it bother you.

Errata

You can only be dragged into it if you allow yourself to be. Your choice.

fluffnutter

elvis86 wrote: »

If she's your best friend, why don't you speak to her about it? And maybe encourage her to leave her abusive husband if she and this new man make each other happy?

It's a risky position to take.

If they split up, you're the bitch who caused it. If they don't, you're the bitch who hates the husband.

londonsurrey

Just reply "I didn't catch you. That would imply that you're hiding it, which you're not".

elvis86

fluffnutter wrote: »

It's a risky position to take.

If they split up, you're the bitch who caused it. If they don't, you're the bitch who hates the husband.

If my best friend was in a relationship with an abusive man, I'd consider myself to be failing as a friend if I didn't encourage her to leave him. If she actually had a chance of happiness with someone else I'd be urging her to consider it even more.

I wouldn't give two hoots what anyone might think of me.

System

If my best friend was in a relationship with an abusive man, I'd consider myself to be failing as a friend if I didn't encourage her to leave him. If she actually had a chance of happiness with someone else I'd be urging her to consider it even more.

After 2 years you would think they would have known where the relationship was heading wouldnt you?

YoungBaker

I think you need to make clear to her you are unhappy being placed in this awkward position and advise her you think she seriously needs to evaluate her life and make some serious decisions and stand up to her husband and leave - and that you would respect her so much more for doing that.

Emphasise you are unhappy in this position and if you are willing to, as already said you will pretend you never seen it but won't like directly for her.

ruby-roo_2

elastigirl wrote: »

I caught them yet again just now and i have had a txt from her saying you caught me again please don't tell hubby!

I just don't know what to say it makes it so awkward as i do the school run with her everyday and this p.m will be really awkward walking up with the white elephant following us.
I don't think i can say anything as the chap said to my hubby that if i find out and mention something to her, she will end it (why?) he said he can't bare to loose her and if it all comes out they will blame us as we are the only ones that know! this is the main thing that has really hurt me and made me mad. If it does come out it won't come from me and it's their own behaviour that is to blame!

I completely agree with you, especially the last sentence above. If they are behaving as indiscreetly as you advise us then it wont take long for this affair to get back to one of their partners. It is almost like they are setting you up as a scapegoat, and someone to blame when their worlds cave in, purely down to their own behaviour. Dont let them treat you that way.

Nip it in the bud now OP. Send a text or email to your friend saying that you are aware of the affair she is having, due to the fact that she is not being discreet about it. Advise her that by behaving as she is with this other man it is very likely that others will know what is going on too, and that she runs the risk of one of them informing her husband. Tell her calmly but firmly that you will not say anything as you dont wish to be involved. Finish by saying that if she chooses to carry on having this affair then any repercussions will be down to the two of them alone and that you will not be held responsible when her husband finds out.