Can't cope...can't believe he would do this after all this time!

Money_maker

Heart goes out to you for suffering sexual abuse at home then physical as an adult.

So hope you get the help you need.

Cantcopeanymore

I have moved a good way away from them. When I was 16 I left home and packed some bags and moved to London and tried to make a new life for myself. Unfortunately, I soon found myself 18 and pregnant I still live at least a few hours drive away and have only visited once a year since leaving so I feel safe - just totally disgusted!! What the hell did he think I was going to say? Just proves to me how warped he was - he would alwasy tell me that he was going to marry me and movve away with me when I was 18 and I can actually remember him saying these things from when I was as young as 6.

I couldn't remember much until last night but now all day, I have just been going over it all over and over again in my head. I need to cope and be well for my children

meritaten

your physical symptoms were a panic attack hun - you were not dying! but your body and mind felt an extreme threat and reacted as such! you couldnt run away or fight back so your body internalised it. hence the feeling that you were dying.
next time - Run! scream shout but let it OUT!
WHY cant you report it until your mum dies? I dont understand this? you protecting your mum? you shouldnt do that at your own expense.

Hanging_by_a_thread

I agree that you were having a panic attack. Listen to your body. What you felt last night is the enormity of what you have been bottling up for so long and coping with. I dont understand why you feel you can only deal with this after your mum has passed. Was your mum aware of the abuse, are you trying to protect her from any comeback if you were to contact the police?

Your only loyalty is to your children and yourself. Do what is right for you three and no-one else.

londonsurrey

The man is a predator, and always on the lookout. He knew that there was a possibility that this was a time when you were feeling vulnerable, and chanced it. Predators don't feel guilt, just see possible opportunities.

Well done you for saying no. You know what's right. Just keep saying it.
Have you got a camcorder or voice recording device? The next time there is any contact, record it.

You have to make a choice about how information flows; whether you want to ask about your mother, whether you want to choose to disclose any information about yourself (you can just say, "I don't want to talk about myself", and just keep repeating it), etc.

If for any reason he turns up, just press "Record", and whatever he says, just repeat "Go away. Leave me alone". Do not engage in any conversation, like how you feel, how he feels, what he's doing, etc. This way, you will not be seen as encouraging contact or visits.

I've recently done it with my own stalker (mine is a qualified solicitor *sigh*, and left me in a house with a rapist when I was young). Good luck. Being single minded will be your strength.

Shovel_Lad

Hanging_by_a_thread wrote: »

I dont understand why you feel you can only deal with this after your mum has passed. Was your mum aware of the abuse, are you trying to protect her from any comeback if you were to contact the police?

I don't want to speak for the OP but the decision she made not to tell until her Mum died, was exactly that. Her decision. She doesn't need to explain it to anyone, nor will pushing that point help now. Using a milestone like her Mum's death is probably a way of compartmentalising what happened to her and enabled her to get on with her life as best she could. This is a very common scenario in abuse cases and is often the only way to cope.

In my opinion, speculating further will not be helpful, she really needs to be able to deal with what is happening right now. There is plenty of time for her to act on the past when or if she feels able to in the future.

Seanymph

Do you have any close friends? Fellow mums you can lean on a bit?

You are in such a big time of change, transitions are always very difficult and getting out of abusive relationships take a lot out of us too.

Anything you can do to put credit into wellness will benefit you. I remember at one point playing solitaire on the computer for hours on end - it 'closed down' my mind and meant I couldn't think of anything else, it just gave me breathing space.

Swimming helped, without the children, I used to go whilst they were at school.

You can't do it all the time, but I found if I gave myself even 15 minutes 'for me' a day, it helped me to stay stronger.

Is there something you love to do? Could you muster the energy to bring it into your life? I found I had to start with baby steps, and build up, and taking pleasure in small things kept me looking at the sunshine through a dark time.

Of course it passes, all things pass - change is hard, but this time will pass. Stay safe.

Bangton

You poor sweet thing. To want to wait until your mum passed away before reporting him has broken my heart. That is such a testiment of what a good person you must be.

I echo what others have said and more wanted to post so you knew someone was thinking of you.

When I was 16 I began a relationship with a man who beat me, stole my money and locked me in his bedroom. I hate him with every bit of me and have had massive panic attacks on the rare occasions I have seen him. I have moved on but I still get anxious when I think of him and the cruel things he did. I know it isn't the same situation but I kind of understand the utter repulsion we probably both hold for these people.

I think it's brave that you screamed at him and rather than it being a sign you can't cope I actually think it is a sign of how angry you are...which is a good thing. I really hope he does get what he deserves and that you can move on. Please don't be alone...post on here when you feel vulnerable and let these kind forum members be there for you xx