Real life MMD: My hubby earns more. Should he pay more of joint bills?

Bokers

I haven't read all this thread but thought I'd just chip in.

There seems a lot of people going a bit overboard with the whole your married, it's shared money etc. People can sort their money how they wish!

I live with my girlfriend and we have a joint account to pay the bills. She earns a few £k more than me but we split everything 50/50 and then remaining is our own.

I wouldn't have it any other way. It does help that I have enough to cover my own too.

If you need more then ask him. Either way I hope you get it sorted

onesixfive

Traveller1981 wrote: »

Well said.
The individual purchases are one of the reasons that this works best for us too. I spend A LOT on gadgets and stuff, and would never expect for any of her money to have to pay towards it. She still gets to use it all, and often more than I do, but I am happy to pay for it, as it is specific things that I want, that I know she would happily do with out.
I could never have bought half the stuff I have, had we had a sole joint account. Spending £2k on a TV, £500 every time a new iPhone comes out, iPad, surround sound, laptops, £1500 on a mountain bike etc I would feel so bad about it coming out of joint money, but with my own money, I can go months and months without spending anything and then blow loads on big stuff. She gets to use it all, loves that we have it, and I am happy to buy it for us both to use.

WHY could these goods not have been bought from a joint account - If she loves them that much?
There appears to be an ongoing undertone of "Mine" not "Ours".
Is it just me but all this extravagent spending by one-half and then "condesending" to "allow" the other half to use their goods/watch their TVs etc - it doesnt sound like setting the foundations for a partnership - it sound more like what belongs to who in the event of a split...??

Charismaca

Well I may be alone but I think it's a great idea posting on forums like this as it helps you gain perspective and ideas. My view is that you should raise this with hubby as it bothers you enough to prompt you to start the thread but hopefully you can take some suggestions from this thread to discuss.

I personally have had a joint account with my hubby since 3 months after meeting him when I was 18. At that point I earned more than he did but since having children this has flipped. He has always spent significantly more than I have and occasionally we've had some heated discussions over it but we've been together 15yrs and it works for us. We did consider splitting the accounts but it seemed so complicated. Who would pay for the children's clothes, shoes, days out, school stuff etc? It makes far more sense for us to have everything in one account. We always discuss large payments but other than that, we are both free to spend within the limits of our account.
I suppose we view housekeeping and childcare as unpaid work so it's not as though one of us has leisure time whilst the other pays.

I have a friend who is full time mum and gets child benefits, tax credit etc and house keeping from her hubby. She will go overdrawn and pay charges whilst he has savings! This I find hard to understand but they are happy with the arrangement.

I think there are several things to consider here and it is more than just who earns what. Trust is a key factor but so is personality. I will openly admit that I like to be in control and the housekeeping idea just would not work. Equally my husband isn't great with money and having me managing the accounts helps him to stay within budget.

The most important thing is that you should ignore the criticisms and focus on the ideas and how they would work for you and yours. Nobody else knows your relationship like you do (or has the right to judge it!). Good luck!

Traveller1981

sng165 wrote: »

WHY could these goods not have been bought from a joint account - If she loves them that much?
There appears to be an ongoing undertone of "Mine" not "Ours".
Is it just me but all this extravagent spending by one-half and then "condesending" to "allow" the other half to use their goods/watch their TVs etc - it doesnt sound like setting the foundations for a partnership - it sound more like what belongs to who in the event of a split...??

They "could" have, but I would feel guilty spending that much on items, that my partner doesn't really want. Yes she uses them, but she would happily have a 28" CRT TV but I want a 50" Plasma. Why should I take our joint money to fund something that just I want? I don't care who uses it, but it is something that I want. Everything I buy is "ours" but that doesn't mean I should be using money that is half hers to pay for it.

Who is being condescending? I don't "allow" her to use the things I buy, I buy them for "us", but they are items that "I" want. I wouldn't be happy with a small crappy old TV. So I am happy to fund the purchase myself, with no guilt that I am spending her money on an extravagant item that she doesn't really want, even if she uses it as much as me. It's not like we can have 2 TVs in the lounge.

