Enter The Dragon.... lionheartedgirl starts to roar!

Souk08

Hi honey, lots to think about eh? The dissatisfaction, is it that you 'expected' to have certain things by this point in your life or do you actually want them and feel down because you dont have them. if it's the latter then only you can change that.You could have a house/man/baby and still feel stuck in a rut/trapped. the stuff you're doing is different. It's all about change on the inside. If all this health malarkey has taught me anything it's that you have to do what works for you, regardless of whether its what other people do.

Take care of you and XXX

lucielle

Hi LHG, lurker alert. I thought of you last night as I took my DDs to Florence and the Machines, it was good and what made me think of you was because she had a harpist on the stage with her for ALL the songs. I thought that was pretty cool.
L

lionheartedgirl

ah thanks L, how lovely that people I don't know think of me when they see a harp every time there is a harp on the telly or radio, I normally get a text from someone, I love it

the harpist with Florence and the Machine writes some of the songs with her as well, he's definitely not there as a gimmick which is the best thing. It's risen in popularity which is great, but so often it's just used as an alternative guitar and there is so much more to it than that, and I love what Florence's harpist Tom does :T he does a lot of his own stuff too, VERY cool.

Feeling a bit brighter at last. A few things are being mulled over - one of them is returning to full time study :eek: it would mean a complete change of lifestyle, back to being skint and most likely moving to another country (well, adjoined :cool: but still technically another country!). I'm exploring all the options but it is very exciting just to think about where it could lead. I discussed it with my mum last night and while I know she would be upset if I moved, she said they would support me whatever I did and would do what they could to help, so that's awesome. She said some lovely stuff about my musical achievements and coming from her as a professional, let alone as a mum, I felt very proud.

Thanks Souk - I think I haven't really found what works for me yet and that's the huge frustration.

I care less and less all the time about what others think/what's normal/what's expected.

My marriage was unhappy towards the end, and my subsequent relationship was pretty disastrous about 40% of the time, so I know it's not the holy grail.

Having children is not a burning desire right now, but it's a choice I would like to have and the worry is that if I do meet someone and decide it's right, it may be too late. It's the classic thing of I don't want it until someone tells me I can't have it :rotfl:

The pooches are far more important at the moment (good job!), and as long as I have them, and replacements when they are no longer here, I will be OK long term. It will be a challenge if I get a place on this course, but I couldn't be parted from them now.

Money is OK, had a mostly cheap weekend although sodding Waitrose had a particular type of gin on special offer :mad: / , it was next on my list of the ones I wanted to try, with a fiver off, so I bought it. I should be able to cover this elsewhere though (fingers crossed!)

lionheartedgirl

SB has paid his phone money again over the weekend, so think that's the last payment on his phone contract now. I've texted him to say I will be cancelling it, and telling him I will be clearing the garage out over the next couple of weeks and his stuff will be dumped and his trophies sent to his mums if I don't hear from him.

My heart is pounding (not in a good way!), and I haven't even had to speak to him. I hate this reaction but not much I can do about it and I have nothing to be ashamed of in feeling this way. I can't wait to move on from it all.

Although it will be a faff taking his stuff to the tip, in a way I hope he leaves it all as I don't want him anywhere near my dogs. I'm not bothered about seeing him, I don't really feel anything for him any more other than pity for him, as long as he doesn't start on at me in his normal way. Not that I think he will hurt the dogs or anything like that, I just don't want them around him. They are mine.

lionheartedgirl

yeuch what a crappy day at work. some !!!!!! office politics and some very grumpy people

money is OK. bought lunch today which was not so OK. well, lunch was nice but should have pulled my finger out and made it.

no reply from ex. I'm hoping this continues.

I've had lots of positive contact re my potential course today and it's exciting but very scary. So much to think about.

lionheartedgirl

morning all.

lots of positiveness on the course front - I've been in touch with the lecturer plus had emails from various other people in the department and also had to submit a proper UCAS style application including a personal statement, which had to be 4000 characters long. cue much writing, snipping etc.

anyway the upshot is that:

I have an audition, in Glasgow, in mid-April.

I am meeting the teacher at the Edinburgh harp festival in a couple of weeks, just waiting to confirm exact plans so I can make some arrangements etc.

I have a LOT of practice to do. I haven't put anything on FB (for those of you that keep in touch on there) as I can't be doing with all the questions when I am not totally sure of the details yet. It's a huge deal, I think I know which pieces I'm doing but I am struggling with my wrist and elbow at the moment so the main challenge will be keeping up the practice while staying as relaxed as possible :eek:

I've been really down the last couple of weeks now, eating rubbish, not doing any exercise other than dog walks. My house is a complete midden (sp?!) and I feel very disorganised. It's complete self-sabotage and I have no idea why I do it. But I am going to have to sort myself out if I am going to play well at the audition.

