Please, please tell me what to say to my son!!

tinkerbel

As a young person, is there something he can do to secure a job for when he comes back from travelling? Grad schemes etc (and maybe similar) I know recruit about 6 months+ in advance..

I think it is a good time to go and to experience the world a bit more but perhaps he will have to reign in his budget I really dont think a loan is a good idea for this but I assume he will get approved for one as he is getting it before he quits his job etc..

I would have him ebaying everything spare and trimming his holiday budget as much as possible! It depends where he's going but I'm sure there must be room for budgetting. Also it could be a really good idea for him to join his friends a month in - he could work for a month longer and then by the time he got there he wouldn't really miss anything but they would be able to show him the good places they've found etc!!

sueh6

Willow_K wrote: »

The first is the taking out of the loan which needs to be addressed. how will he make the first few payments if he is travelling anyway?

How much is he intending to borrow? Is there anyway he can get a second job in the evenings and weekends for the next few months to save the money instead? Even if he can't do it by May, naybe he could join his friends a couple of months later.Will the be working their way around the world - a lot of people do.

The payments would be made from his bank account which will obviously have plenty in it. He's intending to borrow around £2k to top up his own savings but will not get a second job - we've already discussed it. Nor will he delay for a couple of months and join his friends later.

Whilst I really appreciate your comments about my Dad - and you're absolutely right he does need to butt out - we are trying to be supportive. We've helped him with any advice he's looked for and also put aside a little money to help him with his spends. If you read my posts you'll see that I echo exactly what you're saying - I want him to do this whilst he has no other responsibilities. However I've been through the bad times when his debts have not been under control and the letters arriving on the mat and the phone ringing for him from people chasing money. I don't want that for him again or for me and the rest of my family.

MusicalLawyer

Do you know if he has defaults on his credit file and such?
You've said he's always been in debt and bad with money.

If so, it's probably unlikely that he would get a loan anyway.

sueh6

KellyKing1987 wrote: »

Do you know if he has defaults on his credit file and such?
You've said he's always been in debt and bad with money.

If so, it's probably unlikely that he would get a loan anyway.

More than likely - he had a credit card which he regularly missed payments on and that's the problem. He buried his head in the sand in the hope it would go away but of course it didn't.

For those who think I'm being judgemental and unsupportive both DH and I offered to help him get out of his mess so that he could go travelling safe in the knowledge that he wasn't leaving a mess behind him. We always hoped that rather than give up his job he would try and negotiate a period of unpaid leave and that he could return if he wanted to as this is what one of his friends has done. He has said he doesn't want to do this and wants to change direction. That's fine but my worry is about his inability to repay a potential loan.

sueh6

immoral_angeluk wrote: »

Is part of the problem that he knows he will be fully supported when he returns, and that you'll be likely to bail him out again?

If he knew he was returning to no home, no bail outs and noone to pay his way for him, would be still be doing it?


PS, that's mean in a sincere way, not judgemental. I'm just wondering whether his attitude is the problem and he's expecting to be fully provided for and therefore he doesn't NEED to worry about those things..?

Lol - you're absolutely right and the one thing Dad and I agreed on tonight! He knows me and DH would never see him out on the street (obviously!) and will be able to come back to his old room and be fed and watered. What I won't provide for though is loan repayments....

annie-c

I think it is natural that you care about his financial future, but at 23 he has been an adult for several years and really has to make his own decisions and learn from his own mistakes.

Honestly, I think you need to take a step back and instead consider what you will do in regards to his future bed and board and financial needs, given that you are the only person you can change.

Then spell it out for him: on what terms will he be allowed to come home, if he is allowed home after the travelling - will he get a rent book? If he is unemployed, what ££ or % of his benefits will you want in return for bed and board. If he has unmanageable debt, what will you offer - a lift to the Citizens Advice Bureau maybe, so he can get trained debt counsellors to help him work out a budget and repayment plan? How will you separate yourself from him legally and financially so the bailiffs have no right to come to your door?

Yes, of course it is lovely to travel when you are young, but it is not always practical and we have to make choices and sacrifices. If he thinks that travel is worth the sacrifice, then that is his decision to make and you will need to cut the cord and let him go. Who knows, he may be doing the right thing -for him. You have to do the right thing for you and set the ground rules for your future financial relationship with your adult son. At some point he simply has to learn to make his bed and lie on it. This seems like a good time for him to start.

ikati5

He may travel somewhere that he can work, my daughter came back from a year in Australia last Feb with a lot more money than she went with or that she could have earned here, wages in Australia even for unskilled work are very good.

sueh6

annie-c wrote: »

Honestly, I think you need to take a step back and instead consider what you will do in regards to his future bed and board and financial needs, given that you are the only person you can change.

Thank you - wise words indeed. I know because I am guilty of bailing him out in the past but as you say, I need to help him by helping myself. We need to have 'the conversation' about how he will pay his way when he gets home and the sooner the better. I know he sees this as putting a dampener on his adventure but he needs to think about it aswell as the excitement of his trip.

7roland8

Possibly he won't get a loan - but may ask you to take one out for him.

However I would think being away from home he would do a lot of growing up - and it is up to him - if he's in debt when he gets back let him sort it out - we can only learn from experience - not from being told.

annie-c

Yes, travelling is good experience for young people; it is also excellent experience for mid-life people whose children have flown the nest.

At the moment, this young man is financially irresponsible and he does not respect you enough to let you spend your own hard earned cash on your own pleasure, or even to keep his creditors away from your home. I honestly think he needs a (metaphorical) kick up the !!!!, not a round the world travel ticket, but he needs to get that kick from bitter experience now; your child-rearing days are over and he is a grown man.

I speak as someone who was reasonably financially stupid in my own 20s, but who managed to wait and enjoy travel when I could afford it, in my 30s. I know what it was like to want to spread my wings, but I wouldn't have dreamed of asking my parents to foot any of the bill, and I really do think this lad has a bad case of entitlement-itis that needs a quick sharp cure.

Be strong, set out your stall and take care of yourself.