Please, please tell me what to say to my son!!

sueh6

Long story short and please bear with me -

DH and I are now well in to our debt free journey and hoping to be debt free by the end of 2013 :j

However, for years our 23 year old son has struggled with money and always had debt of one sort or another. Me and DH helped him a few months ago by lending him the money to clear his debts and, true to his word, tomorrow will be the final payment back to us and he will be debt free!!

Now the bombshell - all of his friends are going travelling for 7 months in May and he is going with them and giving up his job to do so - as you can imagine this has been a very sore point for a while now. He promised me some time ago that if he didn't have enough money to go travelling that he would not go and I believed him. Today he has informed me that he will not have enough money to travel however he will be getting a loan for the shortfall.

I am sick to my stomach - how is he going to repay the loan when he returns with no job? He knows he will always have a home here but as you can imagine I'm already feeling resentful that when he comes home we will be supporting him until he finds work - if he finds work! Now I'm worried sick that he is intending taking out a loan which he will be unable to repay and am now wishing we had never helped him in the first place as he has obviously learnt nothing.

He has a trade - he is a skilled air conditioning engineer - but hates it and I think he sees this as a way out. I had his grandfather on the phone tonight giving me such a hard time because of what he intends to do (he doesn't know about the loan) when so many other people are struggling in this country and he is basically walking out of a job.

Does anyone have any idea of what I can do, if there's anything I can do. I'm beside myself with worry....

Sorry if this is in the wrong place.....

MusicalLawyer

I assume your son lives at home? Can't imagine him to have many outgoings and must be on a good wage if he is an air-conditioning engineer.

How about he saves ALL of his wages from now until he goes? Doesn't go out drinking, or buying clothes or spending any unnecessary money, if he is really sure he wants to go travelling. That is at least 3 months worth of money. I know that, that isn't going to cover his travelling, but at least it is there to soften the amount he wants to take out on a loan?

justjohn

he is 23.....All you can do is give advice.

He may not choose too listen.....thats what it is like when you are young.

sueh6

KellyKing1987 wrote: »

I assume your son lives at home? Can't imagine him to have many outgoings and must be on a good wage if he is an air-conditioning engineer.

How about he saves ALL of his wages from now until he goes? Doesn't go out drinking, or buying clothes or spending any unnecessary money, if he is really sure he wants to go travelling. That is at least 3 months worth of money. I know that, that isn't going to cover his travelling, but at least it is there to soften the amount he wants to take out on a loan?

We've worked out he will be able to save around £3500 by the time he goes but I think he is looking for around £2 - £2.5k extra. Not a massive amount of debt but it is when you're not earning.

sueh6

justjohn wrote: »

he is 23.....All you can do is give advice.

He may not choose too listen.....thats what it is like when you are young.

And that's exactly what I'm trying to do - I'm avoiding doing anything which is confrontational but he takes every conversation as a criticsm. I've tried to be supportive with his travelling as I know only too well that once you have responsibilities your wings are clipped.

I'm just struggling with the idea of a loan....

~Beanie~

Hopefully nobody will lend him the money if he has no job. How is he planning on making the repayments whilst he is away for 7 months? I'm not aware of any loan that will allow you to not make a repayment for that length of time.

immoral_angeluk

Is part of the problem that he knows he will be fully supported when he returns, and that you'll be likely to bail him out again?

If he knew he was returning to no home, no bail outs and noone to pay his way for him, would be still be doing it?


PS, that's mean in a sincere way, not judgemental. I'm just wondering whether his attitude is the problem and he's expecting to be fully provided for and therefore he doesn't NEED to worry about those things..?

Willow_K

I think there are two issues here which need to be separated out.

The first is the taking out of the loan which needs to be addressed. how will he make the first few payments if he is travelling anyway?

How much is he intending to borrow? Is there anyway he can get a second job in the evenings and weekends for the next few months to save the money instead? Even if he can't do it by May, naybe he could join his friends a couple of months later.Will the be working their way around the world - a lot of people do.

The second issue is this idea that he is doing something wrong by quitting his job to go travelling - he isn't and his grandfather needs to mind his own beeswax and you too need to sound less judgemental about it. He is 23 - it is the perfect age to go travelling before he settles down with commitments like a wife and mortgage. Travelling can be a fab experience which can have a positive influence on the rest of your life - it is one of my regrets that I didn't get to do it. You should be encouraging him to make the most of his youth - especially if he is unhappy in what he is doing. He is young and has plenty of time to work out what he wants to do when he gets back and retrain.

I'm sure you don't want him to be stuck in a job he hates for the next 45 years while regretting not taking the opportunity to see the world while he had the chance just because we are in a recession.

Talk to him about finding a way to pay for it without sounding like you think it is a bad idea that he is going at all - that way he might listen. And tell his grandfather to butt out.

sueh6

~Beanie~ wrote: »

Hopefully nobody will lend him the money if he has no job. How is he planning on making the repayments whilst he is away for 7 months? I'm not aware of any loan that will allow you to not make a repayment for that length of time.

He will be making repayments initially with the money he has in the bank but obviously once he returns there will be no money nor job. As much as I love him I'm not prepared to lend him money when he returns..... we can't afford it when we're trying to sort our own problems.

I agree with you though - hopefully he will not find anywhere that will lend him the money

MusicalLawyer

Travelling does sound like an amazing experience though, and i do admit I wish i could do it.

Can he not go in July instead as stated above? He can still meet his friends and he will still get a good 5 months of travelling as well! If he can save £3500 in 3/4 months, surely he can get to the £5.5k he needs by July?

That way he won't need a loan.

You could tell him that if he gets a loan to go, don't expect to have a home to come back to on his return. Even if you don't mean it. it might be that little thing to make him stay and save for that extra 2 months so he doesn't need a loan. Only a suggest

naturegirl_2

I have a 26 year old son who lived with me until he was 24. It wasn't until he left home (to go to college) that he started growing up and taking responsibilitiy for himself including money. Whilst at home it didn't matter how much I talked, moaned, shouted, cried, he never changed. He's still not great with money but I made sure that I kept telling him I couldn't afford to lend him money or support him and he has had to learn the hard way. It is difficult to get your point across as basically he wants his cake and to eat it (which he has been doing) perhaps show him this site and what you have written and what other people have said too.
Good luck it's not easy:)