We have been together 5 years. We have a daughter, we are due to get married. Everything we own is equal even if I paid for the more expensive things, including almost solely funding the deposit for our house.
Maybe she wouldn't care if I bought the expensive TV out of joint money, but I wouldn't feel comfortable to do it.

Traveller1981

Marco12452 wrote: »

As many have already said, this isnt something you should need to ask !!
A marriage is joint so all monies are joint, if not there is something more serious wrong here ?
Use a joint account for both wages to go into, or get the additional cash you need from you husband.
Either way, talk to him first, not us.

Absolute tosh. Just because that it how it works for you, doesn't mean that is how it should be for everyone else.
The way money is dealt with has absolutely nothing to do with how much you love someone, unless you are demanding more money.
Most people on here seem to have a perfectly good agreement with their partners on their accounts, and it works for them, and doesn't make them love each other any less. My partner likes the way our accounts work just as much as me. Why should we change things that work, and are the way we like it just because we get married?

Cuidadosa

sng165 wrote: »

WHY could these goods not have been bought from a joint account - If she loves them that much?
There appears to be an ongoing undertone of "Mine" not "Ours".
Is it just me but all this extravagent spending by one-half and then "condesending" to "allow" the other half to use their goods/watch their TVs etc - it doesnt sound like setting the foundations for a partnership - it sound more like what belongs to who in the event of a split...??

You are missing the point. Traveller would feel uncomfortable about his extravagant expending if it came from their pooled money.
Others would feel very happy about it "hey, there is enough money on the account, I'm going for a weekend of golf!", but Traveller exercises his empathy and puts himself on his partner's shoes and realises that it may not seem like such a good idea.

The fact that his spending is on things that then they both can actually enjoy together (e.g. a TV) is sort of irrelevant, although if anything it makes it even nicer.

Traveller1981

Charismaca wrote: »

The most important thing is that you should ignore the criticisms and focus on the ideas and how they would work for you and yours. Nobody else knows your relationship like you do (or has the right to judge it!). Good luck!

Absolutely. Everyone has an opinion, but at the end of the day, you do things the way you do, because that is the way you want to. No one should judge you, or question your relationship/marriage because you do something different to their beliefs.

As I said before, if everyone was the same, the world would be a boring place!

Traveller1981

Cuidadosa wrote: »

You are missing the point. Traveller would feel uncomfortable about his extravagant expending if it came from their pooled money.
Others would feel very happy about it "hey, there is enough money on the account, I'm going for a weekend of golf!", but Traveller exercises his empathy and puts himself on his partner's shoes and realises that it may not seem like such a good idea.

The fact that his spending is on things that then they both can actually enjoy together (e.g. a TV) is sort of irrelevant, although if anything it makes it even nicer.

I'm glad someone understands what I am saying!

Mojisola

Chipstick2004 wrote: »

Firstly, there are a few saing that being married means money should be joint.

Whilst I did agree with this statement I now have my finances seperate from my husbands. The reason for this is that all our money used to go into the joint account, the bills were paid and then we spent from there.

In the end I found this completely unfair. My husband spent alot more than me on his own treats (alcohol, cigarettes etc) which meant I could never afford anything for me. So I'd be working, paying the bills and not even able to afford a new top or a day with the kids or anything but he didn't miss out on lifes luxuries.

Having all accounts in joint names can work well if both partners have the same attitude to spending. If one is more extravagant than the other, then two individual accounts for personal spends is a good compromise.

I can't understand married couples or those who live together for many years being content with one spouse managing on a low income while the other is spending a lot on themselves or stashing away savings in their own name. The only couple I know who lived like this - one year she went on holiday on her own because he couldn't afford to pay his share - have split up.

onesixfive

Traveller1981 wrote: »

an extravagant item that she doesn't really want, even if she uses it as much as me. It's not like we can have 2 TVs in the lounge.

So she's now stuck with a TV she doesnt really want ? - some joint decision - or a waste of monies that she may have been able to suggest better use of - oh no! these are your monies !
I give up!