Can't cope...can't believe he would do this after all this time!

Cantcopeanymore

Long time regular poster but changed ID for some anonymous help.

I am early 20s and basically I moved out of the family home as soon as I turned 16 as I was being sexually abused & groomed by my mothers carer. This happened most days from the age of 5 until I left.

My minds way of coping with it seems to have been to shut it up completely. I barely told many people except some people that I really trusted and have got on with my life. I have two gorgeous kids now and a fantastic job.

A few weeks ago, I split up with my partner. He left us and my Mum's carer was on the phone last night speaking to me about my Mum's recent health scare. He asked how I was feeling and I said that I was fine. He said that he knows that I must be lonely and basically did I want him to come over.

I screamed at him down the phone to never speak to me again, and to tell my Mum that I don't want to speak to her either and I literally broke down in pieces.

I couldn't stand up for at least 5 minutes, I was sobbing like i have never sobbed before and today have been having heart palpitations and feeling edgy and snappy!!

I can't believe after all this time, he would say something like that to me!!! I don't what to do any more and with the recent split from my partner - I don't have any support from anyone! I can't cope!

angelil

Why don't you call the police and shop him for the abuse he put you through? You do have the right to do that x

toocleverbyhalf

I really feel for you, you are in an awful position. First and foremost I would phone either the Samaritans or a sexual abuse advice line. You would be anonymous & these people are trained to help you deal with this.
I sounds like all your buried feelings have come flooding back & this horrible man is taking advantage of your vulnerability after the split with your partner.
I've never been in your position, so I won't insult you by telling you what to do, but you are clearly struggling. Maybe it's time to deal with this, if only for your children's sake. Keeping secrets like this never works in the long run, it will just carry on festering until its dealt with. This man needs to be exposed, when you're ready, to stop anyone else falling victim.
I'm sorry I'm not more help, but I send you my heartfelt good wishes and hope you find the strength to deal with this xx

Shovel_Lad

Once an abuser, always an abuser. My guess would be that he sees you as vulnerable again and is looking for another opportunity to abuse you.

I know this may sound odd, but well done for screaming at him down the phone. People like him prey on the weak and vulnerable and if nothing else you have shown him that you are strong now and are no longer afraid of him. Obviously, you are feeling the effects of the contact and may not feel that way, (and who can blame you?), but you have still left him with a powerful image of what you are like as an adult and that you are no longer the little girl he abused.

If he tries to contact you again, scream at him again. Do not give him an opportunity to try and manipulate you. Abusers are inherently cowards and if you stand up to him he should soon leave you alone.

Never forget that you are not responsible for him abusing anyone, whether that be you or others, your prime concern must be to keep yourself safe: mentally as well as physically. Only when or if you become certain that you are safe should you consider any other actions.

sukysue

It has crossed my mind that he may have been abusing your mum all this time. Under the POVA scheme you can get carers checked out and report them . Hope you feel better soon. Good Luck m'dear.

Hanging_by_a_thread

Oh my goodness this is terrible. I cannot even begin to imagine what you have been through and have been coping with all this time.

I wish I knew how to help you but I honestly dont know what to say, couldn't read and run though. I would suggest you contact your gp in the morning and ask to see him/her urgently. They will know what to do.

When you refer to this monster of a man as your mums carer, in what capacity is this. Is this her husband, partner? Considering your mum is ill then she is vulnerable and in the care of this individual.

There may be big repercussions from you seeking the help you so desperately need and deserve but you must not let that stop you doing what is right for you. Huge hugs to you.

corbyboy

I understand that you have to sort yourself out before deciding how to proceed long-term, but is your mum safe?

meritaten

Ive deleted a few posts - cos I dont know what to say which could help you hun!
well done for letting this monster know you know what he is.
as for doing anything further - that is entirely up to you.
I can understand if you dont want anything more to do with him
I can also understand if you would like to see him punished - but that isnt an easy route to take. you will need help.
I can also understand if his phone call has unlocked memories you buried - you need now to deal with those. The Samaritans are always there hun and can put you in touch with people who can help.
Whatever you decide to do - if its right for you thats all that matters.
best wishes
merit

marvic31

I would be going to the police and tell them everything. What worries me that he has got away with this for so long, how many other people has he preyed on.

Maybe your mother has been a victim. Is he a carer to other people too?
Is their other vunerable children he has access to?

People like this need to be exposed and routed from society before anyone else goes through what you have.

Be strong.

Cantcopeanymore

He started off as my Mums partner but as her condition deteriorated, he became her carer.

I phoned Breathing Space last night and spoke with someone while I was waiting for the feelings in my body to pass. I have never felt anything like it - I seriously felt like I was dying or having a heart attack.

I promised myself that I wouldn't tell until my Mum died (which tbh I thought would have happened by now). She is actually quite well taken care of by him and they are really quite isolated. I believe that he has no access to any other children. Over the years, I have tried to tell myself that when my Mum died that I would be strong and make him pay for what he done to me.

I have suffered from physical domestic violence for the last 5 years and the man from Breathing Space said that I must get help now as it's common for people who have been victims of sexual abuse to be more forgiving of other types of abuse and that they can find themselves in a continuous circle of abuse for their whole life.

I need to do something - I don't believe at this stage, it's best to go to the police. I have ordered that book now from Amazon. I'm just feeling really scared just now

daska

Do you have a panic alarm? If there is a next time use it, doesn't even have to be right next to the receiver, he won't forget in a hurry.

And yes, for the sake of anyone else that has been or will be abused by him, if you have the strength, go to the police.

Wishing you all the best. (((HUGS)))