Planning without mother

dragoneye454

I got engaged two months ago (already) and the thing I just can't get to grips with is planning without my mother.
She hasn't passed away, a very traumatic event happened and a year ago, she turned against me in favour of my step-dad in a way that I will never forgive her. She took with her my only full sister (21) and my half-brother and I now haven't had any contact for a year.
It's breaking my heart how much I miss them and how much I want them here for this, but what happened is unforgivable.
I have my aunt and my cousin helping but it just isn't the same.

I am guessing I will not be the only one out there who is doing this without their mother, for many different reasons, but I wanted to ask how you cope. At the moment I feel like I am reaching breaking point and I just want to pull the plug on everything. So really need some advice

Thanks

double_mummy

heya dragon

i completely understand where your coming from I have now not spoken to my mum in over 6 years

it is hard the thing i am most dreading is the wedding dress shopping

i have found surrounding myself with friends your family and OHs family helps

maybe this could be a chance to get back in touch with your sister (if that is what you want)

i have found a journal also helps so in those crazy moments you can write it all down and get it out

good luck xxxx

eleanor73

So sorry to hear that you don't have your Mum to help you. I think you may want to remind yourself (maybe every day) that you marrying your partner is a massive step in building your new family.
Apart from that I don't have any other words but hope you find your way as it would be such a shame to pull the plug especially as your day should be all about you and your partner and not the family member that you miss so much.

Good luck xx

Brighton_belle

Couldn't read and run, as this sounds really painful.
Is there any possiblitiy of being able to contact your sister - if she is 21 does your mum has complete control over her?
Were you really close to your mum before and is this something you would have done togther (plan your wedding) if the traumatic event hadn't happened?

IN terms of coping, I think keeping the wedding really simple might help, so there is less to plan and worry about. It will be a very emotional day without your immediate family there, but it would sad to put off your marriage.

dragoneye454

Thanks for the replies.
I would love to get in touch with my sister but she is still well a truly under my mothers thumb so it isn't going to happen.
I know it's about us but it's just like there is something missing

dragoneye454

Brighton_belle wrote: »

Were you really close to your mum before and is this something you would have done togther (plan your wedding) if the traumatic event hadn't happened?

We were really close. Even though I moved out, we spoke every single day and I told her everything and her the same to me. She was the only person I could ever have thought of doing this with

Brighton_belle

dragoneye454 wrote: »

Thanks for the replies.
I would love to get in touch with my sister but she is still well a truly under my mothers thumb so it isn't going to happen.
I know it's about us but it's just like there is something missing

And that is the reality isn't it, something is missing and you can't pretend otherwise. What a truely difficult thing to come to terms with:(.

VfM4meplse

I have great sympathy with you OP. I'm sorry to hear that your mum is no longer in the picture....but your post reminded me of a thought-provoking email I received some time ago:

Truer words were never spoken.
A young wife sat on a sofa on a hot humid day, drinking iced tea and visiting with her mother. As they talked about life, about marriage, about the responsibilities of life and the obligations of adulthood, the mother clinked the ice cubes in her glass thoughtfully and turned a clear, sober glance upon her daughter. 'Don't forget your sisters,' she advised, swirling the tea leaves to the bottom of her glass. 'They'll be more important as you get older. No matter how much you love your husband, no matter how much you love the children you may have, you are still going to need sisters. Remember to go places with them now and then; do things with them.'

'Remember that 'sisters' means ALL the women: your girlfriends, your daughters, and all your other women relatives too. 'You'll need other women. Women always do.'

What a funny piece of advice!' the young woman thought. Haven't I just gotten married? Haven't I just joined the couple-world? I'm now a married woman, for goodness sake! A grownup! Surely my husband and the family we may start will be all I need to make my life worthwhile!'

But she listened to her mother. She kept contact with her sisters and made more women friends each year. As the years tumbled by, one after another, she gradually came to understand that her mother really knew what she was talking about. As time and nature work their changes and their mysteries upon a woman, sisters are the mainstays of her life. After more than 50 years of living in this world, here is what I've learned:

THIS SAYS IT ALL:
Time passes.
Life happens.
Distance separates.
Children grow up.
Jobs come and go.
Love waxes and wanes.
Men don't do what they're supposed to do.
Hearts break.
Parents die.
Colleagues forget favors.
Careers end.
BUT.........
Sisters are there, no matter how much time and how many miles are between you. A girl friend is never farther away than needing her can reach. When you have to walk that lonesome valley and you have to walk it by yourself, the women in your life will be on the valley's rim, cheering you on, praying for you, pulling for you, intervening on your behalf, and waiting with open arms at the valley's end. Sometimes, they will even break the rules and walk beside you....Or come in and carry you out. Girlfriends, daughters, granddaughters, daughters-in-law, sisters, sisters-in-law, Mothers, Grandmothers, aunties, nieces, cousins, and extended family: all bless our life! The world wouldn't be the same without women, and neither would I. When we began this adventure called womanhood, we had no idea of the incredible joys or sorrows that lay ahead. Nor did we know how much we would need each other. Every day, we need each other still. Pass this on to all the women who help make your life meaningful. I just did.

Brighton_belle

dragoneye454 wrote: »

We were really close. Even though I moved out, we spoke every single day and I told her everything and her the same to me. She was the only person I could ever have thought of doing this with

It is incredibly hard to understand a mother so turning her back on her daughter:( Trauma is the right word for what you have gone through by the sound of it. Sorry I have no words of wisdom, but I just want to say, this must hurt so much.

dragoneye454

It does, but thank you for your kind words.

double_mummy

have you also thought about some counselling? it might be a really good idea to talk to someone neutral about everything ***hugs***