Planning without mother

Brightside

Is you aunt you mum or dads sister? Can she maybe have word with your sister and say that she is in your thoughts and how you miss them all at this time. Although understandably she may not want to get involved in a family dispute if she has remained away from it so far.

Whatever this traumatic event was, I think counselling, or even talking it through with someone you can totally trust and is impartial would be of great help. Just to explain your feelings can sometimes be a great medicine.

I hope you start to feel happier about this soon, whatever happens

dragoneye454

My aunt is my mothers sister.
Its very hard to explain without saying exactly what happened, but lets just say it was something very serious that happened when I was a bit younger (my sister and brother were involved) and I recently went to the police after realising the danger they were in because they were still living there. It went to court and when there my mother denied everything (lied in court) and pressured my sister into withdrawing her statement and also lie in court (resulting in her having stockholm syndrome, ergo why it would be extremely difficult to get through to her).

So apart from the fact that not protecting her kids is unforgivable coupled with what she did, I think the fact that I went against her pressurising and did the right thing would mean that she definately would not want to speak to me either.

But it is a catch 22 situation because she is my one and only mother and it doesn't stop me missing them like mad especially now.

tryingtomoveon

im a long time poster but as this is a sensitive situation i wanted to reply but not as im usually known
my situation is similar to your only it was my dad who betrayed me not mum
i would give anything to have your situation, my dads dead so im left with my stepmother who i have to get along with for the sakeof my sisters who dont know about anything
but if i didnt have contact it would be a case of out of sight out of mind
as is my case they are my bridesmaids
i can not escape it you have so you can go on and live your life now not the past, just move on

Cleverclogs

Hi dragoneye, I'm in a similar and not-so-similar situation to you. I have been planning my wedding without my mother, but while your estrangement is quite recent, my mother hasn't ever really been part of my adult life. I had a very traumatic childhood which was due to the decisions my mother made. She has never apologised, or accepted responsibility for the harm she did to me and while I tried in my younger years to forgive her and move on, she has continually disappointed and upset me, so I have had to accept that she is just not a very nice person. We barely speak, but she still maintains contact with my two younger sisters, and my grandma (her mum). I also have two younger half-sisters. As I don't want to upset them, she is being invited to my wedding in May (a decision I may later regret, but we'll see), but she hasn't played any part in the planning. And it has been hard.

Because she is who she is, I haven't really missed her, but I have missed having a mother figure. Wedding dress shopping was difficult; battling my in-laws2B over some of the decisions was tough, as I felt unsupported; and I've missed having someone to bounce ideas off and sound off to when I get stressed.

I have found the best way to cope is to talk about it. I have some very close friends, and my fiance is always there if I need to talk. I took two of my best friends dress shopping with me and while I missed not having a mum, they were wonderful and we still had a lovely time. I did also try to reach out to my fiance's mum for support. I've also taken on a lot of homemade wedding projects to keep me busy. You just need to remind yourself that your wedding is about you & your H2B building your new family together.

I'm so sorry you are in this position and it is really tough, but it helps to surround yourself with people who love you and care about you, and talk to them when things get too much.

wanchai_2

dragoneye454 wrote: »

My aunt is my mothers sister.
Its very hard to explain without saying exactly what happened, but lets just say it was something very serious that happened when I was a bit younger (my sister and brother were involved) and I recently went to the police after realising the danger they were in because they were still living there. It went to court and when there my mother denied everything (lied in court) and pressured my sister into withdrawing her statement and also lie in court (resulting in her having stockholm syndrome, ergo why it would be extremely difficult to get through to her).

So apart from the fact that not protecting her kids is unforgivable coupled with what she did, I think the fact that I went against her pressurising and did the right thing would mean that she definately would not want to speak to me either.

But it is a catch 22 situation because she is my one and only mother and it doesn't stop me missing them like mad especially now.

Oh, you poor thing. To have your mother turn against you in favour of your stepfather (and I am assuming from your post that he was to blame for what happened) is just terrible. I really feel for you. Have a massive hug xxx

Yargo1

hello.. sad situation and not much i can say in words of advice.. but..

i am too sorting it all out myself as my parents live overseas... they have been supportive , albeit over email or phone.. BUT what i find strange is oh s mum and two sisters.. they have not offered any support at all or in fact shown interest!

neither parents have offered any monies.. which is fine.. but the lack of interest on his family side is a tad upsetting - still like you , i have the man of my dreams .. and he keeps telling me , s*d them, its their loss if they dont want to be involved.. but i still feel a bit sad by it......

dragoneye454

tryingtomoveon wrote: »

im a long time poster but as this is a sensitive situation i wanted to reply but not as im usually known
my situation is similar to your only it was my dad who betrayed me not mum
i would give anything to have your situation, my dads dead so im left with my stepmother who i have to get along with for the sakeof my sisters who dont know about anything
but if i didnt have contact it would be a case of out of sight out of mind
as is my case they are my bridesmaids
i can not escape it you have so you can go on and live your life now not the past, just move on

I do not envy your situation and I understand where you are coming from. I had to live in the same house as them for 4 years after and then see them daily until this happened and also pretend nothing had happened for the sake of my brother as you do for your sisters. I know it is not easy. But I also want to say that if it was as easy as out of sight out of mind, I wouldn't have any trouble, but they are still in my dreams and the memories don't fade.

I hope that your situation comes right in the end. Hugs

dragoneye454

Hugs to Cleverclogs and to Yargo1 and thank you for replying and sharing, I hope you will be ok in your situations and that you get through.
Thanks to everyone for their support, it has really helped.
I am feeling better about it now. I have got in touch with my grandad as we also had a blip and it feels alot easier now I have crossed a hurdle and he is the one person who still has contact with them so I can still ask how they are and for some strange reason that makes it easier, like I am not totally cut off even though I will not talk to them.

tryingtomoveon

they were out of sight for awhile, i didnt think about them as much, yeah every now and then but not all the time, like now, every day pretty much
it will get easier as time goes on for you though, keep strong
thanks for the well wishes, i hope you can move on xx

McKneff

Send your siblings an invitation anyway, this is none of their faults.

See how it goes.