Friend having affair and dragging me into it!

pearl123

Any idea why she's staying with the mentally abusing husband - now that she got a bit on the side? Have you asked or has she ever said why?
Is she also being less than discreet perhaps secretly she wants to get caught!

splishsplash

londonsurrey wrote: »

Just reply "I didn't catch you. That would imply that you're hiding it, which you're not".

I think that's a really good answer, and throws the ball firmly back in her court.
It also removes the white elephant, because you've made it clear you consider her affair to be public knowledge, by her own actions.
Like others have said, I wounldn't expect to lie about it, but neither would I volunteer information unless I was specifically asked.

elastigirl

My main concern is her. She is my best friend not just some woman on the school run. I am not getting myself invoved. But it has been said that if i try and talk to her about it in any way then she will def end it as she would be worried her hubby would find out.

I don't know why she stays with her hubby! but he is very cleaver she has nothing to her name and has done a bit of research into seperation and he convienced her she couldn't leave.

she just said that they are giving it another go. From time to time i ask how it is going and she just says it's ok. She won't really talk about it. no matter how hard i try.
The chap she is having an affair with is in no position to really take care of her he can barely look after himself! so she is not really going to something better! but yes they must make each other happy which is great.
Her hubby is not a nice person and is very controlling and i worry for both her and our friend she is seeing and he is worried too.

I guess i will see how it goes this pm when i see her but so far i have ignored the txt she sent me but i want her to know she can talk to me if she needs too.

I think it may be effecting her children which is sad as one (6) is suddenly got a very bad attitude and has started to wet the bed and the other (4) crys all the time about everything.

May be they do want to get caught as in the txt it said ha ha you caught me again! other friends have also noticed and a complete stranger thought they were married.

pearl123

Well if you ever get cornered about how much you know. Ie her husband - just say it's none of my business.
If you friend is happy to take risks - then just let her get on with it. It seems the solution. She probably will get caught.

krlyr

Judi wrote: »

I think i'd just say 'I can pretend i never saw you but dont ask me to lie for you because i wont'.

I think this is a good approach, tell her you're not going to get involved in a situation that's not yours to get involved in, so you won't be "ratting her out" but you are not prepared to compromise your own morals so you won't lie for her either. It shouldn't fall on you to cover her back if the husband suspects something and if she's a friend she shouldn't put you in that position either.
If she's hiding it because she's afraid of the consequences if the husband finds out, I would point her in the direction of Women's Aid or similar.

System

Ive never been able to understand these 'sex based' affairs. Obviously love doesnt come into the equation as they have been 'at it' for 2 years. Plenty of time to see where the relationship is heading.

ruby-roo_2

elastigirl wrote: »

I think it may be effecting her children which is sad as one (6) is suddenly got a very bad attitude and has started to wet the bed and the other (4) crys all the time about everything.

The way you describe the children makes me think they are very aware that things are not right. They will be seeing how their daddy and mummy treat each other, picking up on the atmosphere this all causes, and this will most likely be distressing and confusing them.

Your friend seems to be trying to find solice, from the home life she has, in the arms of this other man. If I lived with an emotionally abusive husband and could see my eldest child becoming aggressive and my youngest so distressed, I would question whether staying together was the right thing. Not fooling around behind my husbands back.

The difference between myself and your friend is that I haven't suffered the emotional abuse she has. I wouldn't believe someone who told me that I couldn't cope on my own. I haven't been reduced to not being able to think straight, behaving erratically to the point that it is like a cry for help. This is where your friend seems to be. I think she needs to talk to someone. Doing this will mean she has to face up to things that could be very painful and she may not be ready to do that yet.

elvis86

elastigirl wrote: »

My main concern is her. She is my best friend not just some woman on the school run. I am not getting myself invoved. But it has been said that if i try and talk to her about it in any way then she will def end it as she would be worried her hubby would find out.

And yet she is aware that you have caught her and has sent you a jovial text about it:

elastigirl wrote: »

I guess i will see how it goes this pm when i see her but so far i have ignored the txt she sent me but i want her to know she can talk to me if she needs too.

May be they do want to get caught as in the txt it said ha ha you caught me again!

I'm afraid I can't quite understand the dynamic of your relationship with your "best friend". You know she's having an affair. She knows that you know about it and has texted you asking you to keep quiet. You want her to know she can talk to you about it, but you've ignored her text and you daren't mention the affair to her because the man she's having an affair with told your husband to tell you that if you mention it to her, she will end the affair?:eek:

Sounds more like a woman you see on the school run than a "best friend" to me. If she's your best friend and you see her every day the surely you should just be able to bring it up?

sassyblue

I can't see how she's dragging you into it sorry. I would let them get on with it and ignore the situation.

If you do help in any way either her or hubby will turn it against you when the sh*t hits the fan. If she wanted your help she'd ask. Harsh but true, sorry x

doodoot

How exactly have you been dragged into his affair?

Knowing about it is not 'being dragged into it'.

Being asked by your friend to lie and say that she is with you if her OH asks whilst she is with this other man is DEFINITELY being dragged into it.

If the latter doesn't happen, then why are you concerning yourself with it?

Let them get on with it and if she mentions the affair make it clear to her that you don't agree with affairs if that would make you feel better.