I had a counselling session last night which was much needed, it was good to get everything out of my head and sort out my thoughts a little.

So today we are back to basics again. Morning routine done, dressed to shoes a la Flylady even though I am working at home today. I will get off the internet once I've posted this, and that will be it until lunchtime. I don't have a huge amount of work to do but will get through somehow (assisted by a vat of tea). I'm cooking properly tonight so I have a freezer full of tasty veg chilli. I'm so looking forward to the weekend so I can get clean and tidy and get to the tip with some junk. My dad's coming to help so it will definitely get done!

The bonus of all this practising will be that I won't be out spending money. Good job as flights and kennels are going to wipe me out for a little while. I think it will be worth it.

As for the logistics of trying to find a new place to live where I can fit 3 harps and 2 dogs, by September, 400+ miles from where I live now, I am not thinking about that until I know whether I have a place or not! :rotfl:

Shoe_Gal

Wow - fingers crossed for you :A

lionheartedgirl

ahhh.....the weekend is here. the sun is shining, I've been up since 6.30 and have walked the dogs, drunk coffee and eaten chavvy kids breakfast cereal

I had a great rehearsal last night with my 2 partners in crime - we have 3 gigs coming up over the next couple of weeks. All went well and my boy hound came out of his shell and joined in with us rather than hiding away. It is really nice to see him growing in confidence around strangers

I've got 2 harp lessons to do today, and have got one to have myself tomorrow. Practice is going well, I've done 2 brief yoga sessions the last 2 days and this morning my shoulders didn't hurt when I woke up which is a result.

Work is awful at the moment, my boss spoke to me like a 5 year old yesterday but I stood my ground and didn't let it get to me. But I'm not there until Monday, and then I have one more week before I have a long week off.

Other plans for today are cleaning my bike ready for dad to come tomorrow and help me swap the battery over for the new one, plus tidying my pit of a bedroom. And more yoga and more practice. And catching up with blog/website etc.

Tonight will be a much needed night in with me myself I - got a busy week ahead. Tomorrow will be more yoga, harp practice, hopefully a couple of trips to the tip and some cleaning.

Not the most exciting way of spending a weekend, but I am broke til payday and I need the time to myself.

Hope everyone has a good one

lionheartedgirl

*skulks back in looking sheepish*

Hi all. I'm back in a muddle. Same old story, life has been mental to the power of about a million, and lots has slipped. Last week I even went over my overdraft limit which was a hell of a shock - I paid for a couple of things on my debit card rather than my credit card and didn't keep track.

A couple of weeks ago I got a parking ticket as I had forgotten to put the ticket in the windscreen.

Just daft silly things that mean I'm not really concentrating and am running on empty

My audition is all done and dusted thank goodness, but could be a while before I hear.

I'm going to try and come on here every day or so again to get myself back focused on money and taking care of myself. I had a lovely day in Glasgow after the audition but was a bit spendy - nothing like I have been in the past though.

I have a couple of cards with BTs about to expire so am about to start the hunt around for those. I have lots of harp stuff coming up which I need to plan for so that I don't end up running out of puff again - this time I've proved to myself that while I've looked after myself a bit better in the midst of the arghh-ness, I've taken my eyes off the ball in other areas.

I am not loving the amount of planning and focus and discipline this is all taking from me, it's not my natural way of doing things at all.

Other than that, headwise I am OK.

Had a bit of a minor date situation with a friend who might have become a bit more of a friend in the last week or so - we are tiptoeing a bit at the mo (bit used lots of times there!) as it's such a bolt out of the blue for us both, but it could be really good.

We had a good old gossip last night over a few drinks (both as skint as each other and driving too) and it was fab I think he may be even more of an emotional disaster area than me though :rotfl: could be interesting if I am the 'sorted' one! :eek:

I'm back into doing some exercise which is good, helping my shoulders and energy levels so I want to keep this up. I need to in fact, as I have a charity bike ride coming up at the start of June... 60 miles round London, at night. Staying awake to make the start will be a monumental achievement!

catch you soon x

hypno06

And breathe!!!

Don't fret. these times crop up from time to time....I know that they certainly do for me. I can go from being cool and calm and beautifully in control of my life to being tearful, out of sorts, having the feeling that everyone else is moving on whilst I am stuck, or whatever.

It can last for days, or weeks, and is really not much fun. But it does pass - usually with the help of a good friend who can be as honest as anything with me, but sometimes with an extra visit to my counsellor who puts things into a straighter line for me.

But it does settle again, I do manage to take control of things and take that next step out of the chaos again - and so will you too.

New "date" interest sounds exciting....don't expect anything, don't try and plan too much, or read anything into anything and just go with the flow. Who knows what might come of it, but if nothing does, well at least you've had a bit of a distraction!!

xx