overwhelmed new member

Mr_Toad

Coco114 wrote: »

Bless you let me know if your personal ad works ... I might try that myself :rotfl:

The thing is this - my eldest always tells me that he feels like Dad comes as much to see me & question me as he does to see them , it's the control thing all over again I guess. I could spend all my day Saturday out running around , and one evening , whilst he is here but I dont see why I should ? My friends keep saying I need to tell him straight re money , and lord knows I have tried , but fact is I am left with the choice of crippling myself or I lose the house .... It's a toughie !!! i could really do with sitting it out & waiting for house prices to go up - I just don't feel I have the energy.

What I really need is for someone to tell me what to do for the best because I don't know anymore. He has a great job , nice house (all be it shared) and a nice girlfriend - I just don't see why he can't leave me alone to get on with my life & I donk think he ever will while he can still come & go as he pleases ....

Anyway - moan over - eldest has last exam on Friday - then it's out into the big wide world ... Well watching Wimbledon & the Olympics anyway lol. I am not nagging him this week I would rather he concentrate on revision .... I will save the nagging for next week ha ha ha

Coco x

Right, you are obviously feeling low at the moment. There are reasons for that, you're up to your neck in it at work, that's enough to get anyone down.

Your oldest is in the middle of his A levels, that's got to be stressful for all in the fallout area.

Then there's the small matter of the house, the bills and the ex who despite the nice house and nice girlfriend seems reluctant to do the right thing over both the money and his children.

It does you credit that you're not in a padded cell wearing a tin foil hat!

Listen to your friends, it's what we have them for. They are on the outside and are often better placed to offer advice don't ignore them.

If the ex won't listen about money you're going to have to make him. You really do need to take some of the weight off your shoulders and dump it in his lap.

Give his address to your creditors, whatever he might say he is liable and they will chase him.

Save what niceness and compassion you have for people that deserve it.

Have you spoken to anyone, the people at citizens advice for example or the National Debt helpline, about money and what's going on?

They will help prioritize the important stuff and give free advice.

Please start looking into a separation agreement, this will detail who pays what. At the moment you seem to be simply agreeing with what your ex wants and he is clearly taking advantage of your good nature and your fear of taking the steps you need to take.

Have a look at this:

http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Moneypropertyandpossessionswhenyourrelationshipends/Ifyoureendingamarriageorcivilpartnership/DG_193766

Don't be put off by the formality of it all, you need the stability and you need the support.

You can't keep this up indefinitely and it isn't just going to go away. It's going to make you ill and that isn't good for you or your boys.

You are being abused by your ex. He's not taking his share of the responsibility and he's still coming into your home and intimidating you and he's using his access to the children to do it.

I don't know what your ex has told you regarding money but believe me nobody is going to look at your situation and agree that he needs a new car while you face emotional and financial ruin.

Please, please get help and a legal separation agreement. I doubt anyone who has read this thread would think less of you if you stopped being so nice to an idiot who isn't worthy of it.

Oh yes, one more thing. Don't worry about the boys, from what you've said they are sensible and know what's going on and I don't think for a minute that they'll think badly of you for standing up and sorting this out.

maganan

thanks masonn, Coco like I said he knows his stuff! nuf said night!

k x

Coco114

Morning all

Thanks for your replies - I was tucked up in bed by 10.30 last night as was shattered. However , awake again by 3.30am ..... So , I went downstairs , went through all his opened post , wrote change of address letters .... And walked up to post box and posted them (yes at 5.00am !)

In the cold light of day - I am glad I posted them otherwise I would have changed my mind by this morning !

I will read posts properly tonight - bit of a stressful revision house today . Just to say thanks for the good advice.
Now it's off to the madhouse at work !! We are going to have fish & chips tonight out of my last £20 & hang the expense !!

Have a good day all

Coco x

squidgychesspiece

Hi Coco :hello:

I'm with Masonn - great advice re selfish ex! I have read your entire thread and what you have achieved and continue to achieve every day is incredible. What's more, you've done it all with a quiet dignity. I know it's not always easy to see when you're caught in the middle of it all but from the outside looking in you are doing an amazing job!! I hope you get the good news you so obviously deserve with the house

Squidgy x

P.s Your thread was the one that made me feel I could post here too and get help so thank you.

Mr_Toad

squidgychesspiece wrote: »

Hi Coco :hello:

I'm with Masonn - great advice re selfish ex! I have read your entire thread and what you have achieved and continue to achieve every day is incredible. What's more, you've done it all with a quiet dignity. I know it's not always easy to see when you're caught in the middle of it all but from the outside looking in you are doing an amazing job!! I hope you get the good news you so obviously deserve with the house

Squidgy x

P.s Your thread was the one that made me feel I could post here too and get help so thank you.

Squidgy, dignity, what a perfect word to describe how Coco is being about all this.

Welcome.

searching_me

morning coco i have nothing to add as everyone as said it perfectly ... just wanted to say i have been reading from the get go and you've really inspired me i sat the other night for 4 hours sorting through my money or lack of it ... i totally feel your position as i feel the same everything falls on to my shoulders to keep the house, kids, ex, the bf and the dog going ... youre lucky you have friends that want to help and be there for you ... you maybe peeved but as everyone has said youre doing an amazing job and your kids (despite having the odd grumpathon ) are a credit to you ... your strength is something i admire ... im glad you sent the letter you deserve some weight took off ..... i'll stop rambling and go back to quietly lurking hope work is peaceful and you get a tea break xx

Coco114

Hi All

Thank you all so much for your support & the wise words - it really helps when you can't see the woods for the trees !
I don't really feel like I am acting with dignity ... But am doing my best !

You guys have given me lots to think about - there is only one person here is going to make a difference , and that's me !
I spoke to my Mum earlier and summed it up nicely , she said I have spent all this time trying to do the right thing & keep everyone else happy. And somewhere along the way I have lost myself & my own happiness. Kind of deep but I understand what she was saying

Left dishes , housework etc behind & went out for a couple of drinks with a friend - just what the Doctor ordered after my day at work !

I changed my penny pot up this morning and had £17.30 !!! Paid for fish & chips - leaving my precious £20 still intact :T

So , lots to do & lots to think about - but there is only one way forward from here & that's upwards I hope !

Many thanks again for your kind words all of you.

Coco x

searching_me

your mums a wise woman x

Coco114

Well I think I just had a bit of a LBM !!!

Awake very early again today....(there is something I have to do on Tuesday which I am dreading & think is the reason I cannot sleep ) anyway - I was reading the forums and came across a thread that, I think, was called "don't know what to do" or something like that.

This poor girl has been dumped in it by ex , 2 kids (tiny) and he clearly doesnt give a **** about doing his bit. I got really quite cross thinking "well that's not right , he should be paying more - they are his debts too" I was thinking to myself that she needs to stand up for herself & I wouldn't take that **** if I were her .......
It took a while to register believe me

Enough said I guess !

I will be in town on Tuesday for horrible job to do. After it's done , I will be treating myself to a posh coffee..... Then I will be toddling off to the CAB.........

Sometimes , I just takes one small thing

Right , must get myself ready for another day in the madhouse I think this weekend I will make a list (yes DM a list ) to take with me on Tuesday because I don't want to forget any important points or things I need to ask.

Much love

Coco x

Ps - it's Friday so can get my bottle of weekend wine ..... (Omg I am a weekend alcoholic !!!!!! )

slowlyfading

Lists are always good